Feedback would be appreciated

[Lucien_Al]

Hi There,

I have written 10 stories and the biggest suprises I have had are firstly the lack of feedback and secondly the feedback I have received has been from the stories that I felt were a little "thin". I tend to write my stories in the way that I find I like to read others stories and tend to pay particular attention to spelling and grammar.

I would be interested in feedback from other writers as I sometimes feel that a lot of readers do not fully appreciate the amount of time and effort some of the posted stories take and therefor can't be bothered to even vote.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2647

Lucien_al

 

[SexyChele]

Well, I don't really have the time to read all 10 stories. Can you pick maybe 2 or 3 that you might have special concerns about? Or that you think are good examples of what you are asking for?

I'd be happy to read one or two and give feedback. A little direction would be appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[the_bragis]

Hi Lucien_Al,

Firstly, don't worry we all suffer from feedback depravation around here.

I am not sure what you mean by 'thin'? The story I chose to read is "The Panty Story". The story idea was good, however, I thought there was room a few changes here and there.


"It turned out that her boyfriend was away doing some contract work and he was the very jealous type. He had called earlier and given her a hard time, accusing her of sleeping around while he was away. She was really upset and told me that she had never cheated on him but after his call she felt she just needed to get out and talk to someone and have a few drinks."

Could perhaps be:

"Her jealous boyfriend was away doing some contract work. He had called earlier, giving her a hard time, accusing her of sleeping around while he was away. She was really upset "I have never cheated on that bastard!" she sobbed. Now, after his call she felt she just needed to get out, talk to someone and have a few drinks."

I would subsituted fucking for sleeping, but then I'm a sick little bunny, I just love reading that raw kind of wording.

"I was trying pretty hard to look down her blouse, but her very conservative bra safely covered them."

I loved this, it's a tease!

"I soon became apparent that although we both had good sex we were always on the lookout for a little more"

Ok, I'm going to probably get slammed for this, but here I would have preferred something like:

"It soon became apparent although we both got good sex..we wanted more ...more hard and hot fucking. Too stong? Ok...maybe it is better left how it is. Oh and you said I instead of it, I noticed that in the second paragraph too.

"My cock was already hard at the thought of trying to progress this one further"

Men you gotta love them!! I think virtually every hetro man could relate to this one! ~little chuckle~

"When we got to her place I was very pleasantly surprised by her apartment, which was in one of the more expensive areas of town and was really plush."

I thought this sentence was just too long. How about:

"It was very pleasantly surprised by her appartment. It was plush, and in one of the more expensive areas of town." ?

I thought the ending was great. It kind of gives the reader the feeling it really did happen.

Or did it?

It did!

Oh you horny dog you!

Have a great day.

Alex (f)