Feeling guilty, help me, please...

[Treach]

SweetErika suggested that I seek help in this forum, so here goes...

I'm a young recently married man, and my wife doesn't know what I do online. I've done a lot of online stuff, from webcam shows to cam to cam stuff, to mic/phone stuff. Most of this was when we were engaged and not yet married, but there has been some stuff afterwards...

Anyways, I feel pretty darned guilty about it and I feel like I've cheated on my wife. I know for a fact that she would not approve and probably be pretty upset. She wouldn't leave me or anything, but she'd still be upset. It's not affecting our relationship or our sex life in any way. She's actually very experimental sexually and we do some freaky stuff. Our sex life is wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing about it. But I just can't seem to stop the online stuff, and I've tried to stop several times.

I know some people believe that it's harmless fun, and I'm not judging anyone else's relationships; I just feel that for me, it is dishonest to go behind my wife's back and do this.

Is anyone else in this situation or have advice for me?

 

[fgarvb1]

Tell her that you have an addiction to that stuff because you do.

Tell her you are fighting it and could use any help and support she can give.

Win or lose you will at least find out what kind of relationship you have and what kind of women you are married to.

 

[Weird Harold]

I know some people believe that it's harmless fun, and I'm not judging anyone else's relationships; I just feel that for me, it is dishonest to go behind my wife's back and do this.

Is anyone else in this situation or have advice for me?

1: if YOU feel it's wrong and feel guilty about it, then stop doing it.

2: if you can't stop doing it, then seek professional help to kick your addiction.

 

[Lynxie]

I'd have to agree with Weird Harold. If you truly feel what you're doing is wrong, then you need to stop, be it on your own or via professional help. You should also be honest about it with your wife - marriage is about good communication. As hard as it may be to tell her about it, I think it would probably be much worse if she found out on her own. Good luck.

 

[DevilSyndrom]

nothing more can really be added to weird....

 

[vargas111]

If she is willig to be experimental, you ar wasting our time here. Stop and go have sex! I would not be here is I could.

But you should not feel "guilty." jsut slightly foolish for having non-fat yoghurt when you could be having chocolate moose.

 

[capricious_chic]

I am leaning two different ways in the advice I would give.

One way - stop. You feel that she wouldn't approve, it makes you feel bad, so why continue?

The other way - tell her. Include her into this arena that you enjoy. You can't be positive that she would disapprove unless you talk about it. You could always start w/what ifs and move on from there. Odds are that if you continue she will eventually find out about it. It would be better if it were something you had discussed and set limits to. It is only harmless if it is out in the open - if it is hidden it is no longer harmless as it could be a real threat to the relationship. No, it may not end the relationship but it could do some serious damage and cause trust issues that weren't there before.

 

[chicago31man]

My Advice

No comment

 

[EJFan]

i agree with a lot of what's been posted... but here's my two cents.

1. don't say a word. this is your guilt trip to deal with and telling her is just a way of pulling an innocent party into the hurt. just stop doing it if you prefer life with her to life with your other endeavors.

2. if you want to keep doing these things, then you have to make a choice to either get her blessing OR do them on your own. the way i'm reading your post, it seems that this would be a "deal-breaker" for her. if that's the case then the choice has to be made.

 

[Treach]

Thanks for everyone's advice.

To clarify, this would most certainly not be a deal breaker for her. We are both committed to making this marriage work and there is not a doubt in my mind that even if she caught me red-handed, she wouldn't leave. This isn't about staying with her at all costs, this is about not doing something that would really hurt her feelings if she found out.

Also, I have had a lot of difficulty stopping. Those of you who say, just stop, it's a little harder than that for me. I guess what I'm looking for is if anyone has any tips or strategies on how I could stop.

Also, those of you who can't understand why I do this when I can have the real thing, it's a little more complicated like that. As I've seen others say in other threads, the thrill of doing something with strangers online or on the phone is a totally different plane than sex with your significant other. It's exhibitionistic as well as voyeuristic, and it's just variety. In general, I think males are naturally attracted to the idea of sexual behavior with as many women as possible. Variety is the spice of life, as they say. Now, my dick may want to sow my oats everywhere as much as possible, but my head, my morality, and my faith tell me that that's not the right path for me.

To sum up, I realize that A. I have to stop and B. I have to tell my wife. Those two are given. What I'm asking is if anyone has any advice on exactly how I should go about doing the two. I have a few thoughts about it, for one, I'd like to have stopped doing it for a little while before I tell her, like 6 months or a year. Does this seem like a good idea, or should I tell her right away to elicit her help?

I've written a lot more than I expected to, so whoever actually reads the whole thing, bless you, and any advice is very welcome and MUCH appreciated!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: stopping: you have an addiction. If you try to stop and fail, it means that you're addicted. The best way to break an addiction is to seek professional help. Go see a therapist. Lots of people are addicted to online play. It's not something to be ashamed of that you are, as well.

However, what you SHOULD be ashamed of is that you are willingly engaging in something that would hurt your wife. As someone who's been the "wife" in this situation, let me tell you that what you're doing, while you're only doing it for variety and novelty, is very hurtful. It affects a lot of emotional plains in a person. I'm very open.. if my bf in that case had told me he was doing it, and asked if it was alright, and shared the experience, I think maybe it wouldn't have bugged me. I enjoy those activities, too. I just am honest about them.

I recommend you just sit down with your wife and tell her that you think you have an addiction to internet sex. Big thing to say, but once you get it out, everything else will just flow after.

Best of luck.

 

[NaiveOne]

I would recommend getting rid of the computer of awhile. That way there is no possible way you can sneak into the chat rooms- even if you and your penis feel extremely desperate! Now, I know this sounds extreme, but if you are really committed to telling your wife and stopping, then maybe this is the way to do it. You can use the internet at work or at the public library to check you email, and use the morning paper for other information you need. Of course, you would have to talk to her about it.... because she would think you were a little looney if you just randomly threw away your computer or moved it into the linen closet. I can imagine "Yeah honey.... I moved the pillow cases back behind the keyboard, I hope you don't mind..."

All in all, I think it is very admirable to want to tell her the truth and quit what you are doing. I think it is a good idea, and we as the Lit comunity support you! Please keep us updated!

 

[Dstorage]

A less drastic measure is just cancel your internet provider for a while. Tell your wife that you are spending too much time on it and want to spend more time with her. It will be hard to go without for about a week or so, but once you get through the withdrawal I think you'll be less attached to the routine of what you were doing.

Take your wife out to the movies or to a play instead.

 

[Metal_Monkey]

My Opinion:

Tell your wife, because she will find out anyway. The idea of hiding sexual activity from her will hurt her feelings more than having sexual activity without her (in this context). If you know she wouldn't approve, and that your actions will hurt her feelings, then you're cheating (there's another thread about the definition of cheating; most posters agreed with the statement in bold.)

If you have an addiction/infatuation with cams and cybersex, you will not be able to stop for six months, or a year, and then tell your wife about your ex-addiciton. This is a delaying tactic - stop using it now.

If you like the exhibitionism, and voyeurism, ask your wife to participate. She's experimental, you said, so she'll do it. She can have her nasty way with you while you cyber, or spy on you during a cam session. You can cyber with her if you've got more than one computer.

It's natural to want to assuage your feelings of guilt, but no amount of hand-holding from us lit-folks will replace the good opinion of your wife! Involve her, seek her counsel.

This ends my opinion.

 

[assister49]

Sorry this is very long

I am writing from the wife’s point of view because I can write from personal experience. My husband has been involved in on-line play for many, many years. In fact, we met on line through YIM. The difference was that it was my first experience with IM after my divorce, but he had been a participant in many sites, erotic and other (tech stuff, etc). So after we had been together for awhile I came to find out that he had this thing for writing erotic stories. He shared some of his stories with me, and even though it bothered me a bit at first that I had unknowingly married someone who wrote porn, I came to accept it and even enjoyed reading his stories. Like your wife, I could be considered experimental (or at least open to new ideas), however hubby still describes me as being a plain vanilla whom has taken a long time to move outside of my comfort zone (still working on that one), and being part of lit conversations is one part of that movement for me.

Anyway, (I am trying to make a long story short, but it is not working), the next thing was I woke in the middle of the night and went into his office where he was corresponding with a woman and looking at her naked pictures. I then found out he was actually advertising for “married but looking” opportunities. You don’t think this hurt? You bet your booty it hurt. We had many a long talk about things and came to the agreement that he would not openly advertise, we would maintain a monogamous relationship, and though he would continue to maintain on-line friends, they would go no further than late-night chats.

You mentioned that this has no affect on your relationship. It is a big mistake to believe that. What has been lost from my relationship is the trust. I should mention that when we met on-line, he was in a relationship with someone else while chatting with me, and agreeing to meet me, etc. So right off the bat, I had trust issues. We have a wonderful relationship in other areas (intellectually, sexually, and spiritually) so I have been willing to accept this as a part of who he is and I try to trust that what he has promised me will not be broken. But it is hard. Everyday it is hard. It is even harder when he tells me things like – if I wanted to have a relationship (including sex) with someone else, he would not mind as long as everyone knew the score. These sorts of things undermine the fidelity that I thought I could rely on.

I know that he continues to have chat relationships with many women on-line. I know that he is here at lit, and he knows that I am here. I know that he continues to look at peoples pictures and correspond with them about his fantasies that include them. I know that he is still “married but looking” and I trust that he has maintained his promise not have sex with other women. But what I don’t know is if he has met these women in person. And I am always worried that he will find a “better deal” – someone of his intellectual equal, physically compatible, and of a more adventurous sort in bed.

I also feel that I must compete with all of these women. Even though it may not be true, my internal critic tells me they are prettier, smarter, more desirable, and can offer him so much more than I ever could in the way of exotic sex. Even though normally I am a self-confident woman, successful in a professional career, and stable in my beliefs, I have found that this area of our relationship has caused numerous bouts of depression and anguish. Don’t kid yourself that this does not affect your relationship. I suffer every day because of it.

I know that I can’t forbid it, nor would it be right of me to forbid it. I can only work with him to get to a place where he can keep some freedoms yet maintain some sense of marital fidelity. It is my issue to deal with concerning the trust part. Any one final thought – there is a difference between looking at porn of unknown people and fantasizing (detachment) and actually having erotic and intellectual conversations with “real people” who are everyday people just like me who live right here in our city. The way he describes me to others (pointing out my insufficiencies) is very hurtful. The realness of it all pains my heart.

 

[EJFan]

Thanks for everyone's advice.

To clarify, this would most certainly not be a deal breaker for her. We are both committed to making this marriage work and there is not a doubt in my mind that even if she caught me red-handed, she wouldn't leave. This isn't about staying with her at all costs, this is about not doing something that would really hurt her feelings if she found out.

Also, I have had a lot of difficulty stopping. Those of you who say, just stop, it's a little harder than that for me. I guess what I'm looking for is if anyone has any tips or strategies on how I could stop.

Also, those of you who can't understand why I do this when I can have the real thing, it's a little more complicated like that. As I've seen others say in other threads, the thrill of doing something with strangers online or on the phone is a totally different plane than sex with your significant other. It's exhibitionistic as well as voyeuristic, and it's just variety. In general, I think males are naturally attracted to the idea of sexual behavior with as many women as possible. Variety is the spice of life, as they say. Now, my dick may want to sow my oats everywhere as much as possible, but my head, my morality, and my faith tell me that that's not the right path for me.

To sum up, I realize that A. I have to stop and B. I have to tell my wife. Those two are given. What I'm asking is if anyone has any advice on exactly how I should go about doing the two. I have a few thoughts about it, for one, I'd like to have stopped doing it for a little while before I tell her, like 6 months or a year. Does this seem like a good idea, or should I tell her right away to elicit her help?

I've written a lot more than I expected to, so whoever actually reads the whole thing, bless you, and any advice is very welcome and MUCH appreciated!

with all due respect, you don't have to (and shouldn't) tell your wife. whether it's a deal breaker or not, if you know it's going to hurt her if she finds out then there's NOTHING GOOD that can come from you telling her... it's very self serving. i know there are people who would argue "open and honest" is best but in the case of affairs and other subversive behavior i have to say that you need to swallow your pride, deal with the emotional anguish yourself and don't take her down with you. you can't do something "wrong" and expect other people to take the pain for you. the price is yours to pay... so if you stop, you pay that price by coping with your own guilt until it goes away in its own time.

also, i respect that you're both committed to making your marriage work at any cost. i tend to believe that there's ALWAYS a breaking point and when two people are in a relationship and one turns out to be doing something the other one doesn't respect or understand it will EVENTUALLY lead to a bad situation. having the drive to stay together is important and honorable but it doesn't give either person the right to do things without considering the other's thoughts and feelings.

 

[SweetErika]

A few resources...

I don't have any tips on stopping, but there are a ton of resources online that might be helpful...
http://psychcentral.com/netaddiction/
http://www.cybersexualaddiction.com/ http://www.netaddiction.com/cybersexual_addiction.htm
http://www.sexualrecovery.com/resources/
Really good on cheating via chat and porn: http://www.chatcheaters.com/addicted-to-porn.html

I found a lot of Christian websites on this as well, but some of their advice seemed a little sketchy and very judgemental. However, if incorporating your faith into this appeals to you, it's out there.

 

[alg68]

I agree with most of what's been said, and certainly if you feel what you are doing is wrong, then you need to stop. Just take a moment and decide what you really feel is wrong - what you are doing, or the fact that you're hiding it from your wife.

How do you know for a fact she'd disapprove? Does she really know what she's disapproving of? I find many people who disapprove of any activity are simply underinformed about it or intimidated by it.

As capricious_chic touched upon, it may simply be that you need to include your wife. Is she aware of or currently enjoy any sort of internet porn/erotica? Has she seen Literotica? I find it to be one of the least threatening erotica sites on the web, and a great source of information. All it takes to convince someone that maybe at least the bulletin board sections are good is one "I read about this thing I'd like to try...." that works out well

Don't expect her to be putting on a live sex show tomorrow, but at least give her the chance to poke at the edges of cyber-erotica, and see if maybe there are some areas she'd like to explore. I don't necessarily think you need to end this facet of your sexuality, you just need to put it on hold for a while - ie. stop for now - and see if and how you can include your wife. Take things slowly, at her pace. It may be, eventually, that she can accept this interests you even if it does not interest her, and as long as you are not hiding it (give her access to your history and logs, establish guidelines as to how far the contact can go etc) you might be able to continue. It may be that she does in fact wish to put on daily live sex shows. Until you can have an informed and meaningful conversation about it with her, you'll never know.

Good Luck!

 

[tronada]

"""also, i respect that you're both committed to making your marriage work at any cost. i tend to believe that there's ALWAYS a breaking point and when two people are in a relationship and one turns out to be doing something the other one doesn't respect or understand it will EVENTUALLY lead to a bad situation. having the drive to stay together is important and honorable but it doesn't give either person the right to do things without considering the other's thoughts and feelings."""

So true. So true. After finding out a very big secret from my husband that he hid for 15 years, let me tell you, Treach, I would much have preferred to know right from the start, or at least sooner than 15 years. I also consider myself very experimental in the bedroom and otherwise, but it's the trust issue that is hardest for me. Any lie is hurtful, and the longer it goes on, the more hurtful it is.
I may not be the one to give good advice on this, but I say unless you think your wife will join you and not be hurt by it, you oughta just keep it to yourself and deal with it. You know what THEY say. What you don't know can't hurt you. How true that is. And you can't go back and erase it once it's out.
Speaking from limited and different experience.

tronada

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

I'd have to agree with Weird Harold. If you truly feel what you're doing is wrong, then you need to stop, be it on your own or via professional help. You should also be honest about it with your wife - marriage is about good communication. As hard as it may be to tell her about it, I think it would probably be much worse if she found out on her own. Good luck.

AMEN!

 

[bobsgirl]

with all due respect, you don't have to (and shouldn't) tell your wife. whether it's a deal breaker or not, if you know it's going to hurt her if she finds out then there's NOTHING GOOD that can come from you telling her... it's very self serving. i know there are people who would argue "open and honest" is best but in the case of affairs and other subversive behavior i have to say that you need to swallow your pride, deal with the emotional anguish yourself and don't take her down with you. you can't do something "wrong" and expect other people to take the pain for you. the price is yours to pay... so if you stop, you pay that price by coping with your own guilt until it goes away in its own time.

also, i respect that you're both committed to making your marriage work at any cost. i tend to believe that there's ALWAYS a breaking point and when two people are in a relationship and one turns out to be doing something the other one doesn't respect or understand it will EVENTUALLY lead to a bad situation. having the drive to stay together is important and honorable but it doesn't give either person the right to do things without considering the other's thoughts and feelings.

If you get to the point where you are truly committed to stopping, then I agree, it is very self-serving to tell your wife. It assuages your guilt, but dumps a whole load of crap in her lap. You made the choices you did, you're the only one who should pay the price.

I wish you all good luck in working this out.

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: Sorry this is very long

Originally posted by assister49 I know that I can’t forbid it, nor would it be right of me to forbid it. I can only work with him to get to a place where he can keep some freedoms yet maintain some sense of marital fidelity. It is my issue to deal with concerning the trust part. Any one final thought – there is a difference between looking at porn of unknown people and fantasizing (detachment) and actually having erotic and intellectual conversations with “real people” who are everyday people just like me who live right here in our city. The way he describes me to others (pointing out my insufficiencies) is very hurtful. The realness of it all pains my heart.

Will someone explain to me WHY any woman would put up with a situation where the husband is obviously trying to find a fuck buddy and then attempt to rationalize his behavior into something acceptable?

Accepter, this isn't acceptable. Its grounds for divorce for christs sake. Attempting to rationalize his behavior into something acceptable is not something you should have to do. Its unacceptable and wrong on your part to try to explain it away or reach some compromise position where you'll be doing most of the compromising.

From the sound it, this guy is a callous son of bitch and you should kick his sorry ass to the curb, then park a truck on his chest. Married partners love and respect each other, not put you down in front of others. Normally I'd advise people to seek help and try to save things. Not this time. Kick the asshole out and tell him to find a good lawyer cause you intend to clean his clock.

 

[zhukov1943]

I would recommend getting rid of the computer of awhile.

Damn good idea!

When I was drinking too much, I got the booze out of the house. Made it a lot more of a pain in the ass to go down the street to get a drink. Try the same thing with your computer!