Feedback wanted

[perkie88]

Hello all,
I am new to writing erotica. I have posted one story ( A Threesome to Remeber) in the group section.

I welcome all coments on my first story!

Here is the link to my story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=294125

 

[mjl2010]

Hi Perkie, welcome to lit.

Ok I went and read your story. The "story" is good. There's a few problems I could point out. Realize please this is constructive criticism from my point of view. You asked for it, here it is.

First and foremost: You need to grab your readers attention and hold it throughout the story. The most important thing here is to lead them into the story and then keep them in. When it gets hard to read because of grammer or spelling errors, people lose interest quick.

There are some definite flow problems in your writing of this account.

After arriving at your apartment, you go to put something more comfortable on, but you never say what until your gown is removed. In your story, this sort of thing happens quite a bit. I think you could spend a little more time filling out the story.

In paragraph six, the men are on the couch. How did we ever get into the bedroom which is where we are in paragraph nine without ever getting up and moving. Then in the next paragraph, one of them grabs you and turns you over. Not possible when you're tied up spread eagle like that.

Getting a full salute from a mans cock just doesn't sound right. Maybe it's just me.

I think you could use an editor or at least someone to proofread for you. There are instances where your verb tense/word usage is wrong.

Example: "I turned around and lie on my back to see both men."

You lay on your back.
You laid down.
You were laying down.
You were lying to me.
You lie to your mother.
You lied to your lover.

Other things that are problematic.

Example: "After about an hour, I decided I better leave. When in walks the most gorgeous man I have ever seen."

The really experienced folks here can tell you the actual rules being broken here. It's been about thirty years since I disected a sentence.

Try it like this: "After about an hour I decided I was going to leave when in walked the most gorgeous man I had ever seen."

Or this: "After about an hour I decided I better leave. At that moment the most gorgeous man I had ever seen walked in the door.

I won't claim to be an expert on parts of speech or rules for writing. I'm fairly new here myself. I'd suggest trying to fill in your stories a little more and watch those tricky words (lie, lay, laid, lying, etc.)

I prefer writing in first person. However a lot of people here are telling me to at least try third person. You might want to consider that.

Ok so now that I added my comments, someone else can rip me to pieces for my stumbling around here.

Just out of curiosity Perkie, how does anonymous in USA know you have more stories to come?

Keep writing Perkie.

MJL

 

[perkie88]

Hey mjl2010,

Thank you for your comments. I will try to make some changes in my next story. I really appriciate you taking the time to tell me.


anonymous in USA is my brother-in-law

Thanks again,
perkie88