Feedback would be once again welcomed

[JohnBous]

Hi everyone,

Firstly a big thank you to everyone who provided me with feedback for my first posting - all comments were appreciated and, I hope, have been acted upon.

The encouragement I received has prompted me to put pen to paper (or at least, fingers to keyboard) once again, and I have posted two new stories. These are departures from the earlier effort and I have experimented with first-person narratives this time.

I have classified Lady Jane as a romance, and although it is undoubtedly a love story, it contains erotic elements and a taste of the supernatural. My narrator, James Barclay, tells the story of Jana Safina and the two accidents which shaped their lives.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=372325

Confession is a more conventional voyeur/exhibitionist tale, this time told from a female narrator's perspective.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=372349

As before, I would be very appreciative of any and all feedback, and I hope you enjoy these stories.

John

 

[bwallard]

I really, I mean really, love your voice, but I slipped away first with the explanation of the apartment layout. I have the same problem with spatial relations, and think it's probably ok to let the frantic reader not care about it exactly.

I do find you go on a bit. I'm not the best bet for a critic probably, but for me you make too much of what you've already made enough of. Move quickly through the material and leave us wanting more.

Very tasty stuff, but I'm thinking bonbons are finger food. As delicious as they are - congratulations - we really don't want a bowl full.

 

[litchipking]

Writers, you need to check out this story

Okay, I told you I would find the time to read your other stories and I did. Good stories both, but unfortunately not ones I will remember tomorrow.

Lady, however, is enchanting. Let me make it clear that it is not the supernatural element of the tale that has me fawning so. As a matter of fact, I could quite do without the mystical twist you’ve woven into the story. It is the tone and pace of the narration that has me so captivated.

I am even more impressed with Lady Jane after having read Confession. Though also written in the first-person, the second story lacks the richness and pacing of Lady. That is not so much a criticism of Confession as it is praise for Lady Jane. In this story I feel you have truly found your voice.

The conversational and sometimes conspiratorial tone of your narrator drew me into the story immediately. You handled the slow build up of the love affair quite well. The unrequited affections of your protagonist could easily become tiresome but the mystery behind her rejections keeps the tension steady and the reader intrigued.

I will admit that even though you had prefaced your story by saying it contained “a taste of the supernatural” I was, nonetheless, slightly disappointed with the Rasputin spin. Not that you didn’t handle that well or that it detracted so much that I no longer loved your story, but I guess I would have preferred a more conventional explanation for her continued rebuffs of his proposals. Just a personal preference and perhaps I am alone in this feeling.

I’m not sure this rambling qualifies as a critique. Reading back it seems I more or less drooled all over your pages. You should know, however, that I can be critical and have been so often on these boards and in private correspondence. The fact that this beautiful story has escaped unscathed does not mean that your next will be so fortunate. As I mentioned in my PM, with Lady Jane you have set the bar pretty high.

Chip

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi John and congratulations on two great stories.

Despite hiding behind his own shadow, I think litchip has you banged to rights. The decades later narrator style of Lady Jane works well, but the same narrator technique in Confession jars a bit. That's not a dig at first person per se, just a view on how you approach a narrator/ first person issue.

I think Confession would have worked better - still sticking to first person - if you had kept the same balance throughout. Glynnis's instropection suddenly becomes a one-on-one conversation, which is a bit of a jump. Also, a fault of mine so I spot it , you dally too long on the intro before getting the story momentum going.

I have a few probs with Lady Jane. Using the title makes us think she's an English aristocrat. Then she turns out to be a White Russian with swirling, metaphysical connections with Rasputin. It can make sense but you don't lead us stupid readers to understand the character of Jana. The love is totally different to us blind readers until you develop her character but still comes as a shock.

Overall, I think you have the talent to be one of the best writers here. You do need an editor because you have a tendency to let your introductions drag on a bit and miss a bit of nuance.

Way above average, I enjoyed reading you.

Elle

 

[JohnBous]

Thanks

Hi again,

I'd just like to offer a very public thank you to those of you who were kind enough to provide me with feedback, and, of course, to those who read my stories and voted.

The feedback has been extremely helpful, as well as very encouraging, and I hope that this will be reflected in my future posts.

John

 

[GeorgieH]

Very impressed

As a newcomer to the site I was beginning to think that all of the writing here simply represented the wish-fulfilment imaginings of the authors. There's some nice writing and one or two nice, orginal story ideas, but the two seem to be rarely presented in the same tale.

With Lady Jane I was delighted to find both high-quality writing and a lovely story, all rolled up into one charming package. This certainly stirred my emotions and held me captivated until the end. Definitely a 5-star story. I found Confession similarly well-written although in a different way and it has an odd intensity to it which I thoroughly enjoyed. I feel that it would be wrong to criticise at one level but there again it might help improve what is already great writing. So the only point I would make is with the ending of Confession which seemed a little easy if that's the right word and I think that maybe I would have liked it even more if it turned out to be a one-off episode.

Anyway you have a new fan and I really look forward to your next story.

Georgie