Finally, my return to writing!

[JohnB73]

Hello Literotica! I know it's been quite a while since I've submitted anything. I place the blame firmly on a mix of writer's block, and the addictiveness of MUSHing, which I've taken to in oder to get the creative juices moving again.

Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone who sent me email comments on my stories. It's a real ego-boost, and it lets me know I'm doing something right. Recently, I've put up another offering for public approval and delectation, my first incest story. It's called Lila's Diary, and I'm trying to make it one of the more realistic stories, instead of a wham-pow, set-em-up, knock-em-down sexfest.

However, I've noticed that the other stories I've posted haven't gotten many comments tagged onto them. I have changed my settings to allow this, and I really do appreciate constructive criticism. It's the only way we writers grow in our skills, after all. So, I'd like you all to feel free to use this thread to tell me just what you think of my stuff. For quick reference, I include a link to the submissions page of my bio. Please, enjoy what you like, and critique what you don't...but please, be gentle. I'm not masochistic enough to enjoy an ego-stomping, you know?
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=237597&page=submissions

 

[JohnB73]

Okay, can I get a bump? I realize this message board may not run as fast as some others, but come on. I'm putting myself out here, you know?

 

[damppanties]

Hi John,

I read Never A Word and I have mixed reactions. I liked the premise, but it's a little unclear. Is she dumb? I mean, can she speak or not? Till the end of the story, I was wondering whether to sympathize with her or not.

Your start didn't grab me. I felt that until you introduced the actions of the mine girl, the writing was overdone and rather hurried.

Lance strolled idly down the street, lost in his own thought as the merrymakers at the carnival flowed around him like different currents in a sea of humanity.
-the phrase is 'lost in his own thoughts'
'different currents in a sea of humanity'? IMO, sea of humanity would have been more than enough. Sometimes when you want to modify familiar phrases, it doesn't work quite as well and in this instance I don't think it did.

Bright balloons strained at their tethers, children laughed, and parents scrambled to keep up with their hyperkinetic offspring.
Again, overdone. Balloons strained? Balloons are light things, they don't exactly strain. Hyperkinetic offspring? I realise what you're trying to say here but I would have liked a few more words invested in telling me how the parents were tired and running after their 'energetic' kids after a full day spent at the carnival, rather than be jarred by a phrase like 'hyperkinetic offspring'.

In the first paragraph, I think you're rushing too much to set the scene and tell us about his girlfriend leaving him. You brushed over it all too quickly.

Up ahead, he saw something that caught his eye, and made him curious.
Why did it make him curious?

In spite of his own situation, Lance felt himself getting warm because of this sexy, mysterious, silent girl.
Again, I think this is too soon. The girl's description in this paragraph did nothing for me as a reader. If anything, I was confused between his ex and the mime girl. Who had black hair? Who had large breasts? Was it necessary to compare? You gave me two images there. And as I said, at the end of the paragraph, I seriously don't see what he has to get warm about.

The next two paragraphs about the mime were fabulous. This is where I really started getting into the story. Great description, lovely flow in the writing and I could visualise everything that was happening and smiled along with it. Superbly done!

"Well, do you have a boyfriend?"
You're rushing the story here again. The third sentence he says to her is this? Then he drops his hand on her thigh immediately after she says no. And what's more, she reciprocates! Things happening a bit too fast and conveniently for me here. It's totally unbelievable.

Lance couldn't get to his feet fast enough to follow her across a bed of hot coals, if she'd wanted him to. Instead, her destination was somewhere closer nearby...the ladies' restroom.
Too much dramatization, don't you think? This story is put in romance, so I think the characters mean more than a quick fuck to each other, but I simply do not see any emotion here. I don't even see the lust.

she pulled off of him
Maybe this should be 'pulled herself off him'?

She straddled his lap, aiming his now-slick love muscle at her damp pussy.
No. Just no. Love muscle belongs strictly in the humor and satire category. There are other words you could have used for cock and there's a lovely article on Lit about that. Erotic Synonyms by Whispersecret. Even though some of the words listed are a little over the top, there are still quite a few that can be used.

He waved back, feeling such an incredible rush of different feelings for this mystery of a woman he'd just shared such passion with, and realized that she had said so much.
Two paragraphs later, they're done. It's over and done with so quickly that I somehow cannot believe he had any feelings for her. I like the words you use in the end of the sentence, 'realized that she had said so much' and the next (last sentence) of the story, but the sentiment is totally unbelievable.

Overall, I had a feeling I was hurried through the story and I didn't get the part about why she wasn't talking. Loved the idea and the mime paragraphs. The 'romance' part of it was not believeable. You should spend more time on that if you want to sell us the idea. Hope this wasn't too much of an ego-stomping.

 

[JohnB73]

Wow. And here, I thought leaving a few questions unanswered would add to the air of mystery. I didn't realize it took away from the story. I have to give you points for being thorough, though. I think you gave that story a very detailed vivisection.

Anyway, if you'd like something that isn't as hurried in pacing, maybe take a look at chapter 1 of my newest, Lila's Diary? I'm trying to make it a bit longer of a process of seduction, rather than 'Hi!' 'Hi!' *humpa humpa*. And anyone else can feel free to throw down anything, good or bad, about my other works here too. (Just please, let me know what I'm doing right, too?)

 

[damppanties]

You're right. I quite liked Lila's Diary. You pulled me in after a couple of paragraphs. I liked the little boots episode too; I can empathize! This story of yours has a more believable feel to it - the characters are more real, the pace is more relaxed and the setting is good. You did the masturbation scene very nicely. The writing flowed, didn't feel awkward at all. Nice.

I have just one problem with it though. I didn't like the paragrpah full of description of the girls that the story starts with. I realise you want to give your reader a picture of how the twins look, but it can be done without a whole block of text listing out specifics.

 

[JohnB73]

Well, if that's all I did wrong in Lila's Diary so far, I take it I've really grown! Let's boogie down to progress!

But yeah, I wanted to start off by describing the twins so that the mental picture of how different they are would be established, and lasting through the rest of the story. Though their differences are also illustrated in how they decorate their rooms, too, and their general attitudes. I'm still working on chapter two, but it's not ready yet. Suggestions are welcome, though!