Feedback

[the_bragis]

Hello,

I have just posted a new story.

Although it's submitted the bdm section, it's not exactly a wear the hairs of your knees kind of thing, so please don't be put off by the category.

This is the fourth in a series. I wrote this one for, and with help from, my other half. He has this fantasy about being tied up and used by many women. Let me tell you - it ain't never gonna happen, but it doesn't stop him dreaming.

Since it's not rating as well as the others, I am particularly interested in the following:

Are the grammar, punctuation, and spelling all ok? I have spotted a couple of typos since posting, and I am correcting them. Yes, it's careless I know, but not suffient to warrant poor scoring really. Believe me, this isn't the only story of my with typos.

If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have read to the end?

It's of course pure fantasy, however is it just too unbelievable?

Did you have a smile on your face when you had finished reading?

But most of all, why is it scoring so low?

I appreciate all commments and feedback on: Jack the Brothel Slave

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

the_bragis,

First of all, you know I love and think the world of you, right? Well please hold on to that thought because I'm afraid this isn't going to be a lot of fun.

I'll send you by PM the story complete with all the comments I've made. Don't hesitate to get in touch to cuss or discuss any of my feedback.

Rumple Foreskin

--

Are the grammar, punctuation, and spelling all ok?
RF: NO

I have spotted a couple of typos since posting, and I am correcting them. Yes, it's careless I know, but not suffient to warrant poor scoring really.
RF: UNFORTUNATELY, SOME VOTERS MAY DISAGREE.

Believe me, this isn't the only story of my with typos.
RF: WHY? RUNNING A SPELL CHECKER WOULD HAVE CAUGHT MANY OF THE TYPOS SUCH AS REVERSED LETTERS AND DOUBLE WORDS. TRUE, IT WOULDN'T HAVE CAUGHT THINGS SUCH AS "SUITE" FOR "SUIT" BUT IT WOULD HAVE HELPED.

If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have read to the end?
RF: NO

It's of course pure fantasy, however is it just too unbelievable? RF: I'M NOT REALLY INTO BDSM SO I WOULDN'T KNOW.

Did you have a smile on your face when you had finished reading?
RF: YES. IT WAS A CUTE ENDING.

But most of all, why is it scoring so low?
RF: REMEMBER, ALL OF THIS IS, IMHO.
1. For a Lit. story, it starts very slowly. It was page three (I'd cut & pasted it to MS Word) before he realizes what's happening to him and four before there's any grunting and groaning.
2. The sexual ending is anti-climactic. The last sex the reader is told about is the semi-blow job by Kittikins. This is strictly a WAG (wild ass guess) but if the story had ended with a big, juicy sex scene a Alex's place (wonder where you got that name ) or maybe a description of his wife, after turning the tables on him, forcing him to perform, the readers might have been happier.
3. During the opening, there is very little description of characters or setting. As the story goes on, you get better, but other than "pretty" we have no idea what Kittikins (great name) looks like. And while you do a good job of making it clear Jack is a complete ass, the reader is giving little in the way of description to help them form a mental image.
4. IMHO, the numerous typos, when combined with the other problems, hurt your score.

 

[Octavian]

Feedback as requested

BDSM is not my cup of tea, Alex, but as you say it was not the core of the story. And since you are always prepared to give feedback I will give you the dubious benefit of mine.

I liked the idea of the role reversal in that the man was available for the women who visited the brothel. I suspect that given Jack’s predilection for being dominated it was not such an ordeal for him.
Assuming the purpose of any story is to titillate the readers, referring to the first woman’s ‘stinking cunt’ is somewhat counterproductive. I found that a big turn off. There was a ‘credibility gap’ too, in that the next two clients (or more correctly the next three), would pay for his services, so to speak, and then not use him. As a result he (and the readers perhaps) are left in the air. I also wonder how Jack would explain to his wife the welts that were caused by the lash.

You may have meant to repeat the sentence ‘For once in his life, Jack wished he wasn’t so damned horny,’ because the second time it was prefaced with ‘Yes.’ But if that was the case, it might have been prudent to change the word order.
There are still a few typos, Alex, but nothing that significant. Most, if not all, could be picked up fairly easily. Perhaps you ought to get someone to cast their eyes over your next story before you submit it. (I will do it for you if you so wish.)

Overall it was an imaginative concept and may well appeal to the BDSM brigade.

Octavian

 

[the_bragis]

Thank you

Hello Rumple,

I'll send you by PM the story complete with all the comments I've made.

Thank you, and thank you for not airing all my stupid typos in this forum. My other half did edit my first attempt at this story, and he did offer to edit the final one, only I guess I just got too impatient and posted it anyway. I know he will roll his eyes when he reads this.

I don't feel it's really worth re-writing this story, although obviously I will correct the typos.

I think it's best to take your excellent comments and advice on board, and move on to something new.

Octavian,

Thank you for your gentle but contructive feedback.

Yes, I know bdsm isn't your thing, but you have still raised very good points.

Perhaps you ought to get someone to cast their eyes over your next story before you submit it.

I thought you would never offer. Thank you, I appreciate that very much. Although I wouldn't expect you to edit or read anything that wasn't your thing. I don't write all off-beat stuff like this. In fact I would really like to try to write something nice and romantic, so yes please, I will certainly take you up on that.

I respect both you and Rumple as people and first class authors, and I am happy to call you both my friends.

Thank you for your time and effort responding to this posting.

Have a great day now,

Alex.