Feedback request - The Hike

[MyWords2345]

New writer posting my very story on Literotica.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-hike-33

Girl going hiking with a boyfriend and then ...

It is in the 'Non-consent/Reluctance' category so *something happened on the hike, which I hope is entertaining to the readers.

Looking for comments and constructive criticism on my first story.

Thank you.

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

it was okay. SPOILERS AHEAD!
First, the scene is weird, a hike up into snowy mountains with the intent to fuck and he didn't bring a blanket? seems too cold for a naked fuck, he should've planned better. I can't get into a scene that sounds that uncomfortable. Also, you say 'early spring' but it had been a few months...college starts in September, so it should be fall.

Then the NC/R:

Tracy was startled, screaming, "Let me up! Let me up!"
Adam held her down and said "Relax Tracy, just stay where you are and enjoy the fun."

and that was it for the reluctance. NC/R I would expect more R at a minimum, this was group sex.

Sam and Harry had some good elements, but the whole 'she's so into it she doesn't notice two guys standing next to her' is far fetched. Never mind not noticing that there are now four hands in play.

also 'one shot Adam' gets off 3 times, Sam and Harry one each, seems like you could have rearranged that.

She's so well fucked she passes out? For a long time? Nah.

The 'pain play' is weak. She's bent over a tree trunk (presumably one that has been sawn off flat, though you don't say that), her nipples somehow graze bark. That won't be painful. A random slap of the ass won't be painful either.

The biggest issue I had was that you head hop. Now, with 3 guys and a girl you've got a lot to cover, but stay in one person's head, don't bounce around.

 

[MyWords2345]

Just hop over it

Someone had comment he couldn't imagine how the men were able to get around the tree trunk when they switched positions. Found a picture showing how easily that could be accomplished. Just hop over it. Read the story if you don't know what I am saying.

Also ... imagine snow on the ground.

https://media.eroticasearch.net/3cb/3cb5a597159446393d31505dbed93bee.jpg

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

Someone had comment he couldn't imagine how the men were able to get around the tree trunk when they switched positions. Found a picture showing how easily that could be accomplished. Just hop over it. Read the story if you don't know what I am saying.

Except you say, top of page 2 " the two friends switched; Harry would pull out from Tracy's mouth, walk around to replace Sam's cock with his own. "

So you can see, pants around the ankles or not, walking around a fallen tree would be awkward at best. Minor wording change!

 

[MyWords2345]

Easily stepped over

Except you say, top of page 2 " the two friends switched; Harry would pull out from Tracy's mouth, walk around to replace Sam's cock with his own. "

So you can see, pants around the ankles or not, walking around a fallen tree would be awkward at best. Minor wording change!

Sorry, no pants around the ankles. This is the paragraph in the story.

=====
Luckily this time, Sam had already taken off his pants ready to take Adam's place. As Adam stumbled back, he watched as Sam step up to plunge his cock into Tracy's welcoming, just fucked pussy.
...
Harry, following Sam's example, loosened his belt and dropped his pants, somehow managing to keep his cock inside Tracy's mouth. Luckily he was wearing wide leg pants, as he stepped out of them still in his boots.
=====

 

[Wifetheif]

New writer posting my very story on Literotica.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-hike-33

Girl going hiking with a boyfriend and then ...

It is in the 'Non-consent/Reluctance' category so *something happened on the hike, which I hope is entertaining to the readers.

Looking for comments and constructive criticism on my first story.

Thank you.

Well, it's basically by the numbers without much dialogue. I have no problems with the basic ins and outs -- hunters might come across a rutting couple, but this really has no pizazz. It's dramatically correct but has almost no soul. Starting in media res would make this a better story, backfilling the hike as incidental to getting down to business. The gal is submissive, sure, but she doesn't know these guys from Adam (pardon the pun) She's going to have SOME reaction before she realizes that a gang bang is exactly what she wants. A simple introduction from the guys, even hookers and Johns use names, even if they're fake. No one says "Hey hooker, suck my cock!" (not if they want a decent blowjob). Maybe Adam and the babe have talked about gang bangs in the past but neither of them saw how it could transpire. Hot wives and orgies usually start with an idea and dipping toes in the pool first before swimming. An internal dialogue from the babe's perspective could cure this or a flashback to an earlier conversation. They both suddenly realise that fate has answered their prayers -- then it is bone away!

 

[MyWords2345]

Great feedback

Well, it's basically by the numbers without much dialogue. I have no problems with the basic ins and outs -- hunters might come across a rutting couple, but this really has no pizazz. It's dramatically correct but has almost no soul. Starting in media res would make this a better story, backfilling the hike as incidental to getting down to business. The gal is submissive, sure, but she doesn't know these guys from Adam (pardon the pun) She's going to have SOME reaction before she realizes that a gang bang is exactly what she wants. A simple introduction from the guys, even hookers and Johns use names, even if they're fake. No one says "Hey hooker, suck my cock!" (not if they want a decent blowjob). Maybe Adam and the babe have talked about gang bangs in the past but neither of them saw how it could transpire. Hot wives and orgies usually start with an idea and dipping toes in the pool first before swimming. An internal dialogue from the babe's perspective could cure this or a flashback to an earlier conversation. They both suddenly realise that fate has answered their prayers -- then it is bone away!

Thank you for the comments, Wifethrif.

Wasn't quite sure which category to place the story. The reluctant/non-consent was somewhat weak, which I agreed. Did go through with the thought process in Adam, but definitely there should have more on Tracy's side. May be Adam was not an attentive lover and she was looking for more would have helped the storyline.

Some dialogue with the men, Adam and Tracy when she first struggled to get up to finally giving in should have been there. I see what you said about some reactions besides the men sliding in and then taking over with Tracy. That would have worked the reluctant theme category.

Exactly the feedback I was looking for on my first story submission.

Thank you very much.