hot thunder
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2003
- Posts
- 2
Hi all....not getting any feed back from my stories...if you like them let me know..if you don't then let me know as well...ty
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- Thread starter hot thunder
- Start date
PAUL C
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2001
- Posts
- 413
link to stories
you may find that putting the link to your stories might help.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=188127
you may find that putting the link to your stories might help.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=188127
hiddenself
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2002
- Posts
- 452
A Little Taste of Paradise
I read your "A Little Taste of Paradise." I found it ok but not particularly compelling. Nice simple love scene but the beach, fireplace, and all that is pretty trite stuff. Why is this different from a million other writeups of exactly the same story?
The emotional content can be quite genuine and powerful. However, a story has to go beyond life to capture the reader. Writing simply "I was in love" does not a powerful story make in and of itself, no matter how powerful the actual emotions may be. So, you need either some twist (special detail, complication, emotional conflict) and/or good writing to offset the lack of originality of the scene. There was no such special twist. And the writing was awkward at times and with a bunch of spelling and grammatical errors. Some examples below.
"I helped Jack take the bags and supplies in that we would need for the next week."
This sounds funny and would be much better if you moved the preposition before the object:
"I helped Jack take in the bags and supplies that we would need for the next week."
"dinning room" should be "dining room."
"had lite" should be "had lit."
"I place a soft kiss on his lips. Looking into his eyes I can see the passion he felt. “I love you baby.” I whisper."
Here you have a no-no of tense switch. The story is written in the past tense but at the end you switch to present tense.
"We layed ..."
Common mistake. It should be "We lay" -- the past tense of the intransitive verb to lie. Example: I lay on the bed.
Laid (not layed) is the past tense of the transitive verb to lay. Example: I laid the book on the table.
hs
I read your "A Little Taste of Paradise." I found it ok but not particularly compelling. Nice simple love scene but the beach, fireplace, and all that is pretty trite stuff. Why is this different from a million other writeups of exactly the same story?
The emotional content can be quite genuine and powerful. However, a story has to go beyond life to capture the reader. Writing simply "I was in love" does not a powerful story make in and of itself, no matter how powerful the actual emotions may be. So, you need either some twist (special detail, complication, emotional conflict) and/or good writing to offset the lack of originality of the scene. There was no such special twist. And the writing was awkward at times and with a bunch of spelling and grammatical errors. Some examples below.
"I helped Jack take the bags and supplies in that we would need for the next week."
This sounds funny and would be much better if you moved the preposition before the object:
"I helped Jack take in the bags and supplies that we would need for the next week."
"dinning room" should be "dining room."
"had lite" should be "had lit."
"I place a soft kiss on his lips. Looking into his eyes I can see the passion he felt. “I love you baby.” I whisper."
Here you have a no-no of tense switch. The story is written in the past tense but at the end you switch to present tense.
"We layed ..."
Common mistake. It should be "We lay" -- the past tense of the intransitive verb to lie. Example: I lay on the bed.
Laid (not layed) is the past tense of the transitive verb to lay. Example: I laid the book on the table.
hs
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