Feedback requested: Massage Break

[Cinnamon_Areola]

HI everyone

New author here. My first story was published today and I wanted to request feedback on this forum. It's titled Massage Break and it's in the Lesbian Sex section. Thank you in advance!

https://literotica.com/s/massage-break

Janet placed her hand under Paris' hair and slid a finger down the center of her back. When Janet reached the bottom of the sports bra she slid her finger inside and pulled it open.

The two triplets massaging Paris' shoulders each worked a hand inside the back of the sports bra. They reached up to the back of Paris' neck and continued the massage. They synchronized their hand movements and worked their way down her back. When they reached the lace bra the strap effortlessly separated in tempo with their motion.

The two triplets passed the open sports bra from Janet's finger to theirs. They inched their fingers forward and pulled the opening around Paris' sides, lightly pulling down the lace bra as they went. When they reached the sides of Paris' large breasts they moved to the front of the white sports bra and pulled it away from her chest. Paris tried to lean forward as they pulled, but they had her shoulders pinned. Paris sat upright as her gravity defying 34DD breasts, and the dangling lace bra, were suspended in mid-air just inside the sports bra.

 

[StillStunned]

I've read it, and it's quite hot. A nice set-up, and I liked that you inserted another set on stage between her two scenes with the group of ladies. That helped to build up the tension.

In terms of style I have a few suggestions, though. Take them or leave them as you please: suggestions are all they are, and everyone has their own preferred style. But you asked for feedback, so here goes.

First, as one of the comments already mentions, precise body measurements take the reader out of the story. Try describing your characters in words, like they would think about themselves. So Paris becomes "quite tall, but in excellent shape because of her work as a dancer. Her shoulders are strong enough to support her breasts - they'd always been large, but a few years ago she'd had them enhanced. The result was barely contained by her spandex crop top, or the lacy bra underneath." Something like that. (As an aside, I was a little confused by the use of two bras - I'd refer to one as a top or something.)

Second, ditch exclamation marks in your narrative text. They read like you're telling the reader, "Hey, look at this!" If you want to emphasise a particular point, perhaps use internal dialogue. So in the opening paragraph you could say. "Paris was four hours into her six-hour shift, and she was exhausted. Still, she thought as she took another deep breath, the money's great!

While I'm on this point I also advice losing the "LOL", unless someone's texting, and the brackets. They both break the fourth wall, when the author is talking directly to the reader. This takes your reader out of the story; even for an instant, that's not something you want. Bracketed text usually works perfectly fine without the brackets, although you might need to move its position slightly, like to a separate sentence after the sentence it was originally in.

A final point is more subtle. You were very good at staying in Paris's head, and sticking to her point of view. But towards the end, with so many things going on, the point of view became a little more omniscient. This is easily fixed by adding a line here or there about how Paris sees or hears things happening around her, and responds to them through inner dialogue. Staying in one character's head makes for a more intimate experience, and that's what readers often want from erotica.

Like I said, these are just suggestions, and you should take them or leave them as you please. Do whatever works best for you, and find your own style. Don't do anything just because someone here advises you to. I'm a middle-aged bloke who's been married for twenty years, so my tastes in style don't necessarily match those of women, or younger people, or people with a more exotic lifestyle.

The one piece of advice I will insist is more than a suggestion is this: keep on writing.

Good luck!

 

[AshCardiff]

Obviously there are different kinds of stories for different kinds of purposes, but one thing I like in a story that this lacked was tension… everything flowed happily for everyone, there was no point at which I felt like anything was at risk, or uncertain, the characters afraid or nervous or worried… it flowed too easily.

Some people might like that!

But some readers want a stronger hook to keep them reading.

 

[Cinnamon_Areola]

Hello StillStunned! I appreciate your feedback

First, as one of the comments already mentions, precise body measurements take the reader out of the story. Try describing your characters in words, like they would think about themselves. So Paris becomes "quite tall, but in excellent shape because of her work as a dancer. Her shoulders are strong enough to support her breasts - they'd always been large, but a few years ago she'd had them enhanced. The result was barely contained by her spandex crop top, or the lacy bra underneath." Something like that. (As an aside, I was a little confused by the use of two bras - I'd refer to one as a top or something.

After reading the comment I read the story again and I agree about the measurements taking the reader out of the story. I've seen it used in other stories and thought it was an acceptable (or even expected) trope. I'll have to chock this one up to inexperience and call this a mistake that will only happen once. As you said, there are better ways to describe a body.

Paris is based on a real person who was a dancer at a strip club. The lace bra with the sports bra on top was an outfit she wore once. She normally wore more intricate costumes, but I think something happened with them that night and she had to improvise. But, again, I agree with your assessment: calling it a spandex top would have been less confusing.

Since I let that cat out of the bag, I guess I should add some qualifiers: I met the person Paris is based on in 2008, everyone else in the story is made up, the events of the story are in the style of shenanigans I saw while at the club (or was apart of ) but are fictitious, and (money or not) the bouncers would have stepped in before hands started going inside of clothes.

Second, ditch exclamation marks in your narrative text. They read like you're telling the reader, "Hey, look at this!" If you want to emphasise a particular point, perhaps use internal dialogue. So in the opening paragraph you could say. "Paris was four hours into her six-hour shift, and she was exhausted. Still, she thought as she took another deep breath, the money's great!

Another good point. I'll remember this in the future.

While I'm on this point I also advice losing the "LOL", unless someone's texting, and the brackets. They both break the fourth wall, when the author is talking directly to the reader. This takes your reader out of the story; even for an instant, that's not something you want. Bracketed text usually works perfectly fine without the brackets, although you might need to move its position slightly, like to a separate sentence after the sentence it was originally in.

I was hoping to incorporate the LOL as part of my personal style. I'll work on it.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say bracketed text. Is there a specific example you can show me?

A final point is more subtle. You were very good at staying in Paris's head, and sticking to her point of view. But towards the end, with so many things going on, the point of view became a little more omniscient. This is easily fixed by adding a line here or there about how Paris sees or hears things happening around her, and responds to them through inner dialogue. Staying in one character's head makes for a more intimate experience, and that's what readers often want from erotica.

That's a part I had a lot of trouble with. By the end of story Paris was being overwhelmed, and I didn't think it was plausible that she would be able to keep up with a full and accurate description of what was happening. My intention was for the point of view to transfer to Kim, but I don't think it was well executed and still felt awkward.

You gave me multiple points I didn't see myself. Thank you again for the feedback and giving me an opportunity to grow as a writer!

 

[Cinnamon_Areola]

Obviously there are different kinds of stories for different kinds of purposes, but one thing I like in a story that this lacked was tension… everything flowed happily for everyone, there was no point at which I felt like anything was at risk, or uncertain, the characters afraid or nervous or worried… it flowed too easily.

Some people might like that!

But some readers want a stronger hook to keep them reading.

Hello AshCardiff! Thank you for your reply.

Consent is an issue I have strong feelings about. I appreciate Literotica empowers authors and readers to explore both nonconsensual encounters and encounters with questionable consent (leaning towards the nonconsensual side of that spectrum). And no judgements! But I actively avoid going down that road, myself. Ideally, I would like my stories to describe fully consensual encounters. Or if there is a question, that it lean more towards unspoken-but-implied consent.

I'm currently working on a story which includes blackmail, but there won't be a lot of suspense.

You're correct. That does limit the amount of tension I will be able to build. But I'm ok with that.

 

[AshCardiff]

Oh, I think you can do a lot without putting consent at risk. Sex can put all kinds of things at risk, even when everything is consensual. Romance novels are filled with it! Personally, I like the tension between what a person thinks they are supposed to want, and what they really want!

But I look forward to your next one. Blackmail -- whether it actually happens or not -- certainly steps up the narrative game!!

 

[StillStunned]

I'm not sure what you mean when you say bracketed text. Is there a specific example you can show me?

There's this one, for example:

45 minutes ago a party of 5 women walked in and zeroed in on her immediately (drunk women loved her giant boobs).

You could easily make this two separate sentences by removing the brackets and adding a full stop after "immediately".

Or this:

The rest of the ladies cheered as Paris arrived at their table. And, of course, there was a round of shots (including one for Paris) waiting when she got there.

You could change this to: "The rest of the ladies cheered as Paris arrived at their table. And, of course, there was a round of shots waiting when she got there, including one for Paris herself."

 

[Cinnamon_Areola]

Ah, I see now! Thank you again.

 

[StillStunned]

No problem!

I see in one of your posts that you're working on a blackmail story, but without suspense. I've written one NC/R blackmail story, where I focused heavily on suspense: the narrator's nervousness at what he's about to do, and his surprise when the situation takes a turn. If you're interested, you can read it here: Ben's Big Mistake.

It's in the first person, present tense. That's not everyone's cup of tea (not even mine), but it helps to ramp up the tension because the reader is there in the narrator's mind as the events unfold. I actually wrote the story as an exercise in seeing whether I could make a style (present tense) work that I personally despite.

 

[alohadave]

There's this one, for example:
You could easily make this two separate sentences by removing the brackets and adding a full stop after "immediately".

FYI, () are parenthesis, [] are brackets, and {} are braces.

Text in () would be parenthetical.

 

[StillStunned]

FYI, () are parenthesis, [] are brackets, and {} are braces.

Text in () would be parenthetical.

FYI, in UK English () are brackets, and [] are square brackets.

 

[alohadave]

FYI, in UK English () are brackets, and [] are square brackets.

Good to know. Sorry to butt in.

 

[StillStunned]

Good to know. Sorry to butt in.

No problem. It's always useful to be reminded of these small differences. When I was writing "full stop" I wondered whether to add "period" to avoid any confusion, but I didn't even consider the possibility that "brackets" might cause difficulties.

ETA: sorry if my previous reply was a bit snarky.