Feedback Request Please

[lori Annette]

This is my first sory that I have submitted. I would love to here some feedback and sugestions on the story. Thank you for your time.

Lori

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=92545

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hey,

Feedback: It seems like a solid start to a story, it's erotic in a languid kind of way which is in my opinion a good thing. It reads more like the intro to a story than a complete story though. It needs some more sex and a little more developement of the characters.

There are few odd turns of words:

Ex.

"It's so hot in here" Emily joyfully said with a pouting smile. She took off her shoes and began to take off her top.

That reads kind of awkwardly. I would take out joyfully.

I didn't see any major problems with typos or spelling or grammar, but I'll leave the technical stuff to the experts

As to suggestions:

1) I would really suggest carrying the story back to the couple's appartment. The opening is good but it begs a solid sex scene to follow.

2) I also suggest a little more background on Mandy. You could make her a much more engaeing character with a few words about her as well as set up her sexual interest in Emily.

3) You should give a little of her feeling when Emily's nipples pops into her mouth, even if it's fleeting. You cut to the workmen without giving her a moment to experience it.

Over all I think it was very good, just not long enough. Of coursemine run too long, so if you can strike a happy medium you should be A-Okay.

-Colly

 

[*Catbabe*]

Lori Annette,

Congrats on posting your first story. I can tell that you approached your story with a lot of enthusiasm.

In my opinion, The Tease, has two main weaknesses.

Your first paragraph contained almost nothing structurally or content wise that would hook a reader in and keep them reading until the end. You used very simple sentence structure and repeated it as you delivered fairly unremarkable information to the reader. Instead of being lulled along by the story, the reader feels like they are receving news bulletins. Eg. They lived on the same floor. She saw them everyday. They looked happy.
If you spend too much time telling the reader about the characters you slow down the pace of the story and people just won't finish it.

My second criticism is the actual story line itself. Even in a short story there should be some points where the reader is unsure of what is about to happen or what a character will do. You titled the story the tease but there was absolutely no teasing in the story. There was no conflict or suspense. We never wondered or cared if she was going to take her clothes off because she started taking them off without much hesitation. We never worried that they were going to get caught because you resolved the problem so quickly.

Okay, I guess I also have a third point. Your punctuation needs some work. I would recommend reading up on how to properly punctuate, especially in dialogue and having an editor look over your next submission before you post it.

Of course all of that is just my opinion.

Best of luck,
Cat

 

[Kavanaugh]

Hello,
I have to agree with the other posters about your story, although I have to admit that I did enjoy reading it. It seems to me that you call it "The Tease" because that's what this story is--it's a tease. I read it and want more. That's actually a good thing, meaning that I will want to read what comes next, assuming there is a follow up to this story.
I like the characters, and would like to read more with them. You have a great opportunity here to create more stories with these characters. The brief elevator scene was a good start. I want to know what's next with Mandy and the couple upstairs.

If you leave the reader wanting more, then you're off to a good start.

 

[lori Annette]

Thanks

Thank you for all your comments. i will keep all of it mind when writing again and will take another look at the story. Great critisism.

Lori