Feedback wanted for my phone story

[Flashlight7.5]

I'm hoping for some feedback on my newest story, which is inspired by a true phone conversation I was told about by someone here in my home town. I've embellished the details, but I won't reveal how much of the call is true.

The story is mostly dialogue, so I'm interested to read what people think of it.

Thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=335852

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Writing was okay, but the believability was real low. The problem with this story is there is no buildup of the setting at all. Your first few lines -

"Are you open minded?"

It was a woman's voice, husky and laced with hot breath.

"Excuse me?" Stephanie asked.

Are they on the phone? Face to face? Do they even know each other? You've left the reader standing on a cloud someplace while you weave this story that goes right over his head, screaming, "What the fuck?"

Okay, you did good. You actually used dialogue. Congrats. But who the fuck are these people? Your dialogue tells the story, but it doesn't give us any insight into the characters themselves. You need to let the reader in on that so he can empathize with your character and story.

Just my take.

 

[petemgurk]

Well, I've read your story, and learned within the first few lines of dialogue that it was a phone call, so no mystery there. I like how the dialogue carries the story. It was pretty well-done, an exciting, albeit short read.

With a vignette like this, character development is unimportant - let the reader decide who they are, far as I'm concerned.

Only thing is...how did this mystery woman know Stephanie's home number?

HMMMMMM.....

 

[sr71plt]

Uh, oh. Disagreement time. I think that is a great opening to a story. I'm just commenting on the opening provided by JJ--I have no idea where it develops from there. Throwing the reader into the middle of a conversation with no background given and then working from confusion to eventual understanding is a classic opening for a short story--just about the best as far as I'm concerned. Having the reader start off in a "What the fuck?" mode is longstanding, proven, gold-plated reader attention-grabbing technique going back to the granddaddy of short story writers, Ed Poe.

 

[sr71plt]

I'm hoping for some feedback on my newest story, which is inspired by a true phone conversation I was told about by someone here in my home town. I've embellished the details, but I won't reveal how much of the call is true.

The story is mostly dialogue, so I'm interested to read what people think of it.

Thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=335852

I thought the story was quite good. Well written and held my attention well. I did wonder how it could end well, but it did. I didn't see anything that needed improving. Good job.

It does lead to the supposition that it had to be someone she knew (reaching her at the second number). But there's nothing wrong in having the reader spinning off on that supposition--and wondering. Sets it up for sequel if you wanted to spin farther down that spiral.

 

[Urguycliff]

Good story

Very good. Like to see a second chapter with the new phone call. As far as how she got the home number you can explain that in the second part as her calling the work place and finding out her name and then calling information. Or she could be someone that knows her in a small way and knows what she looks like etc. I like the way you have them talking back and forth in realistic fashion. Reminds me of a call I got once. Ummmmm.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Come in late, leave early

Thanks for the critiques, everyone. One of my writing rules is "Come into a scene late, and get out early" (which, I think, is actually one of Raymond Chandler's rules). Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. put it another way: "Start as close to the end as possible."

So, I love throwing my readers into the middle and letting them catch up. I also didn't put in any descriptions because there was no point in a story like this. I feel a lot of writers spend far too much time describing someone down to the last detail. I describe some of my characters, sure, but only if the description naturally flows into the story and doesn't seem forced. It's often better, in my opinion, to let the reader form their own images of the characters.

As for how the mystery woman got Stephanie's phone number, I'll leave it a mystery. I hadn't considered a sequel to this story, but now I just may.

flash

 

[Scarlet Dawna]

I thought it was interesting and *different*. I like the fact that the woman in the car remained a mystery. It wasn't incredibly believable, but it was entertaining and you added just the right touch of twisted humor. Thanks for sharing it here.

~Scarlet Dawna~

 

[petemgurk]

(The 3rd is Ed McBain)

Thanks for the critiques, everyone. One of my writing rules is "Come into a scene late, and get out early" (which, I think, is actually one of Raymond Chandler's rules). Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. put it another way: "Start as close to the end as possible."

flash

Flash, you just quoted TWO of my THREE favorite authors! Now I know you're awesome. Dood!

Pete M'Gurk

 

[Guest]

I'm hoping for some feedback on my newest story, which is inspired by a true phone conversation I was told about by someone here in my home town. I've embellished the details, but I won't reveal how much of the call is true.

The story is mostly dialogue, so I'm interested to read what people think of it.

Thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=335852

I like!

It doesn't need a sequel.

It's a quick and sexy read.

Well done!

 

[sr71plt]

I agree that it doesn't need a sequel--and when readers ask for a sequel for a story, that's usually a good place to stop. It's a clear signal of good, engaging writing.

Having said that, this one points to where the writing and reading experiences can really get interesting for all concerned (which is why I introduced the possibility of a sequel). Taking what looks like a loose thread from a story and standing the whole story on its head, using that thread, in a followup story--not necessarily a sequel but something that harkens back to the earlier one. If it can change the perception of something in the earlier story--even though the earlier story stood very well on its own--that can give writer and reader alike a thrill and can, for the writer, make the writing of the next story much more interesting than the first. It's the sort of thing that Gregory Magurie does in his fractured fairytale books.

I thought of this when seeing the thread on this story, because it sets itself up on the sort of thing I'd try to do after, as here, being told the story wasn't believable and that there was an unanswered question in the first story. I'd take the assignment of making the first one believable in a followup story--preferrably in a way the reader would never have imagined, while staying within the structure the first story provided--and I'd make the "unanswered question" central to both stories.

I tried something like this with my serialized novel here, Death on the Rhine. When a correspondent anticipated the end of the story before it posted, I started tacking on chapters that spun the whole thing around. In this case, three more times. However it worked out for the readers, it was a very interesting exercise for me, the writer.