Feedback wanted on my first story!

[Lovepotion69]

Hi everyone,
Ok, I am dreading this but here goes. My first story (heck, it's the first time I've actually finished one period)is up and I'd be interested to hear what you have to say.

December Rendezvous

Thanks for taking the time!
/LP

 

[sirhugs]

Generally loved the story, voted 5 already, so these are mere quibbles.

The left hand

Whose left hand?

Claire had only rounded the corner before her phone went off.

" when her phone went off" ?

I also found this a confusing spot for your narrative to begin, when you already had a teaser opening. A more conventional setting of the scene would have worked better, or star with the dialogue:

"Hello?", Claire said, confused. She had just rounded the corner ...."

He was tall ....and wore a permanent smile ...

the and seemed oddly placed here, but I'm not 100% sure why. Perhaps the sentence is too long, or trhe repititive comment about the smile that followed added redundancy.

The sturdy bouncer looked them up

Having had Claire refer to " we" earlier, mentioning who Diane is here would be clearer. I wondered if the 'they' included Jake.

maybe because I got swept up in the tension, but from that point on , just a bit of lax grammar, nothing serious.

If this is your first story, hats off to you!

 

[honeysucklerose]

I found the first paragraph a little awkward and a couple of either typos or misplaced words that I think a re-read would have picked up. Maybe an extra comma or two but that's probably being picky on my part.

I liked the little tease in the beginning before setting up the story and that you gave both of their pov's. I don't think that's easy to do.

Since there are no 4.5s I voted a 5.

 

[SlaveMasterUK]

Very good LP,

(so as not to bias my review, I have not read the other replies yet so apologies if I repeat what others have said)

I did enjoy this one, altho it's not my usual scene. Keep it up and I'll look forward to the next one

If I have to be really picky (and I mean really picky), there are a few points I could raise:

The sentence "they both laughed" could perhaps have been a little more descriptive. Generally unless it's in dialogue, I wouldn't use a 3-word sentence. Perhaps something like-

Claire laughed at Jake's speech, realising he was doing the same.

Actually no, goddamit, that was awful. But I'm sure there's a sentence there somewhere that will work.

She let him lead her up the escalator by her hand gently to the cinema complex nearby.

Personally I would have used

She let him lead her gently by her hand up the escalator to the cinema complex nearby.

it just seems to flow a bit smoother. As this is the only sentence that stood out to me in this way, I think you've done well (I can be very picky about smoothness)

Quite often in the story you switch perspective between Claire and Jake. While this doesn't affect the overall heat of the story, I feel it can alienate the reader by giving them the power to read into all of the characters at the same time. Where I have written around a small number of characters I tend to stick with one character's perspective, drawing the reader into that one character.

i.e. the story will be full of "Dave considered Rachel's words for a moment, wondering whether she really meant them" and "Dave felt fear competing with the arousal in him" where I am writing from Dave's perspective. If I was writing from another character's perspective I would write "Dave looked back at Rachel for a moment, his face blank. She decided he was probably wondering if she really meant what she had just said." or "The sat of Dave's face and his tense shoulders indicated he was as afraid as he was aroused." Just a suggestion tho, would be nice to know what others think.

That aside tho, the sex was quick but hot, and had a pleasant, if swift end. It's a story that hints of more action to come, which is far better than exhausting every bit of sexuality in the story and giving the reader nothing to consider afterwards.

top story tho, well done!

ax