Feedback... The Overdue Encounter

[Darkfalcon]

I'm a first time writer to Literotica as well, I've had two stories posted. I've noticed that my stories have been viewed many times but there aren't many votes in comparison. I'm assuming that people don't really like to take the time to vote most of the time, and therefore feedback would even be more work. Well if anyone would like to take the time I'd appreciate some feedback if possible.

In return, if those people would like my feedback on their stories, I'd be happy to return the favour.


Take care all... Darkfalcon...

 

[Ray Dario]

Links

Here are the links to his stories. I'll get feedback when I can.

Overdue Encounter

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=36358


Overdue Encounter 2

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=36657

 

[Darkfalcon]

Thanks Ray, I appreciate the reply..

Darkfalcon..

 

[Ray Dario]

DF,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. Been very busy lately.

Let me start by emphasizing that everything I say is just my opinion, okay.

First impression: The two stories should have been combined into one. The first one is not a story that can stand on its own.

In the first story there is no dialog and you spend the entire page telling us about Gina. It would have been much better for you to show us about Gina instead. It's harder to do sometimes, but the rest of your writing showed that you have the talent to do it.

Dialog: In the second story your dialog seems stilted and formal. I've only been around a couple of people from Canada, but I suspect they are just like other people and wouldn't really talk this way. An example is "you have inhabited my dreams" This may work as a narrative description but to me it really doesn't work as dialog.

Use of the never ending orgasmic scream. "I'm cummmmiiiinnnnngggg"

Please don't ever do this again! Every writer is only allowed to use this once in their life and you have used yours up! Seriously this is a topic that has been beat to death here on the boards and I agree with just about everyone else that it is a bad thing.

What you did well: I enjoyed your descriptions and your imagry. The story itself is a very nice "feelgood" story and the ending is quite erotic. You did a nice job of leading up to the, ahem, climax

You show a lot of talent and I hope that you continue to write and submit stories here at Lit.

Ray

 

[Darkfalcon]

Ray's comments on my first two submissions to Literotica.

Ray;

Thanks very much again for your reply to my thread. I appreciate the advice and the criticisms you applied to my submissions. All your concerns are noted and I'll try to work on these issues.

These are my first two erotic stories, in the past I've written more in the fantasy genre. With the application of real versus the fantastic it appears I have given the real people involved a little bit of a cardboard feel in comparison to the way I've written in the past. I'll have to admit it has been awhile since I've written and it will take a few submissions to get back my old flair.

From the encouragement you conveyed, I'm guessing that my first attempts to get back into writing were commendable so I will strive to make other attempts to capture the Literotica audience with evolving determination.

Thanks again Ray and maybe if you read this I'd like to see you add a link to one of your submissions and I will take the time to read it as you have done mine.

Darkfalcon

 

[Chantal Marchon]

Feedback

I have to agree with Ray- the two stories work much better as one. The sex scenes were long and interesting. I would like to see how this relationship works into the "Happily ever after category."

 

[Ray Dario]

Re: Ray's comments on my first two submissions to Literotica.

Ray;

From the encouragement you conveyed, I'm guessing that my first attempts to get back into writing were commendable so I will strive to make other attempts to capture the Literotica audience with evolving determination.

Well, in my opinion anyway, yes your attempt was commendable.

Thanks again Ray and maybe if you read this I'd like to see you add a link to one of your submissions and I will take the time to read it as you have done mine.

I just got my head out of my, uh, you know, and put a link to my page in my signature. Should show up below. If I did it right!

Ray

 

[Darkfalcon]

Great feedback

I would like to thank Ray and Chantal for the feedback they have posted. I didn't know which story of Ray's he wanted me to read and comment on so I simply chose one at random or rather by description.

I chose the "Slut" story because the space station idea was interesting. You have a good imagination Ray and your writing is fluid and descriptive. I can tell that you have been writing for quite some time. I used to write alot but have been away from it for years so I feel myself coping with some "rusty" feel.

Ray's story about the space station was very erotic and the mechanics are very good. I can't really say I have any concerns about his style of writing. Although I have to admit that there isn't a writer on earth that couldn't improve in some way. I see now why you suggested that my stories could have been put together as one Ray. The only reason I chose to have them separate was because of the time it took to write them.

So if everyone can just imagine all these Bill and Gina stories as one big story maybe we can get past this separate story issue.. hehe..

Back to Ray's work.. I think you have alot of talent and I can tell by your writing that you are an erotic guy who'd please any lady.. Good going Ray. Your dialog is better than mine, probably because my stories have usually been in the narrative style. Your dialog streams more flowingly. I will work on that, having seen your example. Thanks for sharing your work Ray. I can't offer you any constructive advice until I get back into my groove. But once I get it back I will read another story and will try to give you more feedback.

CHEERS!!!! Darkfalcon

 

[Ray Dario]

DarkFalcon;

Thanks for your very kind words. I always appreciate hearing that someone enjoyed my work, doubly so when it is another writer.

Ray