Feedback requested: 1st Romance story

[SolarRay]

Hi everyone. I recently posted my first story in the Romance category. The category is new to me and not the area I usually post in, so I'm hoping to get some general feedback.

At the time of posting this (about 10 days, and off the new submission list), there are only 1,788 views, 1 favorite, 34 votes, 0 comments. Factoring out the usual 1-bombs (same amount as I get with any story) I would say the score is good, but it's based on a very low vote count. I'm posting this request largely because these statistics tell me nothing about my 1st Romance attempt, mainly because there are zero comments.

This is a period piece (post-WW2). While it is not a comedy, there are elements of humor and whimsy, and I had a goal of trying some richer language. I aimed to dig into the process of the relationship the two characters build, which involves each of them overcoming personal issues, and out of which romance is discovered. There is sex (eventually), and although detailed it is more sensual than explicit. It's a happy ending piece.

If anyone is interested, some kind, constructive feedback would be appreciated.

"Love is a Kind of Madness"
https://www.literotica.com/s/love-is-a-kind-of-madness

Thank you!

 

[beerlovr88]

By literotica standards the story is well-written enough, and so, at least from a technical perspective, I will say that I thought your initial description of the city was solid.

Part of the problem though is that after reading so many brilliant authors, I am now perhaps overly critical of the ones who are merely good or mediocre, so it'll be difficult to respond with the 'kindness' that you openly solicit for. Every word, every description, every encounter -- it all comes together to define the experience of your audience. Or in other words, an awkward word here, an ill-phrased sentence there... collectively all these 'little things' add up to create disinterest from an experienced reader. For if the author doesn't care enough about their story to clean it up, then why should the reader?

For an example of a 'little thing' that I'm referring to:

"I dwelled inwardly on this so long that I almost missed the look she gave me." For so long? She literally just came in and bought something before leaving. If he's going to almost miss the look she gave him, I'd much rather have it be because of the intensity of his thoughts, not duration. Which again, in itself this is a very minor grievance, but at the same time they do add up.

I could go on, but what's the point. All this emotional drama has literally been catalyzed by a single glance, or as you described it, by a simple purchase at a cafe where the woman somehow 'made it known' that he had captured her attention through quiet glances. And then after deciphering so much meaning behind these quiet glances, well, the guy just goes ballistic.

"I felt suddenly lost, like I had been spinning aimlessly through a kaleidoscopic wonderland only to find something to which I might remain rooted, and then, just like that, to see it waltz back out into a sea of humanity. I became grief-stricken at the fact that I might never see this woman again. Regretful that I did not immediately rise to follow her, to find out where she lived, what she did, and above all- what her name was."

To be fair though, perhaps what I'm describing as "corny" is merely a fundamental limitation within the genre itself, in which case remind me not to read another romance ever again.

 

[SolarRay]

Thanks beerlovr88! This is a helpful perspective.

It's interesting-- I chose to work off a specific precedent (particularly in the Romance genre) for the "mad love" style of encounter that didn't work for you. (My references here were Durrell's "Justine" and Louÿs' "The Woman and the Puppet" if that means anything.) Thus the obsession triggered by a glance, the delirious pursuit of romantic salvation, Aïssa's whimsical rejections, etc. I see this more as a particular kind of stylized narrative, but the later thrust of your response leads me to believe that, at least in part, maybe it works for a smaller and specialized audience -- perhaps not one that's drawn here? Of course your point about 'little things' is well taken. Even to the extent that there is an audience anywhere from forgiving-toward to interested-in this type of story, it must be clean and well executed. Things to think about.

Thanks again for taking the time to give it a read and for sharing your thoughts!

 

[NotWise]

The low number of views could just mean that your title and short description didn't pull people in. There could have been other things: popular authors posting stories at the same time, low traffic, an initial low score, etc. Given the low number of views, the low number of votes isn't at all surprising.

I enjoyed your experiment with richer language, but only up to a point. I didn't get to the bottom of the first page before I felt like I was wading in words, many of which did little to help me understand your characters or their story.

As you say, the score isn't bad, especially when you weigh the seemingly inevitable 1* vote that comes right away. The Romance readers can be harsh with stories that don't match their expectations, but they seem to be neither very harsh nor very accepting of your story. It may be that a "Mad Love" story is okay with them, but just not what they're looking for.

 

[Sir_Maveric]

I enjoyed your experiment with richer language, but only up to a point. I didn't get to the bottom of the first page before I felt like I was wading in words, many of which did little to help me understand your characters or their story.

Unfortunately this was my experience as well. Overwhelmed was what came to mind.

Also you left out a detail that needs to be explained. The first page you mention 'eyeliner in the typical Egyptian style.' I'm not familiar with it and I don't want to pause a story to go look it up. Might be best to quickly describe it, then accuse it of being the current style.

The transition between being on the prowl and wanting something a little more serious because of the hole left by empty encounters was a little quick. Might want to develop that further with a few 'bad nights' to set it up. 'Young, desirous, inexperienced, and undisciplined' usually doesn't change to wanting to settle for one woman quickly. There's no trigger.

All that being said, it was a breath of fresh air. Once I accepted the style, I was able to get into it and finish it. You have the romance aspect down, and the story flows. While not being the style I usually read, I am impressed.

 

[SolarRay]

Thanks NotWise, Sir_Maveric! Got it. This has been very helpful.

My conclusion then is that this style just doesn't function well in the context of literotica. I think in my head I was believing that if I made the language half as dense and detailed as, say, Durrell, then I could be a little more adventurous while at the same time becoming functional for the needs of erotica. However, even given that, if it's still overwhelming it isn't going to work here. I just needed to hear that this was the wrong way to come at it, and that it's probably best to play with in another context. I'm totally cool with that. This was an experiment to see what I can get away with, but I shall return to my usual LE style that has worked more successfully in terms of meeting expectations of the audience.

Part of me still wants to find some way to spice up the writing itself and develop more of a voice as a writer here. I guess what I may try to do, with some future story, is attempt to use some of these elements much more sparingly, as an occasional flourish only, now that I understand the need to steer clear of having it impact the overall style of writing in any way.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback!

 

[8letters]

You have 10 paragraphs before any dialog. That dialog was with an unhelpful store patron and then it was back to paragraphs of narrative summary. I'm not a Romance reader, but I'm doubtful that many Romance readers were willing to slog through so much narrative summary to finally get to an interesting scene.

 

[thewinedarksea]

I'd just like to second the opinion that your story really starts at "It happened in Café Al-Majid."

All the exposition above could be sprinkled into the narrative throughout the chapter, where relevant. Or, to be frank, most of it could be dropped entirely.

The voice has been described as pretentious, but I'd say it does a good job of conjuring a particular, somewhat hoity-toity type of character. If that's your intention, then it works just fine.