Feedback wanted!

[renthead29]

This is the first story i wrote for Lit, i've got another waiting to be approved, and another in the works. Just wanted to know what people thought of this one

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=432425

Thanks!

~Renthead29

 

[Dragonstaff]

Nice.

Having real characters always helps, but a bit more background on his previous relationship with her would be good. I made the assumption that she was the ever-present girl next door, the one he has grown up with and known forever, but never noticed her become a woman. Am I right?

 

[_Lynn_]

1. A bit tough for me to get into this one since "I" am not male, or eighteen.

2. There are punctuation errors throughout. Write out the numbers.

That meant that 3 others came and went before me. 3 others who apparently had "done it all."

. . . had "done it all". The phrase is part of the sentence, and the quotation mark goes inside the period.

3. Bra sizes are a huge turn-off. Describe them instead.

4. Keep paragraphs between eight to ten lines max for easier reading on the computer screen. You have one with seventeen.

5. To lose the constant word repetition, go to the Thesaurus and find alternates. Duplication makes scenes/stories boring.

However, when I'd soon had enough, I pulled myself from her mouth and grabbed her chin, pulling her back up to me for another deep kiss. My hands slid up her sides, feeling her soft skin before reaching her glorious tits. My left hand reached around, pulling her closer to my body, my right palmed her breast before squeezing and pulling at her nipple.

6. Keep dialogue in a separate paragraph so it isn't lost with all the narrative.

When it was all done, I collapsed. I aimed for the bed, but I ended up on the floor leaning against it. I was breathing hard, tired, spent. She slid down, sitting next to me, looking as tired and spent, but as satisfied as I felt.

As I looked at her, my cum still slowly dripping from her face onto her tits, I swallowed and asked, "So, do you want to go out sometime?"

7. The premise is cute. Not a bad first attempt. A good editor would catch the errors for you.


Just my opinion.