Feedback requested "Labyrinth of My Soul"

[DominAngel]

Good morning all. I'm new to the forums, so if I make a mistake in forum etiquette please let me know gently.

I'm so glad to find this forum available. I look forward to learning and growing with you.

I have recently submitted a new poem, and would appreciate any feedback you should care to give.

********************
Soft and sincere
And filled with love
In his eyes
Rests the woman
I want to be
Tho know I’m not.
Faithful and true
Honest and kind
All the things
I wish I was
But doubt I’ll ever be.
For I know my heart
It’s cold and icy doors.
I know it’s secrets and hidden rooms.
I know the deceit
And the darkness of my soul.
I know the tendencies
And I know the ease
With which I hurt
The ones I claim to love.
I know the lies
And the selfish eyes
I peer through to see my world.
And I feel the need
For that instant high
Of getting whatever I want
Regardless of the cost
To anyone but me.
But when I see his eyes
And the woman there
I wonder somewhere even deeper
Than the ice that crusts my soul
Is it me that he somehow knows?
Could there be soundly sleeping
But yearning for the dawn
The woman he sees
Who loves completely
Who gives unsparingly
And commits absolutely?
I feel her there somewhere hidden
But what will it take to breathe her to life
To finally revive her from the sleep
That has wrapped her in a dark eternity?
Like a fairy tale come true
A most fragile yet potent true love’s kiss?
Arise Sleeping Beauty and greet thy new day?
Laughable at best and yet it seems
That from some as yet unexplored corner
I hear her dream filled whisper “Come”.
*************************

I also have other poetry posted and would love to hear your thoughts on those as well. Thank you for your time and expertise.

DominAngel

 

[flyguy69]

Hello, DominAngel, and welcome to the poetry forum. There are lots of opportunities to learn, here, and I hope you find this a comfortable place to experiment with your writing.

Please recognize that this is a workshop-- a place to delve beyond simply liking or disliking a poem. Here (especially with your brave invitation!) we try to discover why we like or dislike a poem. It is only through this process that writers improve at their craft.

By way of introduction: some poets will critique gently with lots of sugar, others will use a razor dipped in vinegar. Both have merit, but you will have to decide for yourself how much guidance comes with the former and how much encouragement comes with the latter. My style is toward the razor end of the spectrum.

That said, here are my thoughts:

The poem is not awful.

But it is close. The title is a cliche flare fired 500 feet into the night sky, and immediately puts the poem at a disadvantage. Cliche is, of course, relative to your own expererience with poetry, but most readers will have encountered lots of confessional poems about how the author feels they are complex. Claiming that "my soul is a labyrinth" will require that you provide some very fresh angles on your uniqueness or, more likely, readers will not bother with the poem.

So change the title.

But that is window-dressing. The biggest hinderance to this poem's success is that it simply takes too long to make its point. This poem says:

The narrator is an evil person,
but, in her lover's eyes she sees
the potential for a good person inside of herself.​

Why am I able to say in three lines what this poem requires... just a sec... 49 to say? I am not claiming mine is a good poem (mine is truely awful!) but only that this poem does not need so many lines to make such a small point.

On the other hand, it can be a very good point. It might be very interesting to read about the narrator's second chance, or the lover's perspicacity. To enhance the first give readers some concrete examples of your evil behavior (not too many, one of two is probably enough!), to enhance the second develop the lover's character a bit. Help readers believe that he might see something the narrator cannot.

A strength of this poem is your word choice. The language is clear and appropriate and conveys the sentiment well. I like the way it slips into fairy-tale lexicon during the Sleeping Beauty metaphor, and the image of a "dream-filled whisper" is very nice.

Chop it up, rip the guts out, and rebuild. I think you have something interesting to say.

Fly

 

[Guest]

Well, the usual request for gentleness was missing.

 

[flyguy69]

Well, the usual request for gentleness was missing.

It was the vinegar, wasn't it?

 

[WickedEve]

It was the vinegar, wasn't it?

You vinegar coated fly. lol
You gave some good advice.

Dominangel, the poem does have value. Many of us have written poems on that same level. It's part of learning to write poetry. It's actually an exciting phase. Enjoy writing and discovering and improving.

 

[Guest]

I simply found the format difficult to read and gave up quite quickly. My interest wasn't captured and to continue would have been more effort that I have right now.

 

[DominAngel]

LOL -- I only asked for gentleness in correcting my forum etiquette, so no harm no foul.

I asked for feedback, not just praise. Keep it coming and I'll keep listening. Thank you for the time you spend on my behalf.

 

[flyguy69]

LOL -- I only asked for gentleness in correcting my forum etiquette, so no harm no foul.

I asked for feedback, not just praise. Keep it coming and I'll keep listening. Thank you for the time you spend on my behalf.

Oh, did you want praise, too?

Your username suggests common ground, though I've never thought of Oklahoma as heaven.

 

[DominAngel]

You may not think of Oklahoma as heaven Flyguy, but that's because you've never been there with me. *wink*

I think our humor gives us common ground as well.

 

[flyguy69]

You may not think of Oklahoma as heaven Flyguy, but that's because you've never been there with me. *wink*

I think our humor gives us common ground as well.

No, but I was there in the driving rain with my life in a backpack at the side of the road at 2 AM once. All you'd have needed to be my angel was a dry car.

 

[wildsweetone]

Gidday and welcome to the Poetry Forum! Stick around here and be willing to work hard and you'll learn lots. I have and am still learning.

Here's my impressions and thoughts...

When confronted with your whole poem stretched down the page as it is shown in your first post, my eyeballs kind of spun and I took a deep breath in readiness to read. (I like to see verse with breaks, it makes for an interesting 'look' to a poem and it makes for an interesting 'read'). I note you've used lots of periods and question marks. I don't see any commas.

Is there any reason you formatted your poem in this manner? Or did it just 'feel right' this way?

Is there any reason you began each line with a capital letter?

For some reason I was tempted to look at some stats for your poem. It was interesting to note the times some words occurred.

and - 14
be - 5
I - 69
me - 8
the - 20

(I've never looked at the stats for one of my own poems and will definately do that soon.) What this little exercise showed me was that in 248 words many of your words were repeated. The poem could be tightened up by rewording to get rid of so many 'and' and 'I'. In the process you'll probably lose half, if not more, of the 'the' count.

I do like your near rhymes and I like some of your line ends. Some line ends are lost chances to make impact (the last word on a line is important).

Check out the Definitions to help thread, you may find some things in there useful.


I don't require any answers to the questions I posed, they are purely for your own thoughts. These are just a few of my thoughts on what I see. I hope something in here is of use to you.

Above all else, keep writing and enjoy yourself!

 

[champagne1982]

Hello Domin,

I like your poem, once I convinced myself that there was substance to it and started to read. Your opening is too weak, by far, and most readers wouldn't buy a ticket for the journey you want to take us on.

What follows are my own personal opinions about the poem. Please feel free to use or discard anything I suggest, as that is what they are, simple suggestions on what I think would make your poem better for me.

Labyrinth of My Soul

Soft and sincere
And filled with love

Here you tell us that the woman he sees has all of these pretty characteristics. I'd like to see what makes this person soft, sincere, loving, faithful, true, honest and kind. Can you show me? Perhaps she's a nurse who helps the injured and their families come through what can be the worst experience of their lives, or maybe she's a firefighter, a police officer, even a social worker, a mom or simply the lover of this man?

In his eyes
Rests the woman
I want to be
Tho know I’m not. The use of "tho" confuses me. Do you mean though or thou. Using the romantic "thou" doesn't do anything for your poem, I think. To give us a fresh view, try keeping your language contemporary and maybe include a little modern vernacular.
Faithful and true
Honest and kind
All the things
I wish I was
But doubt I’ll ever be.

In the preceeding lines you raise doubts about who you are and your worthiness to be cherished in his eyes, we've all wrote this journey, thankyou for sharing yours. Now, can you make the trip a little less routine for the seasoned travellers that are your audience?

For I know my heart
It’s cold and icy doors.
I know it’s secrets and hidden rooms. If these it nouns are meant to show possession, then "it" should be spelled without the apostrophe, ie: its.
I know the deceit
And the darkness of my soul.
I know the tendencies
And I know the ease
With which I hurt
The ones I claim to love.
I know the lies
And the selfish eyes
I peer through to see my world.
And I feel the need
For that instant high
Of getting whatever I want
Regardless of the cost
To anyone but me.

A labyrinth is a path the soul walks to find the centre of its spirit. So many poets depict it as a dark and sinful place and I think that paints your poem, perhaps unfairly, with the cliche brush. I know you are unique, I'm sure you feel that way and I'll bet money I don't have that the man who loves you would insist that you were one of a kind. Can you introduce us to her, rather than telling us about the mannequin seen in every shop window?

But when I see his eyes
And the woman there
I wonder somewhere even deeper
Than the ice that crusts my soul
Is it me that he somehow knows?
Could there be soundly sleeping
But yearning for the dawn
The woman he sees
Who loves completely
Who gives unsparingly
And commits absolutely?

You ask a bunch of rhetorical questions here. We know this is the reflective chapter of your story since you echo the questions you've asked earlier. Instead of questions that you don't expect us to answer, why don't you reply to the ones on the paper?

I feel her there somewhere hidden
But what will it take to breathe her to life
To finally revive her from the sleep
That has wrapped her in a dark eternity?
Like a fairy tale come true
A most fragile yet potent true love’s kiss?
Arise Sleeping Beauty and greet thy new day? Consider dropping the antiquated "thy".

The Brothers Grimm wrote this one already, but it gives your poem a strong ending. Maybe, write this as your opening with a view to answering these questions about who you are.

Laughable at best and yet it seems
That from some as yet unexplored corner
I hear her dream filled whisper “Come”.

Sometimes, you slip into the passive voice, where the subject of the sentence slides away from the verb and becomes an afterthought rather than the focus, "Yoda speak". It's usually caused from trying to keep the rhythm in a verse or to create a rhyme but sometimes, the poet does it almost unconciously because it may sound more "poetic".

It's not improper grammar to use this voice it shows, however, a bit of unsophistication and perhaps, a bit of laziness. You can correct it quite easily through determined selection of only the essential adjectives and adverbs. Cut anything that doesn't move the story forward, or answer the questions you ask, then see where that leads.

Good luck and thank you for showing such a brave face.

 

[cherries_on_snow]

LOL -- I only asked for gentleness in correcting my forum etiquette, so no harm no foul.

I asked for feedback, not just praise. Keep it coming and I'll keep listening. Thank you for the time you spend on my behalf.

I liked the feel of the pace of the thing. The lines were even and the sentences were complete though missing punctuation. I personally am not fond of the construct of capitalizing every line. What I liked, though, was that the mouth could work the rhythms you found and I liked some of the internal rhyme. Never use an apostrophe with its unless you mean it is, by the way. (I make crappy little errors too, and welcome you to point them out if you find them in anything. =D) Oops, just saw that Champagne made this point. Oh well, I'll leave it in anyway as repetition reinforces.

I'd also look into the hyperbole you use, contrasting a very, very wicked person to the fairy tale heroine. Maybe that could somehow be strengthened in the theme of the poem to give it more definition? Why is she so evil? Why is he so trusting? I want more dynamic.

I do think it is true, as Fly says, that this poem has things worth saying (redemption is a powerful theme) and I further think that the writer is exploring rhythms in a positive way. I sometimes have to discipline myself when I get too in love with rhythm though, keeping lines or words in because of the feeling of them in my mouth (damn oral fixation =D). Perhaps, like me, you could stand to strain out the raw stuff, leave behind the bulk, and work out a more thematically developed piece. Somewhere in there, we find voice.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Computer?

Was your work done in MS word? If it was, I understand the problem. You have to write the word and the take your cursor and delete the first letter and then replace it a lower case letter. It will remain lower case after that correction.

I find that the poem, does show some character in its shape. However, when you have take on a poetic structure it is wise to maitain that structure to the end. Unless the final break in the structure is meant to evoke a change in the general tone of the poem. Then it is suggested that you make a break at that point to announce a change of mood. What the others have said is important, like try to use a wider range of words when you want to keep your readers attention. repeatition tends to make people sleepy and tired. I'm not quite sure where it changes and as such, it has a lot of potential and I do find points in the poem that seem to stand out:

Soft and sincere
And filled with love
In his eyes
Rests the woman

I really like this as a start, I can feel the affection and connection here. The structure also makes a thoughtful process in its division. Nice.

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