Feedback: The Designer

[HankDolworth]

I'm a long time reader, first time writer. A few weeks ago I had a brain storm that wouldn't let me be until I put characters to pixels (is that a modern equivalent to words to page?)

The first four chapters have posted and I have five more in revisions before the end of the story.

I'd appreciate any constructive feedback you might have. I'm also interested how people see the characters, and if the concept (a twist on the mind control genre) makes any sense.

I'll update this post as new chapters are published.

The Designer - Ch. 01 - Beginning
The Designer - Ch. 02 - Tabula Rasa
The Designer - Ch. 03 - Cleaning Up
The Designer - Ch. 04 - Departure
The Designer - Ch. 05 - Regrets

 

[MaxSebastian]

I think the mechanics of your writing is good, but the content is a little one-dimensional. It started off quite fun, although after zapping the first girl with mind control, I thought there would be some kind of explanation coming soon after - or at least some attempt by the protagonist to find out why he can do what he can do.

Instead, it's just not very ambitious. He has this power, and seems quite blasé about it, and simply uses it to draw whichever additional females who happen by to join the orgy.

Only when you introduced Carmen was there any real spark of potential conflict and potential interest. But still, there's just nothing to this. We know very little about the protagonist, there's no past history, nothing to offer possible insight into the why and the how.

For someone with such an unnatural gift, there's no questioning in his head, no curiosity, no burning need to know about it. It's just a fairly simple 'oh by the way, I can bend females to my every desire' story.

Not bad for a first attempt, if that's what it is, but although I've never written a mind control story, I'd probably want more exploration of the reasons why, and then on the character realizing just what he can do, surely he has some ultimate desires he would want to fulfill? Use or misuse his power, try to work out what exactly is going on with it, some effort to find out if anyone else in the world is similarly gifted.

He could turn into anything from a bank robber to a Hollywood Big Shot, all manner of things other than just waiting in a college to see which females happen to come along.

Did he have a particular crush in his past that he might want to pursue? What would be the ethical dimension of that? It can't be love if she's coerced into attraction to him, so how does that play out?

Maybe it's worth looking at other stories around that deal with a character with a special power, to see what kind of ways they have of exploring that power, and how to bring in conflict. Maybe his ability comes to the attention of the Government or some other corrupt force...

Maybe I'm going over the top for a simple mind control fantasy! I just think yours is lacking a little interest after a few chapters of "and then this girl joined in... and then that girl joined in..."

 

[HankDolworth]

Thanks for reading and taking the time to respond Max. I don't disagree with anything you've stated. I have a few more chapters in the editing queue.

I'm trying to draw the protagonist a deeper character, I would agree through the first four chapters he's merely responding to the situation, and not thinking things through.

I've also promised from the opening paragraph the concept of a relationship designer, that I'm still waiting to pay off, it's getting there, but still not well formed in my mind. Probably should have put more thought into how to get to that point.

The story has expanded in scope, and I'm trying to wrestle it back into shape.

This is my first big story, so I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback.

Thanks.

 

[estragon]

Hank, off-topic, but I liked your Texas elevator story. The local color was good, even if your characters were one-dimensional. I thought it was written well enough mechanically that I didn't need to do a quibble.

 

[HankDolworth]

Wow, thanks estragon! I had fun writing that. I'll accept that I write one-dimensional characters, something I will work on.

 

[HankDolworth]

My Editor has gone AWOL

I'm going to post this in the Editor's Hangout too.

I've got several chapters piled up in this series, and I'm waiting for feedback from my editor. She's been radio silent (busy, lots of work, etc) for a few days.

I'm comfortable with mechanics and grammar (though I overuse contractions, and have a few misspellings) that the second read should be fairly easy.

What I'm looking for is someone to give me some feedback, collaborate with, on my structure, characterization, story. To hopefully address some of the concerns that Max gave above.

I have all my writing up in a Google Drive/Documents set up which makes it easy to collaborate.

Drop me a PM if interested.