Feedback wanted for "In The White Room"

Would it be mean to say that you've written a whole lot better stuff?

My specific critcisms:

Bad poetry from the start "The water from the Atlantic sparkled in the navy mist of nighttime, the stars twinkling on the waves."
Do stars really twinkle on the waves? Speaking of which, the narrator says she doesn't know why she can't sleep but then there's a description of crashing waves and a wail, not exactly sleepytime. Also, replace the verb "was" with an action verb. I counted "was" 29 times in one Literotica defined page. Watch your tense also, because the story slips easily on "had" and "has". What exactly is a "clitty" and why did the narrator decide to call it that? Is she younger than I'm assuming?

As Romance Erotica: 3/5
As Literature: 1/5

I much preferred the similar "Colors Of Lust."

MARXIST
 
I know you are entitled to you opinion but.......

Marxist.....

firstly, thank you for reading my story. secondly, while you
are entitled to your opinion, I felt quite peeved by your
comments because the majority of people who have
read this story have enjoyed it. I do agree with the
fact that in some points of my story, I do switch between
present and past tense. However, since you are new
to Literotica.......most people who read stories on here
don't care about grammar (but grammar is good to
keep in mind when writing a good story), they care about
enjoying a sexy story and depending on the story,
getting pleasure out of it. That's how it works on here....

I am glad you enjoyed "Colors of Lust"......and do feel
free to check out my other stories and also my erotic
poetry......if you like.

Tigerjen
 
Here's the deal

I'm an egghead pervert. I love sex stories but switching tense in the same sentence takes me out of strokeland and dirties the author's vision for what he / she intended. I know a lot of people on Literotica don't spell worth a damn but that's what an editor and spellcheck is for. How believable or sexy is a story when the man telling it doesn't speak your language (French aside)? If people tell you a story is good, that's nice, but what exactly did they like? I think a lot of people like you and your plucky particiapation and wouldn't want to hurt your feelings. I'm new to submitting stories on Literotica but I'm not new to viewing the site, so have a pretty good idea of what goes on here.

I'd be more than happy to edit "In The White Room" for grammar etc... As they say, "nothing shuts up a critic faster than participation."

MARXIST
 
tigerjen,

I think the disclaimer at the top almost prepares the reader to be let down.

I can see why Marxist is picking on the grammar. A senior in college should know better.

On the other hand... it is a first story! And, that makes a big difference in any genre.

My first erotica work will never be read by anyone! I'd burn it if I could find it. My first submission here was easily my 20-some-odd work. I still have plenty of room for refinement.

I think your work has improved quite a bit. And that is definately a compliment.

I prefer some of the poems over the short stories. That's just me. I like poetry that I can visualize.
 
yes it was my first erotic story......

>>I can see why Marxist is picking on the grammar. A senior in college should know better.
On the other hand... it is a first story! And, that makes a big difference in any genre. >>

Rrrosyn,
FYI------->I received an A on that story in college, thank you very much!
And, I wrote the story at 7am in the morning......more on that later....
I am strong with using words etc.....but grammar has not been one
of my favorite aspects of English.....but as I told Marxist, most people
come onto Literotica to get turned on by stories and erotic poetry, not
to worry about grammar.......relax and live a little!

Tigerjen

PS......I am glad that you are interested in checking out the poems......!
check mine out at:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=39113
 
Grammar...

I said I could see it. I didn't say it made much difference. For most who read here, it doesn't.

No small blessing for me. My next experiment is going to drive any editor or english teachers into jumping off the roof.

:)
 
Grammar gets squished!

<<No small blessing for me. My next experiment is
going to drive any editor or english teachers into
jumping off the roof. >>

Rrrosyn......

Alright!!! Grammar gets squished!!!! :)
Right on!

Tigerjen
 
Boom! "Crunch"

Like a bug.

Ever get people who try to put grammer into poetry? I fail to see the point unless you are following a defined format.

What does the comma mean when the next word is in the next line? The reader doesn't know that in poetry you pause between lines?

*giggle*
 
what grammar in poetry?

>> Like a bug.

Ever get people who try to put grammer into poetry? I fail to see the point unless you are following a defined format.
What does the comma mean when the next word is in the next line?
The reader doesn't know that in poetry you pause between lines? >>
*giggle*>>


Grammar doesn't really exist in poetry....because
poetry stands on its own.....it can take any form,
like clay being molded into a sculpture.....like
dough that rises in the oven to make bread......

Yeah....I never got that comma thingy you mentioned....
*giggle*
 
To comma or not

Some poems need structure. Sir Robert Service's work. Homer. Poetry that is used as the means to tell an actual story.

My poetry is to convey emotion, sensation. Am I supposed to see that comma in the scene? Like "pretty ballons" and "oink elephants" it has no substance.

:)
 
re: To Comma or Not, that is the question

<< Some poems need structure. Sir Robert Service's work. Homer. Poetry that is used as the means to tell an actual story.
My poetry is to convey emotion, sensation. Am I supposed to see that comma in the scene? Like "pretty ballons" and "oink elephants" it has no substance. >>

Oh yes.......I agree with the structure aspect with poetry written by
Homer....I remember reading some of it back in college for Ancient Lit
class........

Erotic poetry should convey emotions and sensations......
heehee about that comma there ("emotion, sensation").......

:)
 
structure

I wish this thing had a spell check! It'd porbably miss the "oink elephants" anyway. They're pink! Honest.

Service is one of my favortires. The Cremation of Sam McGee. The Shooting of Dan McGraw.

I don't recall the author, but my all time favorite poem also needed structure. The Highwayman.

>>Emotion, sensation<<

Is that comma gonna poke someone? And, I don't mean in a good way.

Nite. :)
 
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