Feedback requested on The Doll House

[R_Peterson]

This story was accepted without the benefit of an editor. It is doing okay. But I really wanted to take the story to another level. Not by changing the story, but maybe changing writing around the story. That is why I have been interested in an editor of sorts.

In an earlier question last week, on another board, it was suggested that I look into this forum. I am new to this kind of dialog but look forward to any and all feedback. The URL to the story is listed below for any that care to read.

Regards, Rusty

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=183404

 

[J.Q. Hack]

I thought this story was pretty well written and highly erotic. You managed to keep your sentences and paragraphs short and to the point, which makes them much more readable and easier to understand.

There were some areas I think that could've been improved on.

I didn't get too much of a feel for the characters or why they were doing the things they were doing. For example, you have Molly say she's never done anything like this but there is not a hint or sign of nervousness or apprehension. You'd think an experience like that would cause a little.

Your descriptions of the action were pretty good, but you need to involve the other senses more. A little mention of sounds or smells or tastes could have added a wonderful new dimension to the story.

The writing while generally good contained some sentences that seemed too quick or hurried. It made for choppy reading at some points.

I think any technical writing or grammar problems you had were minor and didn't interrupt the flow or reading of the story. Those most likely could be taken care of with an editor or even yourself carefully re-reading the story a few days after it was written.

All in all a nicely written story. I hope you continue to work and improve on your writing.

 

[R_Peterson]

J.Q. Hack, thank you….

Trying to find someone to server as an editor has been a story. Your feedback would qualify as my first editor. Thank you.

You have made some wonderful suggestions that I need to go back and re-read the story to ponder how I might incorporate your suggestions. Your comment around the senses has me asking myself “why didn’t I think of that!”

After I write a story, I re-read it many times. I have found many mistakes and usually focus on the flow. Molly catches the ones I miss. And as you have noticed, we still miss some needed corrections.

Thank you again for taking the time… Rusty

 

[spyro1123]

awsome!

that was a great story.

It did all the things that erotic writing is supposed to, make things hard, wet or both.

I thought the part where she was a slave was very sexy but it seemed to jump into it a bit quickly. I think it would have been interesting if you showed some inner conflict in her caracter by having her come back out to check in with her husband. That would have set the whole show up as the climax of the story, with the whole ride home and fucking being the denoument (however that is spelled)

I also think you missed an opportunity to show some more of the characters by not having them talk a little more about what turned them on about her showing off.

I think i am pretty much just restating the above comments so i will stop

spyro

 

[sandmartin]

Re: J.Q. Hack, thank you….

Trying to find someone to server as an editor has been a story. Your feedback would qualify as my first editor. Thank you.

I'm an Editor on the Lit programme, if you are struggling to find an editor for your work feel free to contact me. Failing that, you could always place a post requesting an editor on the Editor's Forum.


Sandy