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[Lostdriver1964]

Hi.. i never know if it is good or bad when i get into the mood for writing. Maybe i'm back there again...
This is something i wrote some time ago but i did not post. I was just wondering if it is good enough to take it as a good (re)start. My previous posts and submissions were mostly little challenges, this was a little different.
Anyway, i hope for some good and honest advice

SADNESS (FALL)

Should one bless the time
when darkest desperation
turned into sadness?
Whilst the first day
was afraid of leading
everything to end,
this lonely mate now
follows my steps, towards
the ruins of an older manor,
like a shadow, a broken web
or just the friendly smile
of someone already gone.
And while the autumn winds
pass through the gates
of the reddish woods around,
the glance of the Fate
comes to the images below
mirroring itself down there
and leaving them all,
painted in death, alone
like a fragile fallen leaf.​

 

[bogusagain]

Should one bless the time
when darkest desperation
turned into sadness?
Whilst the first day
was afraid of leading
everything to end,
this lonely mate now
follows my steps, towards
the ruins of an older manor,
like a shadow, a broken web
or just the friendly smile
of someone already gone.
And while the autumn winds
pass through the gates
of the reddish woods around,
the glance of the Fate
comes to the images below
mirroring itself down there
and leaving them all,
painted in death, alone
like a fragile fallen leaf.[/CENTER]

You are making the classic era for a beginner by 'telling' not 'showing'. You need to create imagery to communicate your thoughts and feelings, not tell people your thoughts, feelings and experience.

I'm not sure what you are getting at here, it doesn't make sense to me but let me try to create an image of it.

Should one bless the time
when darkest desperation
turned into sadness?

should I bless the moment
when the veil of shadows
melted into tears of sadness?

Then you write..

Whilst the first day
was afraid of leading
everything to end,

Why was the first day afraid?


You can't just write anything, your poem has to have an internal logic and its that internal logic which allows you to write what at first glance might be anything but a good poem isn't just anything.

 

[Angeline]

I tend to agree with Bogus's advice. I really can't tell what your poem is about, some life-changing event for the narrator, some loss. Also the verb tense shifts from past to present and I can't figure out why.

You as a writer know what you mean but you've obscured it with language that doesn't say anything concrete. As a reader I don't have a chance of getting it and so the poem doesn't work.

I understand that many of the things we poets write about like loss, rejection, death, shame are painful even while the writing about them can be cathartic. It can be hard sometimes to write about things that hurt. But you have to be bold and honest in your writing in order for others to understand and for the poem to really grab readers. Otherwise you're just writing for you.

Bogus's point about internal logic is important imo. There has to be an underlying logic no matter what the poem is about. Lots of reading will help you identify how other poets do it and lead you toward your own voice.

 

[twelveoone]

SADNESS (FALL)

Should one bless the time
when darkest desperation
turned into sadness?
Whilst the first day
was afraid of leading
everything to end,
this lonely mate now
follows my steps, towards
the ruins of an older manor,
like a shadow, a broken web
or just the friendly smile
of someone already gone.
And while the autumn winds
pass through the gates
of the reddish woods around,
the glance of the Fate
comes to the images below
mirroring itself down there
and leaving them all,
painted in death, alone
like a fragile fallen leaf.

Should one bless the time when desperation I canned darkest
turned to sadness? While the first day why whilst?
was afraid of leading everything to end,
This lonely mate now follows my footsteps, you have steps, who is the lonely mate? Why are they lonely?
to the ruins of an old manor,
like a shadow, a broken web

OK what web? what are you doing here?

or just the friendly smile
of someone already gone.

A smile of someone gone, clarify

you need to clarify and tie together, some decliching, it would have helped if it wasn't centered

I changed the line length to view better, I don't think it's that bad, you have ok sound sense
manor/mirror
fragile fallen leaf
And to illustrate what Ang said
You as a writer know what you mean but you've obscured it with language that doesn't say anything concrete.

more of this:
And while the autumn winds
pass through the gates
of the reddish woods around,

a little less of this:
the glance of the Fate
comes to the images below
mirroring itself down there
and leaving them all,
painted in death, alone

and this also looks a little overdramatic and underdone, all of that said, I would like to see you work on it, there is something there
A germ I like.

 

[Lostdriver1964]

Thanks to everybody for your kind and acute answers.
I see that the main "problem" in which my words fell in are the fact they are too far away from the concrete things that stay beyond them and some sort of "cryptic" language makes that worse. I can see that, but for what is the way i like poetry, i need that it is not description but imagination, so what i really wish it could do is to evoke things and feelings in the reader's mind. They not necessarily have to be mine, but of course they have to be linked to them. I reckon that you're absolutely right when you say that a good poem must not be made for the writer's only but for other's understanding and so where i do have to work to is probably to find a good compromise between the wish i have that "things must not be fully told" and the need that "things must not be obscured by language"
I will try that then, in the hope to keep on the music sound, that, exactly like what i said above, is for me something that must be inside, always

thanks again

 

[twelveoone]

Thanks to everybody for your kind and acute answers.
I see that the main "problem" in which my words fell in are the fact they are too far away from the concrete things that stay beyond them and some sort of "cryptic" language makes that worse. I can see that, but for what is the way i like poetry, i need that it is not description but imagination, so what i really wish it could do is to evoke things and feelings in the reader's mind. They not necessarily have to be mine, but of course they have to be linked to them. I reckon that you're absolutely right when you say that a good poem must not be made for the writer's only but for other's understanding and so where i do have to work to is probably to find a good compromise between the wish i have that "things must not be fully told" and the need that "things must not be obscured by language"
I will try that then, in the hope to keep on the music sound, that, exactly like what i said above, is for me something that must be inside, always

thanks again

In a good poem, it is not what is told, but what is evoked. It is largely done by organization, aligning for effect. It is psychology. You are partway there.

 

[Lostdriver1964]

In a good poem, it is not what is told, but what is evoked. It is largely done by organization, aligning for effect. It is psychology. You are partway there.

Thank you. I'll try