Fetlife Asshat PMs

[LittleJade]

Because I feel the need to pass along some funny ones.


My profile states I am engaged to be married, and NOT looking, as I am on a BDSM sabbatical.

Here are two I've received in the last 12 hours:

Hello J.F.:

I don't want to get "cozy" with you as much as I want to bare and spank/paddle/strap/cane your bottom. May I have the pleasure?

Hi...

I was searching for some new contacts and came across your profile. You have some brow-raising photos that interest me quite a bit. I must say you are very pleasing to my eye and I want to add you to my friends list for a possible future encounter.

Get back to me ASAP if interested.

 

[RawHumor]

Someone apparently doesn't know the meaning of ASAP!

You haven't returned his PM yet, have you?

 

[LittleJade]

Someone apparently doesn't know the meaning of ASAP!

You haven't returned his PM yet, have you?

I wrote back and told the first one "no, you mayn't", and told the second roughly the same thing.

 

[the_mgp]

This one had me a bit wtf...

"My, oh, my. I so love swan necked women. OK, so I'm an asthete...doesn't mean I can't Dom or pontificate about Dom-ing."

Oh and there's this pearler too

"hi seeking slave to pose in my cross i have just made,"

Love the comma at the end.

 

[Bandit58]

Gee what's wrong with me I haven't had any asshat ones from there Collarme on the other hand.....

 

[the_mgp]

If it's any consolation Bandit, I'm yet to get any HNG mail here!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I got one that asked for my phone number so I could hook up with this brain dead guy and get my 'lushous' ass spanked. My reply?

Master does this for me. Find your own ass. I can send you a map.

 

[the_mgp]

lol

 

[sexycaz22]

I got one that asked for my phone number so I could hook up with this brain dead guy and get my 'lushous' ass spanked. My reply?

Master does this for me. Find your own ass. I can send you a map.

Thank you for that, it made me laugh and cheered me up!

 

[Abraxas Winterlight]

I got one that asked for my phone number so I could hook up with this brain dead guy and get my 'lushous' ass spanked. My reply?

Master does this for me. Find your own ass. I can send you a map.

*snort*

 

[LittleJade]

A wonderful exchange I had recently:


Him:

Hello J.F.:

I don't want to get "cozy" with you as much as I want to bare and spank/paddle/strap/cane your bottom. May I have the pleasure?

Me:

No, you mayn't.

Thanks for the offer, though.

Him:

Did I see you on the veranda at the coffee shop on Main Street this evening?

Me:

Nope. I was at home with my hubby-to-be...

Him:

Well, there was a woman there that looked very much like you.

By the way, ask your "hubby-to-be" if I may bare you and spank you.

Take care, and, be well, luv.

Him again:

By the way, we have a mutual interest in ancient history. I, too, am very interested in ancient Rome and ancient Greece, but, I'm interested in so many more ancient cultures. Mycenaen Greece, Minoan Crete, Sumeria, Assyria, Babylonia, Harrapa, Mohenjo Daro, Egypt, Etruria, etc.

While I am undressing you in preparation for your spanking, we can discuss our mutual interest in ancient history.

Me:

You may not spank me.

By his ruling and by my own.

Him:

I will accept his ruling.

Me:

And not mine?

Nice respectful person you are.

Him:

I consider you to be his slave/submissive. Of course, I respect the ruling of your Master/Dominant. I expect you to obey his commands. If your Master/Dominant commanded you to serve me or please me, you as a slave/submissive must obey him. Consequently, your ruling is immaterial. Your Master/Dominant's ruling is all that matters.

Now, would you care to discuss our mutual interest, ancient history?

Me:

Pardon me, P____, but you don't have the SLIGHTEST clue as to what you're referring.

My hubby-to-be are on equal footing, and if we were to choose roles, I would be the dominant of the two of us. Certainly, he lacks a dominant bone in his body, while I switch quite happily. So what opinion you have of me, is formed in error.

Please, fix it.

Him:

Then, you are in need of taming and training. I can tame you, train you, and enable you to enjoy your slave-self.

Me:

Oh fuck off.

I'm not a slave, have never been a slave, and never WANT to be a slave. I am quite happy as I am, and those involved in my life are quite happy that I am content.

You, however, need to find another mark. You'll have no success with me.

Move along.

His last word:

I've wasted enough time with you, slave. Don't contact me again!

 

[Betticus]

Yeah, don't contact him again! Stalkersubbie!

 

[Essene]

I've wasted enough time with you, slave. Don't contact me again!

Yeah Jade. Leave him alone already. Jeez.



I wish I was brilliant enough to write as well as some of these asshats. This was highly entertaining.

 

[FurryFury]

Mostly I've had nice people contact me on Fetlife.

Someone contacted me here with a list of likes that were clearly from Fetlife though.

Whatever.

Not looking, not available. Try another slot please. Thank you and have a nice fucking day.

 

[LittleJade]

Yeah, don't contact him again! Stalkersubbie!

Oh totally. And he's like, TOTALLY my type, too... *rolling my eyes* You'd know, if I disclosed his identity, that that's not the case.

Yeah Jade. Leave him alone already. Jeez.



I wish I was brilliant enough to write as well as some of these asshats. This was highly entertaining.

Oh I know, I'm SUCH a bad stalking girl. *grin*

He actually knows a friend of mine, and she thinks he's a complete turd... but he's apparently brilliant. I, she says, will never win a battle of words with him. This says something about that guy's brain. That being said, he's a moron.

Mostly I've had nice people contact me on Fetlife.

Someone contacted me here with a list of likes that were clearly from Fetlife though.

Whatever.

Not looking, not available. Try another slot please. Thank you and have a nice fucking day.

*smile*

 

[Lady_Midnight]

I never get these PM's.

I don't know whether to be glad or offended.

 

[Sir_Julian]

A wonderful exchange I had recently:


Him:


Me:


Him:


Me:


Him:


Him again:


Me:


Him:


Me:


Him:


Me:


Him:


Me:


His last word:

Oh jebus, I have not quite laughed so hard in Lit as I did reading that "conversation". Thanks for sharing...

 

[LittleJade]

I never get these PM's.

I don't know whether to be glad or offended.

I was amused. Like, massively. My friend who knows him tells me that at every SINGLE munch, he asks her Master if he can spank her... and every time, he says no. He asks pro Dommes if he can spank them. *shaking my head* Oy.

Oh jebus, I have not quite laughed so hard in Lit as I did reading that "conversation". Thanks for sharing...

*giggling* You're welcome.

 

[CurlyKat]

Sadly, everything I've gotten has been in German. I KNOW it says I live in Germany, but if you take the time to read my profile BEFORE sending the message, you'll see that I'm American. I know enough German to read and for the most part understand (depending on how much slang is used) what they're saying, but still. It's one of my rules, if you don't read the profile first, then you probably won't get a nice response, if one at all, from me.

 

[purrrrrrr]

What a very funny thread . Made me smile Thank you for sharing

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hello, how are you? Would you send me a photo of yourself taking a fully clothed bath please?

WTF? I just replied 'No.' What planet do these guys live on exactly and why can't we leave them all there?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Look on the positive side, no matter how asshat some view these PM's to be, they are obviously entertaining and memorable enough to deserve a thread of their own here, and even replies...they are a success!!...lol, when I was looking and I got the occasional one who was on the wrong track for me, they got a polite reply which said 'no thanks and good luck in your search', then deleted...if they recontacted, no reply followed. I was on a mission with no time to waste.

Catalina

 

[EmpressFi]

WTF? I just replied 'No.' What planet do these guys live on exactly and why can't we leave them all there?

a fully-clothed bath?????

takes all kinds

 

[LittleJade]

Look on the positive side, no matter how asshat some view these PM's to be, they are obviously entertaining and memorable enough to deserve a thread of their own here, and even replies...they are a success!!...lol, when I was looking and I got the occasional one who was on the wrong track for me, they got a polite reply which said 'no thanks and good luck in your search', then deleted...if they recontacted, no reply followed. I was on a mission with no time to waste.

Catalina

Oh totally- I'm completely amused by the conversation I posted.

 

[ShyGuy68]

I think you should all add a link to this thread, when you do reply to the asshats!!