Feedback welcome

[davet1]

Hey folks, thanks for taking a moment to open this thread.

My username is Davet1 and I've been a member of Literotica for a couple of years and a reader before that, and now I've finally got around to submitting something. My first attempt at erotic fiction died on the table, so to speak, but recently I've come up with something that seems to be working.

So far I've written 4 parts (a 5th is pending) in something of a frenzy of activity The story is collectively called Digital Spy, and concerns a too-clever-for-his-own-good surveillance expert who hooks up with a beautiful divorced woman and her daughter. The story has turned out rather differently than I expected, and I'm interested to know what people think.

Part 1 - http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=217120 - Incest/Taboo , though really it's more Exhibitionist & Voyeur (the taboo part is because of a short scene at the end)

Part 2 - http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=217650 - Exhibitionist & Voyeur

Part 3 - http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=218188 - Exhibitionist & Voyeur

Part 4 - http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=218533 - Incest/Taboo

You can be kind, you can be brutal, I'll just be glad you looked

 

[davet1]

Well, I guess it had to happen. The most recent chapter prompted some (anonymous, naturally) email feedback along the lines of I'm sick and I should seek professional help. I feel like I've turned a corner

Of course I won't be truly happy until somebody tells me I need to accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, but it's still early days!

 

[CopyCarver]

Well, I guess it had to happen. The most recent chapter prompted some (anonymous, naturally) email feedback along the lines of I'm sick and I should seek professional help. I feel like I've turned a corner

Of course I won't be truly happy until somebody tells me I need to accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, but it's still early days!

Dave,

Jesus is tied up at the moment, but I'm sure that the Rev Jerry Foulball and the remnants of the Moral Maggotry will be happy to sell you salvation--they're having a 25% off sale this week.

Seriously, I'll be happy to take a look at your work as soon as my 9-to-5 stops being a 9-to-death. A break in the workload (or death) should arrive by the end of this week.

 

[sxylilslut]

OK I didn't read the previous chapters, I just read chapter 8 and I guess I should have read the 7 previous ones. But what I did read was highly entertaining. I loved how Julia toyed with poor pathetic (from what I know of him) Giles.
"breasts jiggling under their matching low-cut jacket. ". Cute.
Again, I didn't read the previous chapters but I liked that one; felt like a scene in a porno with a thought out story.

 

[davet1]

CopyCarver:

sxylilslut: Thanks, I never thought about the porno thing before but I see what you mean.

Is that you in your icon? You look a lot like how I imagine the daughter in the story does, from that angle anyway

 

[CopyCarver]

re: Digital Spy

PM coming
(Oops--forgot I'm required to spell it cumming hereabouts)

 

[davet1]

Finally got the next chapter up - despite real life getting in the way of writing for a month!

Digital Spy chapter 9

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Needs trimmed

I skimmed through the first part and some of the fourth. You can write heat, that's for sure, but you need to trim this story. If you tighten it up, it will be much better. You could eliminate most of the beginning paragraphs from Part 1. I would start the story with him arriving at Julia's place to begin his new job. Every line in your story needs to do one of two things: reveal character or advance the action.

 

[davet1]

Thanks for the feedback - I do have a tendency to be over-descriptive, though I think it's improving a little.

 

[davet1]

After a four-month gap (don't ask - work went ) the latest chapter of Digital Spy is finally done!

Digital Spy chapter 11

Tell me what you think!