Feedback?

[honeysucklerose]

Hello,

I posted a draft of this last week and thankfully got some suggestions on category.

I reworked the story just a little. I know it's not extremely erotic but I really don't want to change the content on this one.

I would be interested in hearing any critiques of the writing though.

Thank you.

 

[honeysucklerose]

oops

a link helps

The Unfinished Flight

 

[roland_baulk]

I liked it

I liked the story alot. Your right on it not being terribly erotic but there was still a lot of quality to it. Keep up the great work.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

One of the things that keeps this from being more erotic is the impersonal tone of the piece. You've got a problem in that the sex is no more than a memory for her, a fantasy, so that puts a lot of distance between the reader and the sex.

The story is basically about a girl masturbating on a plane. There are a few erotic approaches to this that come to mind: fear of being discovered, which is not apparently tyhe angle you wanted to exploit; the sensuality and feelings of the masturbation itself, which you give rather short shrift to; or the details of the sex scene that's stimulating her. It's the last that you chose to concentrate on, and I think you could have brought in more detail to make it more vivid. Maybe have her erlive the very feelings she'd had.

As far as your writing style, I did notice some wrong words. (I think you said that the taste of him was "welcomed on her tongue" whereas "welcome" would have worked as well and not made my eye trip.) And there's a few awkward sentences, but nothing major that I noticed.

The major problem, with the piece is the lack of resolution. We're left with her getting off the plane without even having made herself orgasm. It made me wondewr what she had to be so proud of at the end.

---dr.M.

 

[honeysucklerose]

Re: I liked it

I liked the story alot. Your right on it not being terribly erotic but there was still a lot of quality to it. Keep up the great work.

ty.

I have done more erotic things and will continue to keep writing.

 

[honeysucklerose]

One of the things that keeps this from being more erotic is the impersonal tone of the piece. You've got a problem in that the sex is no more than a memory for her, a fantasy, so that puts a lot of distance between the reader and the sex.

The story is basically about a girl masturbating on a plane. There are a few erotic approaches to this that come to mind: fear of being discovered, which is not apparently tyhe angle you wanted to exploit; the sensuality and feelings of the masturbation itself, which you give rather short shrift to; or the details of the sex scene that's stimulating her. It's the last that you chose to concentrate on, and I think you could have brought in more detail to make it more vivid. Maybe have her erlive the very feelings she'd had.

As far as your writing style, I did notice some wrong words. (I think you said that the taste of him was "welcomed on her tongue" whereas "welcome" would have worked as well and not made my eye trip.) And there's a few awkward sentences, but nothing major that I noticed.

The major problem, with the piece is the lack of resolution. We're left with her getting off the plane without even having made herself orgasm. It made me wondewr what she had to be so proud of at the end.

---dr.M.

I suppose more detail of the memories and the sensuality she was experiencing during the flight would have been the way to go though I wasn't really going for a pure sex piece.

I get the point about "welcomed." That was an oops. Someone had mentioned it to me before and I missed it. I'll have to re-read to catch the awkward sentences more carefully next time.

I do have to chuckle. If there had been resolution then it would not have been "unfinished." I wish I'd have done a better job illustrating the change in her feelings from self-conscious and embarassed to proud of erotic and sensual though.

 

[geraldf]

I really enjoyed your story. It remimded me of those times when I would have liked to gratify myself but couldn't because it wasn't convenient. And whether it was extremely erotic or not, your story still made me aroused; if that's a litmus test for a good erotic story, then this one passed. There was no reason for your heroine not to feel a sort of sense of pride, she was feeling proud of herself for being a woman. Anyway, thanks for the good read.

geraldf

 

[honeysucklerose]

I really enjoyed your story. It remimded me of those times when I would have liked to gratify myself but couldn't because it wasn't convenient. And whether it was extremely erotic or not, your story still made me aroused; if that's a litmus test for a good erotic story, then this one passed. There was no reason for your heroine not to feel a sort of sense of pride, she was feeling proud of herself for being a woman. Anyway, thanks for the good read.

geraldf

Your welcome