Feedback?

[phillyinjun]

Please have a look at my stories and give me some pointers The first one (Captive Lust) was difficult and written to enhance ambiguity... let me know it works.

The Tales

Thanks!

Charlie

 

[_Lynn_]

Please have a look at my stories and give me some pointers The first one (Captive Lust) was difficult and written to enhance ambiguity... let me know it works.

The Tales

Thanks!

Charlie

You want us to give you feedback on every one of them??

 

[phillyinjun]

You want us to give you feedback on every one of them??

One or all..

I am really interested in the feedback to "captive".

Thanks!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Captive Lust

First, your title could have been chosen a lot better. It sounds like a really bad Harliquin Novel. Better it had been.

The story is confused because you switch POVs without telling the reader. You "elipisis" (an elipsis is alway 3, not 2, not 4 dots and only denotes an incomplete thought) is inappropriate and doesn't work at the end of paragraphs as you've done.

In the future pick one POV and stick with it. I don't really care what you were trying to do. It didn't work.

There are only two characters in the entire story. I cannot identify with either of them. They have no personality or life. This is a straght jack-off snippet that is completely missing a biginning and a conclusion. Plot? Where is it?

For the 87th time this week a story is - Characterizations, plot development and actions that move the story from a beginning to a logical conclusion. Think of it as a quest game. The knight (you) has to find the magic stone to open the locked box so he can get the scroll that opens the tomb to enter the cavern under the castle so he can slay the dragon so he can rescue the princess so he can retire to Florida and live out his days. It's not, I woke up in bed with this woman and fucked her. That bores me to tears.

Sorry.

Okay?

 

[_Lynn_]

Captive Lust

First, your title could have been chosen a lot better. It sounds like a really bad Harliquin Novel. Better it had been.

The story is confused because you switch POVs without telling the reader. You "elipisis" (an elipsis is alway 3, not 2, not 4 dots and only denotes an incomplete thought) is inappropriate and doesn't work at the end of paragraphs as you've done.

In the future pick one POV and stick with it. I don't really care what you were trying to do. It didn't work.

There are only two characters in the entire story. I cannot identify with either of them. They have no personality or life. This is a straght jack-off snippet that is completely missing a biginning and a conclusion. Plot? Where is it?

For the 87th time this week a story is - Characterizations, plot development and actions that move the story from a beginning to a logical conclusion. Think of it as a quest game. The knight (you) has to find the magic stone to open the locked box so he can get the scroll that opens the tomb to enter the cavern under the castle so he can slay the dragon so he can rescue the princess so he can retire to Florida and live out his days. It's not, I woke up in bed with this woman and fucked her. That bores me to tears.

Sorry.

Okay?

Jenny says it all. I have nothing to add.