feedback requested

[Aisla]

Hello,

Recently, I started writing again after my partner stimulated me to. I used to write a lot, mostly fiction, and never erotic stories. Now, my first erotic story is being written, the first chapter is posted under:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=116401

I have had 2 feedback emails in total, 15 or so votes and about 4000 view, since the 29th of November. Not bad, I thought, but in order for me to really approve, I need some more feedback then a single-liner: Great story, can't wait to read more. It's nice, ofcourse, and very flattering, but it doesn't help me too much. Why do people like it ? Why don't they ? (mind you that "a good wank-story" is not a very good reason )

If anyone has some time to spare, I'd really like to get some feedback on it. Thanks in advance.

Aisla

 

[BooMerengue]

Hello,

Recently, I started writing again after my partner stimulated me to. I used to write a lot, mostly fiction, and never erotic stories. Now, my first erotic story is being written, the first chapter is posted under:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=116401

I have had 2 feedback emails in total, 15 or so votes and about 4000 view, since the 29th of November. Not bad, I thought, but in order for me to really approve, I need some more feedback then a single-liner: Great story, can't wait to read more. It's nice, ofcourse, and very flattering, but it doesn't help me too much. Why do people like it ? Why don't they ? (mind you that "a good wank-story" is not a very good reason )

If anyone has some time to spare, I'd really like to get some feedback on it. Thanks in advance.

Aisla

Aisla!!! <insert eardrum shattering squeal here>!!! I saw your nic and said "Yayyyyyyyyy!!!" It's about time!! Glad you're here and posting- you already know my feedback... but I'll warn you in advance- readers here are infamous for NOT sending feedback. I have 1 story that has 60.000 views and 7 votes- all 5's, mind you- and not one single feedback!!

I don't know my way around these threads like I should (ahem... your partner does- he can help!) but there are threads here where youcan get real discussion about your stories and it's a lot of help.

Come to the Bar and have a drink - it's a great place! We have a lot of fun and have a big Strip Show coming up!

Glad you're here Girl! Really glad! Kiss the partner for me, ok? Somewhere sexy but ABOVE the shoulders!

Welcome Home,

Boo

 

[Aisla]

Booo ! *pouncehugsnuggle* Thanks sweets, I finally got the blasted thing posted, yes, as you see, dispite trouble with a slightly pedantical editor, but that aside. Webmaster was nice to help out and correct the tiny mistake I had made... Oh well, grievers the world over, I guess

Well, I'll move to be with Ravenswing the 19th of december, so lots of excitement going on *grins* But I'll be sure to kiss him for you when I see him again, sweets.

Happy to be here too, finally, and hope you are well. When I have time, i will certainly come check the Bar out

Huggles,
Aisla

 

[Pure]

Hi Aisla,

The writing in its mechanics, is not bad. You obviously have an eye for detail, and the ability to flesh out a fantasy.

It does call for some 'suspension of disbelief' not unlike a standard 'nonconsent' story. In my opinion its more than the usual suspension, since she goes so far, *so fast* toward 'getting into' it, in maybe the first hour.

The plot and unfolding of action are pretty straightforward. If you're doing to do this 'tortured into pleasure during bondage' thing, it's important to put your own stamp on this well worn path.
What's special about this?

Areas that could easily be improved:

Sentence variety, esp. the first word; note--

She had never felt this aroused before either. Someone else controlling her in such a way, she found it very exciting. He noticed her doubt and turned the vibrator back on, setting it on a very low speed. She let out a low groan of animal like desire as the teasing began anew. She squirmed in the chair, rotating her hips this way and that. He turned it up. She closed her eyes and moaned loudly, her head rolling back as her body tensed up more, preparing for the explosion of ecstasy she knew would come soon.

You see, 4 of 7 sentences start with 'she'. Lots of others, with 'he.'

Have some twists and turns, or delays: things march pretty straightforwardly. Perhaps you need to think about making a fantasy more a story-- always a job, like turning a book into a movie. Not enough of her thoughts are suprises.

For my taste, it seems that very early on, this hooded figure is not really so bad a guy; he's dedicated to pleasuring her.

All in all, with feedback, and then planning, the next after this will be fine. Keep writing.

J.

 

[Aisla]

J,

Thanks for your feedback, I finally have something to work with now

The "she" and "he" issue is an old enemy of mine, I'm afraid, I am aware of it but can't seem to get out of that one, it hunts me, so to speak. If anyone has any tips, please tell me, as I really want to improve my writing. (Note that it may have something to do with the fact I am not a native English speaker, in which case it should improve gradually as I am moving to the UK, but I'm not sure)

Aisla

 

[damppanties]

Hi Aisla,

I'll try to rewrite the paragraph Pure quoted and start each sentence differently, if I can. Hope that helps.

She had never felt this aroused before either. Someone else controlling her in such a way, she found it very exciting. He noticed her doubt and turned the vibrator back on, setting it on a very low speed. She let out a low groan of animal like desire as the teasing began anew. She squirmed in the chair, rotating her hips this way and that. He turned it up. She closed her eyes and moaned loudly, her head rolling back as her body tensed up more, preparing for the explosion of ecstasy she knew would come soon.

She had never felt this aroused before. Someone else controlling her this way, she found it very exciting. Noticing her doubt, he turned the vibrator back on, setting it on a low speed. A low groan of animal-like desire escaped her as the teasing began anew. Her hips rotated this way and that as she squirmed in her chair. The vibrator was turned up. She closed her eyes and moaned loudly, her head rolling back as her body tensed up more, preparing for the explosion of ecstasy she knew would come soon.

I ran out of techniques with the last sentence because I tried not to change your sentences too much. I have no idea how to talk grammar and help you. I can only do it with examples, therefore used the snippet from your story to demonstrate.

I had this problem earlier on in my writing. Some tips I can give you - Consciously try to vary your sentences. Read more and ONLY concentrate on how the sentences are constructed in a story. Go over your writing and see if you can change all the He/She starting sentences. You will not get it right the first time. It will seem forced but you get better with time.

Good luck.

 

[Pure]

Hi Aisla,
DP's suggestion look good.

I wanted to add a PS. Another issue is the amount of detail. Of course readers of porn/erotica want 'juicy details' of key moments, what's in the head and below the waist. OTOH, in a short story of a couple thousand words-- unlike a novel-- there should, imo, be *selection* of details, and omission of non essentials. You don't need to report second by second. I've taken some piece from some adjacent paras, to illustrate. I'd ask, which of these details are relevant:

He took two steps and stood before her, towering over her. She
[...]

The man walked to the chair near the table, turned it and sat down, facing her. [...][She asked herself] Why was she brought here, what was she to learn?

The man seemed to notice this from the look on her face, and added; "You're here to learn to obey."

With those words, he stood and turned to the cabinet. When he turned back to her, he was holding a piece of finely worked leather in his hands. He walked up to her and put the collar around her neck.

From this readers pov, sometimes I wondered why I was wading through certain details. Of course character etc are to be built up. You can't 'skip' to the juicy parts, without becoming a hack. But.

Another idea would be to give a view of the room, then let it go and get into the characters, and have a bit less of what seem like
'stage directions.'

Or telescope/ compress things a bit:

Suggested re-draft: After he got something from the cabinet, he turned; a piece of finely worked leather lay in his hands. A collar. [delete the walk] Standing directly in front or her, he fastened it around her neck.

I hope this is of assistance. You have many writing skills in no way inferior to those of a native speaker.
J.

 

[Aisla]

DP and J,

Thanks for your advice. I have to add to that, that Mystery is part one to a novel-like story, and some things will be explained, but I guess I could have added a bit of that in the first chapter. With your advice and help, I hope part two will be better. I have started writing it two days ago, since my real life has been very busy, as in about 11 days, I am moving from Holland to the UK. But I want to try and have part two finished before I move.

If anything else pops up on the advice side or otherwise, please let me know on here.

Aisla