Feedback?

[phillyinjun]

Please have a look at my stories and give me some pointers The first one (Captive Lust) was difficult and written to enhance ambiguity... let me know it works.

The Tales

Thanks!

Charlie

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Not Bad Writing, Just Bad Form

You mix your tenses, past and present.

Based on your description, you're with a woman with only one leg. It's perfectly alright to be with an amputee, but I don't feel this was your intention.

Shorter paragraphs would help.

And there's no lead-in as to how that 'lucky' amputee found herself in that position.

That's a very quick assessment based on a brief read. The story itself is extremely short and offers no character development. You don't give me a reason to become interested in the story. You're lacking a "hook".

On the positive, you do have talent, although unrefined.

You need an editor, as well.

I'm busy at the moment but if you're patient, I could help. Or seek another.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Oh, my comments were directed to the latest, Captive.

 

[phillyinjun]

You mix your tenses, past and present.

Based on your description, you're with a woman with only one leg. It's perfectly alright to be with an amputee, but I don't feel this was your intention.

Shorter paragraphs would help.

And there's no lead-in as to how that 'lucky' amputee found herself in that position.

That's a very quick assessment based on a brief read. The story itself is extremely short and offers no character development. You don't give me a reason to become interested in the story. You're lacking a "hook".

On the positive, you do have talent, although unrefined.

You need an editor, as well.

I'm busy at the moment but if you're patient, I could help. Or seek another.

Heh! Amputee... that is a new one.

The tenses were mixed on purpose, since I had wanted to do a time and gender perspective. The gender is hard enough; I should have stuck to one.

I written this story for another site, and got much the same reaction, save the amputee theory. Of the 10 comments I got there, only 1 person got it.

I will redo the story.

Thanks!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Captive Lust - Well... let's start at the beginning -

awoke to find you lying nude next to me, your eyes half open as you stroked my chest. A naughty smile played across your lips and your fingers played with my nipples. I smiled back, and felt a familiar ache awaken deep within. I stretched along your body, my bare chest against your arm, and my leg thrown over your strong thigh. I moved my leg, massaging my calf against your pussy, your soft pussy hair pressing against my skin. You responded immediately, and you push against me. Through the hair, I feel your pussy lips part and I moan as desire rises in me. I reach out for you and I kiss your face, "Dina..." I mutter ....

In the first sentence you switched from present tense to past (to find and stroked). In the second sentence you wrote - "...across your lips and your fingers played..." Did you mean "... as (or while) your fingers played..."? The fourth sentence is incorrectly punctuated. You have a series but you placed a comma after the word "arm" then followed with "and". The comma doesn't belong there. Sentence five is a run-on sentence.

Now sentences five and six are chopped up with the words "you" and "your". The just doesn't flow. Then in sentence seven, "Through the hair..."? That phrase shouldn't even be there since it's unnecessary.

Then you end with two elipsis - The first one correctly done, the second both wrong (THREE DOTS - NEVER MORE, NEVER FEWER) inappropriate.

Appearantly, the second paragraph is from "Dina's" POV. This is confusing. You need to tell the reader when you are switching POV. The elipsis at the end of paragraph one doesn't do that. If anything, you should have begun paragraph two with something like, "Dina thought, "I love it when..." That tells the reader you've made the switch.

This problem is exhasperated by the fact that you continuously us "I" as the first person POV rather than giving them names, personalities and character.

Generally, this piece is difficult at best to read. As Drk said, the paragraphs are too long - you should keep them to 6 to 8 sceen lines - and the tense and POV shifts just drove me nuts. The story would have been much more interesting if you had spent the effort to make the characters real with personalities. As it is, this is not a story at all, but flash fiction.

Next time, bring some life into the characters and give them a real story. As I've said many times in this forum a story is - An introduction, followed by an action that moves the story along to some conclusion. Here you lack both character development and plot.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

The Test Chapter 1 is an improvement. You have real characters, you have a plot, of sorts. But it still falls short. Per my previous post, a story is an introduction (which you did quite well, although your paragraphs are still too long) followed with an action...but there you just stopped. You began the action and just ended. Where did the plot move too? What is the conclusion? Each chapter has to be a story in it's own right.

So my assumption is the story picks up at the beginning of chapter 2. It doesn't. You lost me and about 2000 readers.

Sorry.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Captive Lust - Well... let's start at the beginning -



In the first sentence you switched from present tense to past (to find and stroked). In the second sentence you wrote - "...across your lips and your fingers played..." Did you mean "... as (or while) your fingers played..."? The fourth sentence is incorrectly punctuated. You have a series but you placed a comma after the word "arm" then followed with "and". The comma doesn't belong there. Sentence five is a run-on sentence.

Now sentences five and six are chopped up with the words "you" and "your". The just doesn't flow. Then in sentence seven, "Through the hair..."? That phrase shouldn't even be there since it's unnecessary.

Then you end with two elipsis - The first one correctly done, the second both wrong (THREE DOTS - NEVER MORE, NEVER FEWER) inappropriate.

Appearantly, the second paragraph is from "Dina's" POV. This is confusing. You need to tell the reader when you are switching POV. The elipsis at the end of paragraph one doesn't do that. If anything, you should have begun paragraph two with something like, "Dina thought, "I love it when..." That tells the reader you've made the switch.

This problem is exhasperated by the fact that you continuously us "I" as the first person POV rather than giving them names, personalities and character.

Generally, this piece is difficult at best to read. As Drk said, the paragraphs are too long - you should keep them to 6 to 8 sceen lines - and the tense and POV shifts just drove me nuts. The story would have been much more interesting if you had spent the effort to make the characters real with personalities. As it is, this is not a story at all, but flash fiction.

Next time, bring some life into the characters and give them a real story. As I've said many times in this forum a story is - An introduction, followed by an action that moves the story along to some conclusion. Here you lack both character development and plot.

I generally agree with Jenny here, especially about adding life to the characters--it makes all the difference in the world.

While you do switch around between past and present (and I don't think it accomplishes what you're going for), I have to disagree just one bit.

In the first sentence, "to find" and "stroked" work since "to find" is an infinitive, and the main verb in the sentence (awoke) is in the past like "stroked". Also, I think the problem in the second sentence is actually a missing comma (and perhaps the repetition). Why not try: "A naughty smile flickered (or anything other than 'played') across your lips, and your fingers played with my nipples."

I do see a lot of good ideas in there though.

 

[phillyinjun]

This is really good feedback! Thank you very much for taking the time to read and then put together a critique.

Looks like I need to get disciplined and rework the stories.

 

[CeriseNoire]

This is really good feedback! Thank you very much for taking the time to read and then put together a critique.

Looks like I need to get disciplined and rework the stories.

That's one of the best things about this place. People will let you know if you're getting lazy

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

That's one of the best things about this place. People will let you know if you're getting lazy

Damn, Cerise... You were even hot as a wee babe

 

[_Lynn_]

Captive Lust - Well... let's start at the beginning -



In the first sentence you switched from present tense to past (to find and stroked). In the second sentence you wrote - "...across your lips and your fingers played..." Did you mean "... as (or while) your fingers played..."? The fourth sentence is incorrectly punctuated. You have a series but you placed a comma after the word "arm" then followed with "and". The comma doesn't belong there. Sentence five is a run-on sentence.

Now sentences five and six are chopped up with the words "you" and "your". The just doesn't flow. Then in sentence seven, "Through the hair..."? That phrase shouldn't even be there since it's unnecessary.

Then you end with two elipsis - The first one correctly done, the second both wrong (THREE DOTS - NEVER MORE, NEVER FEWER) inappropriate.

Appearantly, the second paragraph is from "Dina's" POV. This is confusing. You need to tell the reader when you are switching POV. The elipsis at the end of paragraph one doesn't do that. If anything, you should have begun paragraph two with something like, "Dina thought, "I love it when..." That tells the reader you've made the switch.

This problem is exhasperated by the fact that you continuously us "I" as the first person POV rather than giving them names, personalities and character.

Generally, this piece is difficult at best to read. As Drk said, the paragraphs are too long - you should keep them to 6 to 8 sceen lines - and the tense and POV shifts just drove me nuts. The story would have been much more interesting if you had spent the effort to make the characters real with personalities. As it is, this is not a story at all, but flash fiction.

Next time, bring some life into the characters and give them a real story. As I've said many times in this forum a story is - An introduction, followed by an action that moves the story along to some conclusion. Here you lack both character development and plot.

I think Jenny gives great information here.

When your characters tell the story, it all flows so much smoother.

I saw red at the repitition of "I" right from the beginning.

This is just a few paragraphs of not well-written sex, or I missed the plot.

My opinion only. ML

 

[CeriseNoire]

Damn, Cerise... You were even hot as a wee babe

Flatterer! Are you trying to get in my pants?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Flatterer! Are you trying to get in my pants?

Uh huh

 

[CeriseNoire]

Uh huh

In that case, flattery will work just fine. However, since I was informed it's doubtful I've had experience associating with minorities, I may have trouble with your being a 'filthy, black, whore, slut' and all

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

In that case, flattery will work just fine. However, since I was informed it's doubtful I've had experience associating with minorities, I may have trouble with your being a 'filthy, black, whore, slut' and all

LMAO...That's my personal Troll's take on me. I think the term "Black Irish" means something completely different.

(In the true sense, Black Irish is what I am - It means Rogue )