Feedback requested: Galatea Unleashed

[SomaSlave]

This is the story to which I referred earlier. Chapter 2 was published this morning, and I'd appreciate feedback on the general structure and direction of the story. I waited until this chapter was published to ask for feedback because the first chapter is primarily exposition; this one has more action. I plan to incorporate the feedback I received from my earlier post in future chapters.

Here's the link: https://www.literotica.com/s/galatea-unleashed-ch-02

Thank you in advance for your critiques.

 

[thewinedarksea]

Well I thought it was very well written. You have a good sense of your characters. There is a fine balance between action and description, and some of your descriptive language was good and evocative.

Some very minor and constructive criticism:

The use of "would" and "could" (what is that, future conditional? I'm never sure…) in the opening paragraphs (particularly the 4th) felt a bit awkward. Might just be me.

On the whole, the dialogue was completely fine. One part that didn't work for me was when Galatea is getting whipped by Sir Stephen and the dialogue starts to do this: "I-I-I must not...ssssay...'But'...to...Sir Stephen. No more, please!"

I struggle with writing interrupted and otherwise unusually enunciated dialogue. Something about the combination of repeated letters and ellipses gives it an almost comedic feel that isn't quite in fitting with the rest of the tone. I don't have much in the way of suggestions, as whenever I'm in this situation, I avoid it by writing the dialogue straight then using description to do the work. Something like: "I must not say 'But' to Sir Stephen," I gasp, my words coming in desperate bursts. "No more, please!" I beg.

This is just a nitpick. Overall I thought it was great.

I don't really get a sense of the femininity of this character yet. Perhaps that's on its way. I look forward to reading more!

 

[SomaSlave]

The use of "would" and "could" (what is that, future conditional? I'm never sure…) in the opening paragraphs (particularly the 4th) felt a bit awkward. Might just be me.

On the whole, the dialogue was completely fine. One part that didn't work for me was when Galatea is getting whipped by Sir Stephen and the dialogue starts to do this: "I-I-I must not...ssssay...'But'...to...Sir Stephen. No more, please!"

I struggle with writing interrupted and otherwise unusually enunciated dialogue. Something about the combination of repeated letters and ellipses gives it an almost comedic feel that isn't quite in fitting with the rest of the tone. I don't have much in the way of suggestions, as whenever I'm in this situation, I avoid it by writing the dialogue straight then using description to do the work. Something like: "I must not say 'But' to Sir Stephen," I gasp, my words coming in desperate bursts. "No more, please!" I beg.
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I don't really get a sense of the femininity of this character yet. Perhaps that's on its way. I look forward to reading more!

Thank you for your kind words and for your constructive criticism, especially noting my excess use of "would" and "could." I try to avoid excessive use of words like that; I need to keep an eye out for that.

I hadn't considered that my approach to expressing the intense sensations being experienced by Galatea could be overdone. I'll give that some thought.

As for the femininity of the character, how quickly and in what ways Galatea's feminine nature is surfaced is at the heart of the story. It's going to be subtle. If I pull it off the way I have in mind, each chapter will show it appearing more and more, as stereotypical male attitudes are gradually replaced by stereotypical female attitudes.

I hope you continue to find it interesting and, perhaps, a bit thought provoking.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I hadn't considered that my approach to expressing the intense sensations being experienced by Galatea could be overdone. I'll give that some thought.

A little less Lawrence Durrell, a little more Soma Slave, would be my advice. Rich, textured writing is fine, when it's flowing naturally; some of this seemed forced. Also, but I can't put my finger on it, I didn't get the immediate post-war vibe - I was getting more a sixties/seventies thing. As I say, nothing to put my finger on, but something in the time period wasn't quite right for me.

I probably need to try again - but note, this comment is from someone who's foundered four times two hundred pages in to the damned Alexandria Quartet, and all I remember is sand and white hats .

 

[SomaSlave]

A little less Lawrence Durrell, a little more Soma Slave, would be my advice. Rich, textured writing is fine, when it's flowing naturally; some of this seemed forced. Also, but I can't put my finger on it, I didn't get the immediate post-war vibe - I was getting more a sixties/seventies thing. As I say, nothing to put my finger on, but something in the time period wasn't quite right for me.

While I'm flattered to be mentioned in the same breath with Lawrence Durrell, I'm curious how you made the connection. I wasn't consciously channeling him, and the setting is in the present day. I'll work on the flow, though. The next chapter is going to be heavy on reflection and conversation and light on action. In general, I'm working on a structure where even chapters are focused on action and odd chapters are focused on exposition and reflections.

 

[ElectricBlue]

While I'm flattered to be mentioned in the same breath with Lawrence Durrell, I'm curious how you made the connection. I wasn't consciously channeling him, and the setting is in the present day. I'll work on the flow, though. The next chapter is going to be heavy on reflection and conversation and light on action. In general, I'm working on a structure where even chapters are focused on action and odd chapters are focused on exposition and reflections.

The density of your prose, he was the first writer I thought of, and then you had the Egyptian touches.

Didn't you say somewhere you were chasing a post-war touch? Or were you actually talking about Durrell? Maybe I'm confused.

I'll go read it again, see if my brain resets itself. My problem is switching from astronauts and angels on Titan, two centuries in the future, back to sixth century Britain, then to three people on an Australian train ride. My timelines are mixed up at the best of times, without you coming along and confusing the hell out of me .