Feedback wanted for first story ;)

[Zachiel]

Hello esteemed writers and scholors

Here's my first story submitted to Literotica.com:http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=492040

I do hope to continue this story as well as another one that I have been going thru rewrite after rewrite... Hence, any constructive feedback and critques would be much appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Z

 

[Hotcappucino]

The URL to your story got mangled up. Here it is again:
The Seduction of Veronica

 

[CWatson]

Okay, first problem: an unclosed italics tag.

Second: if you're really from Mars, then that would explain why English seems to be a second language for you. Just in the opening you've got an average of one error every two paragraphs. And your paragraphs tend to be short.

It had been 2 weeks since Tom, her husband left for a business trip...

You need a comma after 'husband'. What you've got there is a parenthetical statement, with commas replacing the parentheses. What you've written, in other words, is, "It had been two weeks since Tom (her husband left for a business trip." Like the italics tag, you need a closing parenthesis for balance.

...and she was eagerly to hear from him.

"Eagerly"? A dangling adverb? Adverbs--which are mostly words that end in 'ly'--are meant to modify an adjective or verb. "He walked quickly", for example, or "he was extremely green". Under no circumstances can I simply say, "He quickly." That's not a sentence. Neither is yours.

Strange as it was to receive an email from an anonymous source but stranger still to be addressed in the nickname that only her closest friend and Tom would use.

This is poor phrasing. If you're going to set up a comparison, as you do by employing the word 'but', then both clauses need to be in the same tense.

I'm a picky son-of-a-bitch, but if I were reading casually, I'd have hit 'Back' by now. I don't think I'm the only person who had that reaction. Details matter--especially when they make the story hard to understand. Find an editor if you have to, but it'd be better if you could teach yourself not to make these mistakes at all.

 

[PacoFear]

I'm with CW on this. It takes serious dedication to write well in your second language. I don't have it. You don't either.

 

[Zachiel]

Thanks! I'll take a good look at the story again and edit some more.

Any recommandation for finding an editor?

 

[Monster_CockAB]

The way every thing is written tears the reader away from the story. Its Long enough to Draw the reader in to the world or the Story but the mistakes punch the reader in the face... I hate posing on a PSP... Rated 6.4/10

 

[Zachiel]

I'll continue to work on my grammar and punctuation. Your comments are much appreciated, everyone.

Time to write some more... To the writing desk!