Feedback Wanted, Please!

[SpiceCake]

One of the reasons I came to this site was because of the writing - short stories and poetry. I write both but have not submitted anything. Here is one of my poems. Please tell what you think and if you think I should submit.

Thanks so much!

IT’S A HAPPY NEW YEAR

Drunk in his chair night after night
Silent and watching television
Poor Dad! He drinks to drown the
Silence of his failing hearing.
Poor Dad! He drinks to forget that
His own father beat him with
A garden hose as a child.
He sits in his chair adrift in
The golden sea while the smoke
From his cigarette floats around
His neck like a noose
Slowly choking the life from us all.

LKW

 

[katelync]

I think it is beautiful...and to the point. I think you did a good job. Keep up the good work

 

[Jim_Henson]

It works simply to me, noone ever looks at my poetry. I dont submit for anyone else either, sometimes things just need submitting for the sake of it.

Do submit

Re the poem... not bad.

 

[curious2c]

put a picture into my head, it did. A good sign of good work. Submit it by all means.

 

[Guest]

Yea, what delicious ass... No, I mean katylync said.

BTW, there is a poetry forum a few doors down.

 

[katelync]

Yea, what delicious ass... No, I mean katylync said.

Am I distracting you ?

 

[kotori]

my only critique is that it's both sympathetic (to the drinking) and critical (of the smoking). with a subject as big as "DAD" maybe both these emotions don't have to be in the same poem. or maybe they do, maybe there is never the one without the other. if that's the case, maybe some more examples would be better. it seems like the "critical" part is a capricious afterthought. having said all that, i thougth it was tender and provocative, and handled nicely.

 

[SpiceCake]

my only critique is that it's both sympathetic (to the drinking) and critical (of the smoking). with a subject as big as "DAD" maybe both these emotions don't have to be in the same poem. or maybe they do, maybe there is never the one without the other. if that's the case, maybe some more examples would be better. it seems like the "critical" part is a capricious afterthought. having said all that, i thougth it was tender and provocative, and handled nicely.

Thank you so much! Could you tell me how to post a poem?