Feeling a bit lost in the world of D/s

[ExiledWelshman]

So, some of you might know me. If you do, you may know some of my history.

For those who don't, and I would never be so presumptuous to think that many of you do, in brief I was a Daddy Dom to someone and when it was good it was so very very good. When it was bad...holy shitbags...let's just say we were incredibly good at hurting each other.

And not in the fun ways.

Thing is, I kind of feel like she wrote the book for me. I didn't have much experience before. Certainly I had played at being dominant in terms of "fun" but never lifestyle.

I feel a little like I have lost it my way with it. I know I love it and it was a part of me long hidden. But when shit IRL goes very very badly wrong and it impacts your ability to be a good Dominant, should it be so hard to find your way back?

I feel very very lost right now.

 

[cookiecat]

So, some of you might know me. If you do, you may know some of my history.

For those who don't, and I would never be so presumptuous to think that many of you do, in brief I was a Daddy Dom to someone and when it was good it was so very very good. When it was bad...holy shitbags...let's just say we were incredibly good at hurting each other.

And not in the fun ways.

Thing is, I kind of feel like she wrote the book for me. I didn't have much experience before. Certainly I had played at being dominant in terms of "fun" but never lifestyle.

I feel a little like I have lost it my way with it. I know I love it and it was a part of me long hidden. But when shit IRL goes very very badly wrong and it impacts your ability to be a good Dominant, should it be so hard to find your way back?

I feel very very lost right now.

Breakups are hard anyways, then add the D/s to it and I think it's that much harder because of the protector/protected dynamic. The control thing. When my Daddy could no longer be Daddy due to personal circumstances, it threw such a wrench in our relationship. He was the large and in charge guy and he couldn't be anymore. Although I believe I'm a capable grown-ass woman, I was still his little girl, his kitten and suddenly I was making every decision. It felt awkward. Although it wasn't a break-up, it was a loss of one big reason we were together.

So yeah, the rug has been pulled out from under you and you start to question yourself. The thing is, real life shit will always happen. Always. I had to find a way to be his kitten. Make him feel like my Daddy in different ways.

The best thing you can do is learn from what happened. Figure out how much you contributed to the break up. What will you do different in the future? The great thing about ending a relationship (which, I know sounds weird) is that you found out new things about yourself. As sucky as it is, you learned what you like, what you don't.

Dip your toes back in the water. Come up to the cafe part of the forum, engage in some conversation. Join a site like Fet Life and join some Daddy/little girl groups - see if any of those float your boat.

It's hard to heal your heart. Get your confidence back. But you're off to a good start just by asking the question out loud.

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Breakups are hard anyways, then add the D/s to it and I think it's that much harder because of the protector/protected dynamic. The control thing. When my Daddy could no longer be Daddy due to personal circumstances, it threw such a wrench in our relationship. He was the large and in charge guy and he couldn't be anymore. Although I believe I'm a capable grown-ass woman, I was still his little girl, his kitten and suddenly I was making every decision. It felt awkward. Although it wasn't a break-up, it was a loss of one big reason we were together.

So yeah, the rug has been pulled out from under you and you start to question yourself. The thing is, real life shit will always happen. Always. I had to find a way to be his kitten. Make him feel like my Daddy in different ways.

The best thing you can do is learn from what happened. Figure out how much you contributed to the break up. What will you do different in the future? The great thing about ending a relationship (which, I know sounds weird) is that you found out new things about yourself. As sucky as it is, you learned what you like, what you don't.

Dip your toes back in the water. Come up to the cafe part of the forum, engage in some conversation. Join a site like Fet Life and join some Daddy/little girl groups - see if any of those float your boat.

It's hard to heal your heart. Get your confidence back. But you're off to a good start just by asking the question out loud.

Thanks cookie.

It's confidence that is the hardest part. Over the last 6-7 months I've dealt with illness, mental health issues, massive family trauma, issues at work...it led to me not being as emotionally present as either of us would like. I feel that my being "away" was justified; I had shit to deal with and it has messed with my head big time.

I'm not looking for any kind of relationship as I know I have to sort myself out before I can do anything with anyone. As D/s has become part of me, this also needs to be sorted out. I know nobody here is going to give me the answer (if only life were so easy) and that I have to find it for myself.

I know it works on both sides too, but that is water under the bridge. I need to focus on what I did wrong, what I did well and how I can improve as a person from this, not just as a Daddy Dom.

 

[cookiecat]

You mention sorting out the D/s side of you. As unsure as you feel today, this is the exciting part. It's great you're open enough to realize you aren't looking for another relationship. But nothing is stopping you from exploring. Chatting. Discovering more about what you want, what you don't want.

I think online relationships can be more intense than real life because we don't have the opportunity to have that grounding touch, the comfort of looking in to someone's eyes, that added context of being face to face. With online - at least for me - I can build someone / something up to larger than life proportions. So when it ends, it crashes and burns.

I've had these amazing love feelings for an online Dominant, only to turn to frustration, anger and disgust. The funny thing is, in my real life, I'm still friends with a few of the guys I had intense relationships with because we could sit down face to face.

Anyways. I wish you the best and hope to see you around.

 

[ExiledWelshman]

You mention sorting out the D/s side of you. As unsure as you feel today, this is the exciting part. It's great you're open enough to realize you aren't looking for another relationship. But nothing is stopping you from exploring. Chatting. Discovering more about what you want, what you don't want.

I think online relationships can be more intense than real life because we don't have the opportunity to have that grounding touch, the comfort of looking in to someone's eyes, that added context of being face to face. With online - at least for me - I can build someone / something up to larger than life proportions. So when it ends, it crashes and burns.

I've had these amazing love feelings for an online Dominant, only to turn to frustration, anger and disgust. The funny thing is, in my real life, I'm still friends with a few of the guys I had intense relationships with because we could sit down face to face.

Anyways. I wish you the best and hope to see you around.

Thank you (hugs)