Feedback Request

[BigTexan]

Hi Ya'll!

I would love some good, honest, constructive feedback on my first story
"Like Mother Like Daughter"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65706

Thanks

BigTexan

 

[Madame Manga]

Commenting as I read...

That's a good hook--a man crying in public. Somewhat unusual, and it makes me want to know why he's so distraught.

You have some words missing or transposed here and there.

How alone would he be once he got home.

How alone he would be once he got home.

That's an incomplete sentence, but I don't mind those in fiction. Some editors freak over them; when well used, they convey rapid action or thought in a perfectly understandable way, IMO.

Next sentence is missing a word, and "eyes" is used twice.

The image of his wife burned in eyes and the tears rolled from his eyes again.

The image of his wife burned in his eyes and the tears rolled down his face again.

This seems to be a recurring problem--words repeated in a sentence or in the next. I have trouble with that one too! Sometimes I don't spot it until the story has been posted for months.

How could he have been unfaithful to the best woman he'd ever met.

Omitted question mark.

She needed a ride, he needed a miracle.

Good line. Sums up his dilemma nicely.

It's obvious who Trisha is from the moment you describe her as looking almost exactly like his wife, especially given the title as a clue. If you want it to remain a mystery a little longer, you might have to tone down that description!

The word "drug" occurs at least twice as a dialect variant for "dragged". It doesn't fit with the rest of the narration, as it's largely in standard English. I'm aware that the guy is a Texan ;-) but in my opinion you need to write the story entirely in his voice if you want to narrate in dialect.

Lots of comma splices. Here are a couple of examples.

Flowing red hair, pure white skin, a faint sprinkling of freckles on her face, she was so beautiful.

She was beautiful: flowing red hair, pure white skin with a faint sprinkling of freckles.

Damn she was lovely, thirty-four years had done nothing to fade her beauty.

Damn, she was lovely; thirty-four years had not faded her beauty.

The sex, at least the first scene, is pretty darn hot! I felt distinctly warm while reading it. ;-)

Suddenly he felt his cock swell and then erupt into her ass. She felt it too and bit his finger hard as her own orgasm sent electric spasms through her body.

A POV switch occurs within the paragraph. Those are a pet peeve of mine. ;-) Just omit "she felt it too" and you have no problem.

They stayed there, him clinging to her, exhausted and spent. She gently sucking his finger and moaning softly as his cock softened and slipped from her ass.

"Exhausted" and "spent" mean the same thing; pick one and cut the other. Your verbs don't agree:

She sucked his finger gently and moaned softly as his cock softened and slipped from her ass.

I enjoy anal, but the complete lack of lube really stretches credibility, so to speak. I don't think an anal scene loses any spontaneity with a little preparation--I could enjoy reading about her ass-pounding much more if I wasn't thinking about how much that would hurt!

I'm getting a sense of the characters--they aren't generic people. They have some past and some personal quirks that lets me see them as individuals. However, the basic premise of the story makes me boggle a little. ;-) I realize that this is a fantasy, but since I am not into either f/f or incest, I didn't make much of an effort to get into the swing of things. I skimmed over most of the rest of the story once the gals got dirty.

In general, this is a well-written and well-formatted story. Most of the grammatical errors are minor, you keep your POVs straight nearly all of the time, and there's a logical sequence of events (given the premise). The descriptions are vivid and I get a clear picture of what's going on. All you really need, IMO, is a little more attention to punctuation and word choice. Good job overall.

MM

 

[BigTexan]

Thank you MM. I appreciate your comments very much. Guess I should have gone over the story a couple more times. Now that you point them out to me, the errors are so obvious. I don't know how I could have missed them.

Do all authors suffer this? How can I be a more effective editor?

Maybe I'll ask this question over in the Authors hangout.

Thanks again. Your comments were fantastic and I am grateful you took the time to give me such wonderful feedback.

BigTexan

PS
About "Drug" instead of "Dragged" I guess that was because I'm a Texan too. I really didn't know it was wrong. Now I do.

 

[Pookie]

The one thing I try to force myself to do before posting a story is to let it sit for a few days at least. The longer the better. I still miss things that catch later. My fiancee wonders why I abuse my poor head after I begin posting. It looks so obvious when you read it later, making you wonder how you could have so easily missed it to begin with.

I would recommend letting someone who has done editing in the past take a look at it. I do that with mine when I can.

A nice story. Just work on tightening up different areas.

 

[sirhugs]

I found the gratuitous profanity and raw sexual terms at odds with the sensitivity you ascribe to your protagonist. This made the story unbelievable to me.

The " How to" category on the Story Index has some good tips about this issue- some stories need one tone, others another. You seem to mix romantic and harsh, and that grates on my "ear".

I think you could use more dialogue sooner, to hold your readers and draw them into the story. When you do use dialogue, it seems cliche filled. Again, this costs you credibility. no one I know talks like your characters.

I thought the " revalation" that Linda was trisha's mom was a bit drawn out. same for the build up to the mom/daughter sex scene.

I agree, however, that with practice, you show great promise. You had a nice plot, good variety in the sex scenes, and a sweet ending. I look forward to your next submission.

 

[BigTexan]

Thanks Pookie_grrl and sirhugs.

I appreciate your comments and suggestions. These are exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for.

Now back to working on my next story


BigTexan

 

[damppanties]

lovely story!

Most of everything has been said, but I'll just add what I think too. I'm writing this as I am reading your story.

You use the word ‘fuck’ a LOT. You use it in dialogue too much, you use it to convey that ‘he had really fucked up.’

“sucking his finger between her lips and letting her tongue swath over it.”

Ok, I don’t know what ‘swath’ means so I checked it up in the dictionary and it says:
swath (sw th, swôth) also swathe (sw th, swôth, sw th)
n.
1.
a. The width of a scythe stroke or a mowing-machine blade.
b. A path of this width made in mowing.
c. The mown grass or grain lying on such a path.
2. Something likened to a swath; a strip.

And I still don’t get it… did you mean it that way?

I loved the way you showed us Mark’s thought processes. I particularly liked He wondered how long before she tired of him and the thought made his eyebrows knit together.

I didn’t get a good feel for Trisha’s character at all. When you said – for such a little hellion in bed, she was the sweetest and kindest woman he'd ever known. – I didn’t feel she was either sweet or kind.

The best part of your story is definitely the first half. I somehow lost interest when Trisha and Linda got together.

Ok, I finished. Its a great story. But, as sirhugs pointed out, there were times I felt that the characters you were describing were a little contradictory. They weren't very consistent throughout the story.

Great potential and with a little more effort you can do better. I'd like to see more from you. Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[BigTexan]

Thanks DP,

I appreciate your comments. All this feedback is terrific! I just hope I can make my next story enough better to satisfy

BigTexan