Feedback wanted

[cleanshavedguy]

Hi guys and gals of Lit, please can you give me some pointers and feedback on my first story attempt?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=286322

Let me know what you think.

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

2nd person...blech.

Personally, I can't read 2nd person. In first person, I know what I think. In 3rd, I know what he and she think. How can I know what you think? And several errors (bob v Bob). And unworkable speech "You will now pay, or should that be your ASS will now pay for that lack of control". Could you actually say that? How about "You're gonna pay now, or should I say your ass is gonna pay."

Not very helpful, sorry.

 

[lance gt]

I agree with stuffed, The second person telling throws the story off. The reader has to decide who are you actually talking to. Again grammatical errors and spelling mistakes we all make. The story itself isn't that bad, mostly how's it told. Third person telling would be an easier way for you to write. Give some thought to checking out the helpful hints posts and ask for an editor, one who's willing to give you pointers. Just be prepared to leave any ego you have at the door and don't argue with them. Remember, if you ask for help, you have to be prepared to accept any and all criticism. Hope that helps. Lance

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Congradulations. I've never seen anyone use you, your, you've six times in the very first sentence of a story. This must a new record.

And yeah. The story seems pretty contrived done in this POV. You would have done better in 3rd.

But the most glaring thing I see about this story is total lack of build up and character development. You go in one sentence from drinking wine to fingering your pussy to being dominated by Rich. That said, this is less an interesting story than a wank piece. There is a place for wank stories, but nieiher the story or the writer have any lasting impression on the reader.

Try a little harder to give the reader something to get his teeth into rather than his hand.