Feedback wanted please

[FizzledSub]

I'm a fairly new writer and after reading the constructive criticism here, I'm taking the plunge and asking for your opinions. Please be gentle, but I would love to hear good and bad honest opinions. I know I have a lot of work to do with my writing style, but I'm not sure where to begin or what I really need to be focusing on. Can you give me some pointers please?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=445820

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I don't do the BDSM thing at all, here, real life or even read it. But here goes.

You could have used an editor on this. There are two kinds of errors.

Grammatical Errors. For instance -

As she enters the room I grab her around the waist and pull her firm, naked body against me.

This is a series. Each element in a series is separated with a comma except the last which uses a conjuction. Like "Bill sat, fidgeted, jacked off and came"

This is another kind of error -

I flick my wrist and the whip collides with her pussy.

There are two things wrong here. I don't believe you mean WHIP, you mean FLOGGER. A whip cuts and you are beating her pussy. Second the whip COLLIDES? Cars collide. Airplanes collide. A whip/flogger lands or something. This is a word choice problem.

Both of these kinds of errors you have throughout. Not very serious really. But there is one thing that seems to me to be serious. The premis of the piece is the sub takes over and punishes the mistress. Can that be right? There really is no such thing as a switch, especially after 10 years. I find this a little unsettling.

Over all you did pretty well for an earl effort, so don't give up.

I would have liked this story to go a litt farther. The mistress seems to submit a bit too easily. It's like her libido overtakes her rage or something. I find this a bit unbelievable.

And I really don't connect with either the sub or the mistress. They are more like cartoons than real people. You need to take more time and give your characters life.

But, All in all, not a bad start.

J Jackson, Crumudgen

 

[elfin_odalisque]

J Jackson, Crumudgen

Curmudgeon, sweetie, and that's much too complimentary.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I am not a great fan but I read BDSM stories. I just think you've broken every rule in the book. Just like lesbians are never going to become 'straight' (despite the wishes of certain males), submissives don't endure a decade of humiliation to suddenly appear as dominants.

Yes, you need a good edit, but from my very limited knowledge, you have no idea of the mutual power exchange involved and your story lacks credibility.

 

[FizzledSub]

Thank you both! I can see exactly what you mean Jenny, especially with the lack of correct wording. I will definately be putting more thought to that in the future.

I appreciate you taking the time to look it over and criticize fairly, I'm new and learning and this helps alot.

Elfin, you may be correct that I don't fully understand the dynamics of this type of relationship, but I'm still learning. Perhaps I need to research it a bit further.
Thank you both for taking the time to look it over. It is much appreciated.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Fizzled

Thanks for the nice reply.

From what you wrote you may need to look at Non-Consent. BDSM is a bit too arcane for me.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

This is a great place to learn the art of writing, Fizzled. Both Elf and I are here a lot and see just about ever thing along the scale from Horrid to Terrific.

You're writing skills are much farther toward the Terrific than the Horrid. However, schools, even universities, teach you how to write newpaper copy, not fiction. Fiction is a bit of a different cat. It is something that must be learned to do well. We all went through it.

If you need help you can alway pm me. I think you will make it as a writer here.

 

[FizzledSub]

Just wanted to say thanks again to both of you! I've been rolling your comments around in my head all day and you've both actually given me some great ideas on how to tie this together in a way to *hopefully* make it a bit more realistic.

Unfortunately, I've already submitted chapter 2, but I do believe you both may have given the story a whole new direction.
I was nervous to even ask for help, but you both have been very nice and the criticism has been very constructive. I really do appreciate it.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Just wanted to say thanks again to both of you! I've been rolling your comments around in my head all day and you've both actually given me some great ideas on how to tie this together in a way to *hopefully* make it a bit more realistic.

Unfortunately, I've already submitted chapter 2, but I do believe you both may have given the story a whole new direction.
I was nervous to even ask for help, but you both have been very nice and the criticism has been very constructive. I really do appreciate it.

I haven't got the schedule to be able to be an editor, but on the forum there are great talents. Try them.

I agree with Jenny (she pays me), your writing is very promising but, on reflection, I think you skimp on research.

If you choose to write in BDSM, which I'm sure is not your lifestyle, you must read at least some of the toplist and be a voyeur on the BDSM forum here to get a feel of the genre.