Feelin' a little insecure now...

[Cirrus]

Since my Dom and I have recently split up, this has lead me to the realization that I'm going to be seeking a partner at some point in the future...not now, but when I feel the time is right.

I know that I definitely need D/s in my relationships, and a healthy spanking wouldn't hurt now and then too.

But...where would I begin? It was just dumb luck that my last guy turned out to be dominant with an open mind. When is it best to bring up that you're kinky? As soon as seems reasonable in the "getting to know you" phase, when it looks like you're going to end up in bed, after you've been together a few times?

And please, no one suggest online personals. While I know they work for a lot of people, that's just not something I want to get involved with. I have my reasons. I'm talking a real, flesh and blood, met at the grocery store kind of potential partner.

This is one of those situations I liken to being gay. There's nothing wrong with being gay, there's nothing wrong with BDSM, both are just an aspect of who you are as a person, but some people THINK there is something wrong with those. This probably means at some point, I'm going to be looking a guy, and wondering...is he kinky? Could he be? And god forbid what if I meet a man I really like, tell him I'm kinky, and he freaks out? That's a lovely boost to the ol' self esteem.

So where to begin, where to begin? I have no problem meeting people, and usually a pretty easy time flirting, making my feelings known, and seeing where, if anywhere, it goes. But I now know I cannot be in a 'nilla only relationship...so I could use a few pointers before I go out there someday and really blow it.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Cirrus, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you had hoped they would.

I don't really know how to go about finding a new partner, cause I haven't been in that possition for so long now. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I don't blame ya on the online personal ads tho.

The only other thing I'd like to add is this........maybe the person you are looking for is someone you already know. I mean maybe that person is there already, ready to make your life complete, and you haven't noticed him yet. Just a thought.

Best of luck to you!!

~smile~
dixi

 

[P. B. Walker]

Well, obviously I don't know the answers since I'm still single.

I wish ya the best of luck though. Sorry to hear about the breakup.

PBW

 

[~Dream~]

still sorry of the loss hun..

I do have a suggestion .. if it's ok .. I met my love through a personal friend of us both,Angelofsex,and maybe your real-life or online friends may know someone and sinc THEY would want is BEST for You ,that may or may not work ... just a thought..

 

[SexyChele]

I think it's been mentioned many times here before, and that is to try to connect with local munch groups. This will automatically introduce you to people who share your sexual preferences and needs. It also affords an avenue of networking whereby people you meet might know of some one you could be interested in.

I know you said absolutely no online personals, but something I hadn't considered until a Dom brought it to my attention. Using online personals to simply meet people - no relationship involved, but as a form of networking. I haven't tried this, but it might be an option.

I would really avoid telling a man you are kinky. If he is a dominant, that might be okay. However, there are lots of vanilla guys out there who are fascinated at the thought of a woman who "likes it kinky" and want to explore. Be certain you really get to know a man first, ask questions, watch how he reacts, take note of how he deals with things. When you've been around dominants, you can truly pick them out of a crowd if you observe them long enough. They have a presence about them that is easy to pick up.

Good luck, Cirrus!

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think it's been mentioned many times here before, and that is to try to connect with local munch groups. This will automatically introduce you to people who share your sexual preferences and needs. It also affords an avenue of networking whereby people you meet might know of some one you could be interested in.

I know you said absolutely no online personals, but something I hadn't considered until a Dom brought it to my attention. Using online personals to simply meet people - no relationship involved, but as a form of networking. I haven't tried this, but it might be an option.

I would really avoid telling a man you are kinky. If he is a dominant, that might be okay. However, there are lots of vanilla guys out there who are fascinated at the thought of a woman who "likes it kinky" and want to explore. Be certain you really get to know a man first, ask questions, watch how he reacts, take note of how he deals with things. When you've been around dominants, you can truly pick them out of a crowd if you observe them long enough. They have a presence about them that is easy to pick up.

Good luck, Cirrus!

I'd like to piggy back on what chele said.

Munches are the best in my opinion. That is how I got started with skin-to-skin.

You can meet people in a non play atmosphere, and move to playing after some sort of friendship has occurred.

However the biggest benefit to going to munches is that you will continue to communicate with people who understand what you are going through. You are never left to cope alone.

Eb

 

[MissTaken]

Feel like the carpet has been pulled from beneath your feet?

I will piggy back Chele and EB...

Munches. It is so helpful just to be able to vocalize," I need this."

And Cirrus?

I think many times we find what we are looking for when we stop searching.

Honestly, my experience with on line personals has been a mixed bag. If one measures how many people I have talked with against my social life, it is sadly lacking in the stats to justify doing it again.

Lit has played a large role in my singledom by giving me an outlet where I can just be. No secrets. Just me.

Look to us.
Look within yourself.
Take it slow and easy.

hugs

 

[Ghost's amaris]

You could always try using something like:
alt.com. You can then put in the things you are looking for weather the kink, location and that. It is another place to look.

I am not really sure my partner and I met through a friend and he broached the subject with me as i had never been in a D/s relationship or ever thought or known of it before.

Ghost's amaris

 

[SexyChele]

You could always try using something like:
alt.com. You can then put in the things you are looking for weather the kink, location and that. It is another place to look.

With all due respect, Cirrus has explicitely stated that she doesn't want to do online personals, and that is what alt.com is. Personally, I've had some success with alt.com, but it isn't for everyone.

 

[Lancecastor]

The best place to find a mate is from the place where you are not looking for a mate.

Lance "huh?" Castor, knowin' it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Support Network

That was the phrase I was looking for.

Munches provide a network of support for a) finding new play mates, and b) screening them.

Usually you get references within the group about various Dommes and subs (yes I said subs); which makes the screening process that much more easier.

For example,

when the subs under my protection need a reference to a potential Domme, I provide that service for them. It makes the potential Domme know that this submissive has been well trained and is serious. It also provides a measure of safety for the sub, because the new Domme knows that someone is looking out for the submissive.

Eb

 

[zipman]

<snip>
This is one of those situations I liken to being gay. There's nothing wrong with being gay, there's nothing wrong with BDSM, both are just an aspect of who you are as a person, but some people THINK there is something wrong with those. This probably means at some point, I'm going to be looking a guy, and wondering...is he kinky? Could he be? And god forbid what if I meet a man I really like, tell him I'm kinky, and he freaks out? That's a lovely boost to the ol' self esteem.
<snip>

Cirrus,

I don't understand why it would be a blow to your self-esteem. All it means is that you have different desires. If you went up to someone that you were attracted to and they said they were gay, it wouldn't be a reflection on you, merely that they have a different sexual orientation.

I had someone totally freak out when I told them about my BDSM desires. She went off on me for about an hour. She called me sick, twisted, totally fucked up and in need of serious psychiatric help.

My reply:

"So, does that mean you don't want a spanking?" Then I left.

The truth is that once you get past the fear of what soemone else will think, it gets so much easier. My current gf and I met and she had no idea of my interests. When I mentioned them she became curious. Since then we have had a great time as I introduce her to more and more BDSM. Give it a chance and hang in there!!

 

[Sandia]

The best place to find a mate is from the place where you are not looking for a mate.

Lance "huh?" Castor, knowin' it.

Yeah.

Church is a wonderful place for that. Or Greenpeace, or Amnesty International, or community theatre, or whatever your interest is.

Plus, that way, even if you're don't meet anyone right away, you're not wasting your time.

I suspect there'll be lots more guys who'll be thrilled to learn you're kinky than the other way around.

 

[Lancecastor]

Eggxactly, Sandia....I was originally going to say "grocery store", because I get hit on at one particular grocery store constantly...it's frickin crazy.

Must be the light on my cucumber or something....

Anyway Cellis, no worries m'dear...just do the things you love to do.

He'll be there doin' it too.

Lance

 

[magicpenis]

and the other way around

how should a man tell a woman he is kinky? how will he know she wont freak out?

 

[BlondGirl]

I have never attended a "munch" but I used to attend meetings for the nearest kink group back when I was a newbie. That is where I formally met my current favorite lover. He and I knew each other casually from the hospital and, of course, neither of us would have ever considered the other (he claims different, but that is his manly duty, IMO) without having "met" in the kink atmosphere.

I don't personally get involved in any public kink activities any more. All it would take is one irresponsible person to ruin my job and I am too fond of electricity and truck payments that are made to risk that.

I am lucky to have found such a wonderful lover before getting burned.

My current suggestion for those who, like me, don't get involved publicly, is to get on some e-groups for nearby kink groups. This way, you can see what events are going on and kinda ease yourself in. I am on the list for Beaumont and some LA groups. I live near Houston. It is very unlikely that I will be running in to any of my patients if I elect to get involved with groups located over 2 hours away.

I do think the standard is to find a regular partner and compromise on your pleasures. For most people, this is how it seems to be. I know that if my lover tires of me and I am on the prowl again that I can be willing to give up my kinks and go totally vanilla for the right relationship. But that is what compromise is all about.

Hhhhmmmm....

Perhaps it would be helpful if some of us list where we have met our kinky lovers/partners.

My current was at the kink group meeting.
Another was online from an AOL IM.
Another at that same group.
Another was an old lover who was particularly aggressive and I talked him into letting me top him for some weekend fun. It did not work--we gave up and went into our pre-established roles and had a dandy time.

 

[artful]

I know that I definitely need D/s in my relationships, and a healthy spanking wouldn't hurt now and then too. <snip>

But I now know I cannot be in a 'nilla only relationship...so I could use a few pointers before I go out there someday and really blow it. <snip>

Well,...I sense you are MUCH more aware of what you want and NEED now,...than when you first met your ex-Dom, I think you have a definite advantage over most people in the same situation, (even some of those with MANY years experience in BDSM).

The advantage being you have searched inside yourself,...and found truths that you faced dead on, and recognise them for what they REALLY are. You have a good grasp of what you want,...and really,...all ya gotta do is begin your search.

I know,...easier to say than do,...but it's STILL the truth. The problem so many of us face in doing it skin-to-skin, (versus ONLINE), is the anonymity.

In many ways, online is a LOT safer, and the selection is MUCH greater, than skin-to-skin pursuits because of this. I hear you when you say you don't want to use personal ads etc., to meet people, and truly,...it may be best for you to NOT meet this way.

Personal ads though can be RESTRICTED to people living in a *SPECIFIC* locality, driving distance, etc. They can be placed ONLINE, magazines, newspapers,...Hell,...even your local phone book yellow pages if you want.

No matter,...sooner or later,...you will want to advertise, (one way or another),...Hey,...marketing really DOES work,...no matter what the item. Of course,...it can be done door to door,...friend to friend,...employee to employee,...job to job,...and the list goes on.

With anonymity on YOUR side, then you pursue your interests FREELY, the ONLY exposure,...is what you CHOOSE to reveal of your personal information, (real name, where you work, what you do, where you live, your phone number, etc.)

Anonymity gives YOU, much more POWER in turning someone OFF, if you run into a snag. The risks are ONLY what you CHOOSE to reveal.

With skin-to-skin,...there is AUTOMATIC exposure that MIGHT lead to a LOT more problems not only with PREDATORS,...but with so called friends, and/or associates, who will start rumors about YOU behind your back, (whether they be TRUE or False).

In a nutshell,...you make the decision how YOU want to do it, but realise one thing,...it is BEST to open up with TRUTHFUL statements, and BDSM is what you NEED, in order to be happy.

I would think THAT would need to be discussed as soon as possible, after meeting someone, you MIGHT be interested in developing THIS type of relationship with.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[~Dream~]

I agree with Master

In our case if we had not met "Online' we very well may not have met at all and that would have been asad thing for both of us indeed . I truly also feel that the answers you seek are by searching within yourself ,noone knows what's BEST for Cirrus except Cirrus..

 

[snoozebutton]

Hello Cirrus I can understand where your coming. We men are a strange breed we like our ladies to be "kinky" in bed but if the are more advanced than us our pride gets in the way. We think that we can't give them any surprises. Men like to think we were your first it boosts our ego and adds a little extra lead to the pencil lol. So I know it may be hard to broach your preferences with a newbie. And if you withhold from him you may risk hurting the trust you build with him later. My only suggestion to be upfront as soon as you get to that comfortable phase with him. Allow him to learn in stages and try and think of different takes on some things you've done. Make it like it's new so he feels your both walking along the path to discovery at the same pace. And I'm not saying all men are insecure or that we need cuddling or that we need our ego boosted, just that some men could get intimidated. I hope I'm wrong and you find an adventous and loving man that sees thru all the wrappings and tinsle that sex is and sees you as the true gift.

 

[Ricckk]

Be careful and get to know someone before you are alone with him or her. Like others have said, sometimes just when you "aren't looking" Mr. or Ms. Right will arrive.