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[acerider]

HOPE YOU ALL LIKED MY STORY. FOLLOWING IS THE LINK

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=259135

SINCE I AM IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING ANOTHER STORY. I WOULD LIKE YOUR FEEDBACK, THIS WOULD ENABLE ME TO COME UPTO YOUR EXPECTATIONS

acerider

 

[drksideofthemoon]

HOPE YOU ALL LIKED MY STORY. FOLLOWING IS THE LINK

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=259135

SINCE I AM IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING ANOTHER STORY. I WOULD LIKE YOUR FEEDBACK, THIS WOULD ENABLE ME TO COME UPTO YOUR EXPECTATIONS

acerider

Your first paragraph is a huge turnoff...don't tell me what the characters look like, have your characters show me what they look like through their actions. Normally after reading a paragraph like this, I would stop reading and go on to another story. What is the point of telling us her bra size? Telling height and weight are fine if you are calling the police and describing a suspect, but in writing erotica be more imaginative, and let the readers imagination do the work.

I am Bill. My wife Sherry and I have been married for eight years. Even after two children, Sherry has kept herself in great shape and is definitely a head turner. She is 5 feet 5 and weighs 135 lbs. She has a narrow waist, flaring womanly hips and a pair of perfect full breasts with a bra size of 34D, while I am 6 feet 2 and weigh 175 lbs. Both of us, in spite of our hectic schedules, never miss our biweekly visits to the gym.

And again this paragraph does nothing for the story.

Cindy and her husband Steve live a short distance from our house. Steve is of an average height of about 5 feet 10. A very handsome person with an athletic body, neat and trim, in his early thirties and obviously financially successful. He is fun to be with. Cindy is quite tall and a sensuous women. She is drop-dead gorgeous, an absolute stunner with a breast size (looks like) of 36C. She is 32 years old and has long dark brown, shoulder length hair. She has a pert nose, captivating warm brown eyes and an even warmer smile. She is a very lively and bubbly person.

We both were now lying on our sides facing each other. I entered her with my throbbing cock. She wrapped her leg around my body, with which she pushed me and thus pushing my shaft deeper and deeper. She bit my neck and her breathing became heavier. She then turned her body and she was now on her back, with her legs around my waist. I put my fingers on her clit while my cock was already in her cunt. She found it very enjoyable. How do we know she found it enjoyable? Don't just tell the reader, show them with dialog, and actions from the character.

This line made me laugh out loud, I liked it.

Soon Steve's gallant soldier fell, but before falling he shot all his ammunition in the right target. He lay limp now.

Overall, it was a dull narration. Use your characters to bring the story to life. Don't be afraid to use dialog, something that was sorely lacking in your piece.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

This story starts out like "What I did on my summer vaction" and doesn't improve much. You have told this story in completely dry prose, with wooden characters, confused plot development and excruciating discriptions.

1. I'll say it again for 100th time: Let your characters tell the reader who and what they are. Don't discribe them. They can do a better job themselves. Learn to use dialogue and use it a LOT.

2. A story plot line goes from A--->to B. A long story goes from A---> to B ---> to C. In either case, the development and direction is lineal. Figure out the plot first, then write the story.

3. Give your readers some respect. They have imaginations. Don't discribe the characters except in the most general way. And there are ways of doing it that are not so overt. For instance, instead of - "She had really big 42DD tits and blonde hair" you could say something like - Shelly ran her hands over her big breasts and, with a shake of her long blonde hair, smiled back at me.

Which is more interesting?

But don't be disheartened. Most of the writers here on Lit (me included) were right where you are when they first started out. Try it again, but this time diagram the story first. Think about Who, not what, your characters are, let them have personalities and dialogue. You'll find your next story will be a vast improvement. You'll get even more improvement if you change the "REQUIRED" in your title to "REQUESTED".