Feedback?

[punkreader]

My name is Punkreader, the story I'd really appreciate feedback on is called "Late Morning," and its category is Lesbian Sex.

Link: http://www.literotica.com/s/late-morning

This piece was something of an experiment for me, and I'd really like to know how others think it turned out. I'm more than happy to give feedback in return, as well - it's only fair, in my book, that if someone gives me feedback, I do the same.

Thank you very much in advance.

 

[polynices]

This reads like an extract from a much longer piece. That's how it seems to me, anyway. I thought the writing was confident - and very competent.

I was a little uncertain about the '... experiment in writing without naming the characters' that you mention in your end-note though. The trick seemed to depend on your use of 'their' instead of a specific possessive (i.e. 'her' in this case) for the person in bed with the POV character. I just found that imprecise and a little clumsy; a little odd. I also wondered why you needed to conceal the character's gender until the end. I can imagine it as a valid plot device in some circumstances, but it didn't seem to have a real function here. There wasn't much impact, for me, at least, when you revealed they were both female at the end.

That aside, I think this was an effective piece of writing with a fully controlled and well-developed style - effective, that is, assuming it's part of a complete story-to-come. As it stands at the moment, it's just a scene, however. Do you intend to write the whole thing eventually - or have you done that already, maybe?

- polynices

 

[punkreader]

It actually is an extract from a larger work, as is "Unexpected Pleasures"; I'm glad it reads that way. It was when I originally wrote it, and still is, done with the intention of enticing readers, and getting them interested in the rest of the story. Thank you very much!

You're right - it was originally done as part of an exercise on another website, where I was planning to reveal at the end of this particular prompt (which was, "Character 1 wakes up in bed with a character of your choice," with "Character 1" being Akiko, and the other her lover) that both were women. I tried to modify it here from what I originally had, and I am aware that I missed some things - like the pronoun issue, which stemmed from the original prompt and the idea I had behind it. You make a good point about that: it *does* sound clumsy, and that bothers me. I understand that - I should have read it through more carefully before submission, and fixed the lackluster and purposeless reveal. (Unfortunately, due to vision and motor issues, scanning things quickly for errors is definitely not my strong suit, and doing so until I've caught everything takes me a *very* long time and I often get frustrated in the process - I think I need a fully-visioned, normally-abled editor to help me with such things.)

Thank you for your kind words (I...have a hard time taking compliments and praise, sadly, and I often don't know what to say in response...) It is indeed part of a complete story, although not all of it is erotic - it's meant to be, as a whole work, Plot With Porn, with much of the drama and conflict laying in character relationships, interactions, gross misconceptions, and pathos-driven motivations - none of the characters is solely good, nor are any of them entirely "bad", but they each have serious problems in one way or another. A work-in-progress self-written summary of the larger work in which the piece fits is here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/DarthWiki/OneTrackMind

Thank you - I remember when I had an inordinate amount of trouble with writing a few years ago, and even getting a paragraph down for an essay was torturous - now, with a lot of practice and help on improving from those close to me (as well as *lots* of reading, and learning from it), I feel confident in my writing, enough so to share it. I do intend to write the whole thing eventually, but it'll take more time than I had thought, due to a loss of the majority of my drafts. So I'm rewriting it (which is what the above site link is for - I'm cataloguing and writing it out there as a reference, and so I can cement my ideas.) eadI wish I'd done it already, though!

- punkreader