Feedback Request: Trained to Face Fuck

[girlatheart]

This is my first submission, and honestly my first story, and any feedback would be really appreciated. I am looking to develop my writing and could use the support.

Thanks,
Kim

https://www.literotica.com/s/trained-to-facefuck

 

[Bramblethorn]

This is my first submission, and honestly my first story, and any feedback would be really appreciated. I am looking to develop my writing and could use the support.

Thanks,
Kim

https://www.literotica.com/s/trained-to-facefuck

Hi, congrats on posting! The genre isn't one that I read much so I can't give feedback on how it works as a story overall, but I did notice some technical points.

You've written this in second-person perspective ("you walk in after a day in the office"). A lot of readers dislike second-person stories; unless it's something like a roleplay or interactive story where they get a choice, readers don't much like being told what they're doing.

"pink full lips" - adjectives describing size and shape generally come before those describing colour. More detail here: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/adjectives-order

"Is everything ok Sir?" ..."No, just happy to be home and see my favorite girl," - shouldn't that "No" be "Yes"? Otherwise he's telling her that things AREN'T OK.

Several editing glitches/typos, e.g. "There is no for lip gloss", "Face still not an inch the cold hardwood", "Her eyes widen and a lump slides down her narrow new". These are hard to spot when checking your own story; best option is to find an editor or beta reader to check before you post.

"I would much rather spend the day with you then sitting home alone" - should be "than".

"You regrettably say" - I think "regretfully" is the word you're looking for here. "regrettably" is something that you shouldn't do, "regretfully" is something you don't want to do.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Kim,

Your comments so far say it for you.

Writing second-person is very difficult to do. No, I did not do any of those things, I didn't think any of those thoughts. Not a single one. Please don't tell me what I'm thinking - you get the drift? Three paragraphs in, and I was out of the story.

There have been threads elsewhere in Authors Hangout (AH) that chat about the pros and cons of all the narrative styles. The consensus is that second-person is rarely done well, first-person is the most intimate, third-person the most flexible, and so on.

For example, I'm mostly a first-person writer, generally because my male narrators tend to be bits of me or all me. A fellow writer, who almost exclusively uses third-person POV, said, "I can never write like that. It's too intimate, I just want to close the door." If I used third-person, my narrators would become too remote, too impersonal - hell, some of my first person narrators have been accused of cynicism and distance! Mind you, my style has also been described as "whiskey by a log fire," so there's the balance.

Proof read, proof read, proof read. Write it, put it away for several days, come back and proof it, properly. Silly mistakes, avoidable ones (we all make them, so don't panic) are scattered through the bits I did read. Occasional mistakes don't matter (if the story is compelling, readers will keep going); but if sloppy editorial and grammatical mistakes are there, right up front, they can start to niggle and annoy.

Sometimes, these mistakes can be part of the charm of a new writer because they're give-aways of the excitement and enthusiasm of someone discovering the joys of writing. Eventually though, you've got to knuckle down and get rid of the writing errors - there's a big difference between 'style quirks' and 'editorial corrections'.

It's not easy to proof your own writing (time away from the text is usually best, so you can read with fresher eyes), so it might be easier to find an editor.

Don't stop writing. Keep working at it and you'll soon start to find your own voice, work out what kind of writer you are, figure out why you're writing in the first place. Here on Lit, you'll also need to figure your response to comments, scores, reader reactions etc... Again, there ate several threads in AH that chat about that.

Most important thing? Enjoy yourself, don't take it too seriously, don't take yourself too seriously. You'll always find readers - it's what you do with them that counts!

 

[NotWise]

One thing you can do to help yourself proof your own writing is to read it aloud. That makes you pay attention to every word. It helps even more if you can print out the copy you read.

 

[HushHushCrush]

2nd person is a difficult choice, as a couple of people have mentioned. My big criticism would be that your characters both sound a little bored. The guy sounds kind of smug and the girl just sounds like she's trying to impress him, but there isn't a clear reason why.
One question to ask yourself is: why is this an important moment in the lives of these characters in particular? We can find descriptions of these sex acts anywhere, but you're the only one who knows why this girl wants to do it with this guy. I'd love to read that story.

 

[girlatheart]

Thank you to everyone for the great advice. I am full of ideas on how to try and rework this story.

Kim

 

[blin18]

For my own recent writing (85k words), I copy edited my own work twice using the wait and read method, finding many errors. I then gave it to three thorough copy editors, each of whom found a small number of different errors. I then used the text to speech feature on Word to listen to the story and found more - mostly missing commas and misspelled words that the spell checker didn't detect.

It was pristine. I published.

Just reread it last week for my own enjoyment. Found 2 grammar errors that I missed in the read aloud. Sigh.

I really recommend text to speech. If I use it before I send to the copy editors then they find virtually nothing.

 

[Bramblethorn]

For my own recent writing (85k words), I copy edited my own work twice using the wait and read method, finding many errors. I then gave it to three thorough copy editors, each of whom found a small number of different errors. I then used the text to speech feature on Word to listen to the story and found more - mostly missing commas and misspelled words that the spell checker didn't detect.

It was pristine. I published.

Just reread it last week for my own enjoyment. Found 2 grammar errors that I missed in the read aloud. Sigh.

I really recommend text to speech. If I use it before I send to the copy editors then they find virtually nothing.

Paying to get a hardcopy professionally bound will usually allow you to find a few more errors

 

[blin18]

Paying to get a hardcopy professionally bound will usually allow you to find a few more errors

Made me laugh. I'm tempted to do it just so I can find those last lingering errors.

 

[sr71plt]

Made me laugh. I'm tempted to do it just so I can find those last lingering errors.

And how would having your work professionally bound do that? Were you thinking that a bindery does anything more than put it between two covers?

 

[blin18]

And how would having your work professionally bound do that? Where you thinking that a bindery does anything more than put it between two covers?

It was just a joke. Like Murphy's Law. You could use all of the copy editing methods mentioned in this thread and more, but the second you commit (eg. Money), fickle fate will dictate that the random page you flick to contains an easily spotted error that somehow evaded all other proofing methods.

I concede that it's less funny when you explain it, but I enjoyed the joke first time round and wanted to share a laugh with Bramblethorn.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It was just a joke. Like Murphy's Law. You could use all of the copy editing methods mentioned in this thread and more, but the second you commit (eg. Money), fickle fate will dictate that the random page you flick to contains an easily spotted error that somehow evaded all other proofing methods.

Yep, this. Despite careful proofing beforehand, this is exactly what happened the first time I opened the bound copy of my undergrad thesis. This is why the doctoral thesis stays on the shelf, pristine and unopened.

(I'm well aware that binding and proofing are separate functions; my second job is in academic publishing.)

 

[sr71plt]

There's no such thing as perfect copy. Never has been. And this isn't the New Yorker.

 

[lovecraft68]

It was just a joke. Like Murphy's Law. You could use all of the copy editing methods mentioned in this thread and more, but the second you commit (eg. Money), fickle fate will dictate that the random page you flick to contains an easily spotted error that somehow evaded all other proofing methods.

I concede that it's less funny when you explain it, but I enjoyed the joke first time round and wanted to share a laugh with Bramblethorn.

Murphy's law is the perfect way to put it. The one word spelled wrong out of a thousand will e what someone's eyes immediately fall on.

 

[HushHushCrush]

There's no such thing as perfect copy. Never has been.

This. And are spelling and punctuation really the fatal flaws in most of our stories? I'll take a good story with a lot of copy errors over a boring or half-baked idea any day. I can't get off on correct punctuation.

 

[Areala-chan]

Murphy's law is the perfect way to put it. The one word spelled wrong out of a thousand will e what someone's eyes immediately fall on.

I've no idea if you did that deliberately or on accident, but either way: well played, sir.

 

[Bramblethorn]

This. And are spelling and punctuation really the fatal flaws in most of our stories? I'll take a good story with a lot of copy errors over a boring or half-baked idea any day. I can't get off on correct punctuation.

I can't get off on a good story if copy errors get in the way. Frequent errors become very distracting; they pull me out of the story and break my immersion. It makes it much more laborious to read and much less fun.

If I had to choose between a good story with lots of copy errors, and a bad story without... I wouldn't read either. I'd go look for a good story without lots of copy errors, because that's the only kind I'm going to enjoy, and it's less effort for me to find it than it is to struggle through the error-riddled ones.

 

[sr71plt]

A lot of errors is usually a lot different from copy that isn't perfect. If you review a story five times and then have two copy editors go over it, you're likely to be beating all of the life out of the story.

 

[lovecraft68]

I've no idea if you did that deliberately or on accident, but either way: well played, sir.