BourbonBrie
Virgin
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2021
- Posts
- 6
Feedback request on first story
.........................................
.........................................
Last edited:
Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.
Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.
Hi everyone! New here, a friend told me about this site when I mentioned I wanted to start writing erotic short stories, after talking about it for years.
If you have the time, please check out my 4700 word story here and comment what you think, either here on this thread, or there on the story! Thanks so much, appreciate it and happy to be here reading all these wonderful stories!
https://www.literotica.com/s/bourbon-kisses
I gave you the first comment. I thought it was pretty intense and a good first story. In the beginning, it seemed slightly disjointed, as if the writer was matching shots with the characters. I have been accused of rambling on some of my stories, so I recognize that trait. Whatever happened to Matt? I personally like it when the main characters act a little slutty myself, but be prepared if some comments are negative. Again speaking from experience. Looking forward to more of your stories. RT
I liked the story. I noticed a few very long sentences, and at least one place where it should have started a new paragraph. While those won't change the storyline, sometimes they can be a distractor.
Others on here will probably recommend the same: Check out using asking an editor to review before posting. That might add another week or more after you think the story is ready. But they've helped me with some great advice.
I gave it a 4.
I slung you a five for enthusiasm. The story barrelled along and was sexy, the girls both nicely portrayed. It read like a quick chick flick, honest and fun. Girls in bars hanging out with each other, really.
Tidy up your edits, and I'd suggest shorter paragraphs, but other than that, a good first shot. With salt and lemon.
Just a suggestion. It's best to distinguish dialogue, in double quote marks, from unspoken thoughts. The effect of using quote marks for Kacey's thoughts could make the reader think she'd blurted out her intentions for Ben while Chloe was right there. In theory that confusion could be a turnon for a reader, but my guess is this isn't what you intended.Hi everyone! New here, a friend told me about this site when I mentioned I wanted to start writing erotic short stories, after talking about it for years.
I had a lot of fun writing this one, though feel like there is maybe too much lead-up to the actual sex stuff. Maybe boring? I have a few followers and favourites which is so great, didn't think I'd even get a read! So that's encouraging. No comments though, and I'd really love to know what I can improve on, or what was good, for future works!
If you have the time, please check out my 4700 word story here and comment what you think, either here on this thread, or there on the story! Thanks so much, appreciate it and happy to be here reading all these wonderful stories!
https://www.literotica.com/s/bourbon-kisses
Just a suggestion. It's best to distinguish dialogue, in double quote marks, from unspoken thoughts. The effect of using quote marks for Kacey's thoughts could make the reader think she'd blurted out her intentions for Ben while Chloe was right there. In theory that confusion could be a turnon for a reader, but my guess is this isn't what you intended.
There are two ways to avoid this. Since the story is Kacey's narration, you could have her include her thoughts as part of the narrative, like her descriptions of what she sees and what people are doing. Also, in stories that aren't first-person, you could show thoughts in italics. In both cases, you would not need quote marks.
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5116173&page=submissions
Lit runs a house style for all stories. You don't get any say - it's left justified, no indents, a default font. You can bold, underline, italics, and a few other html coded things, but generally speaking, you provide the words, Lit standardises the presentation.Thank you! Yes, I would normally use Italics and had when I wrote this in Word... when I transferred it to publish, I didn't see anywhere to format anything..not even indented paragraphs. Maybe I'm missing instructions somewhere for proper formatting here??
Thank you! Yes, I would normally use Italics and had when I wrote this in Word... when I transferred it to publish, I didn't see anywhere to format anything..not even indented paragraphs. Maybe I'm missing instructions somewhere for proper formatting here??
I really enjoyed your story and thank you for taking the time to write it and have it published on this website. The below comments are meant to be helpful and not intended to offend you.
I got a vivid sense of Kace’s desire for Ben and Ben’s desire for Kace. That is, obviously, so important, because if the main characters in a story don’t desire each other, than an erotic story just isn’t going to work as an erotic story.
You mentioned in your opening post that you thought there may be too much lead up to the actual sex stuff. I disagree. I would add even more lead up material before the actual sex. Don’t add filler though; add seduction and as much tension as possible.
If there is sexual tension between the characters, then you really want to unpack and express that sexual tension in your writing. Some writers out there develop characters, put them together in a situation and then cut short the verbal exchange, the body language, and the action taking place between the characters far too quickly. People are suddenly just having sex. It is the seduction. It is the flirtation which builds the story. The sex is just the explosion at the end, after the characters have wound themselves up and up and up and you, the writer, have wound the reader up and up and up.
I tend to write in this way: the completed story has been written in 2 basic parts. The first part is what happened before the sex; the second part is the sex. Anything which happens after the sex really isn’t that important to me. I tend to spend a lot of time working on the dialogue and body language between characters, who are seducing and being seduced, before they ever get into bed. That pre-sex game play between the characters is very hot, but can be tricky to write.
In regards to the characters: I liked the characters, but I got confused by their ages. At first I thought Chloe and Kace were in their early 20’s. Then I learnt Kace had a sexual affair with Ben ten years ago and I think Ben had grey in his beard? That suggests the characters are at least in their 30s or even older. They were fun characters – bouncy and boozy, but they didn’t come across as people in their 30s and older. The characters came across as much younger - living the life of someone much younger and acting as if they hadn’t accumulated much in the way of an older person’s life experiences and responsibilities.
One final point, I would make: the way the story opened with Chloe needing to tell Kace something important didn’t feel right with me. It felt awkward. Then 2 chunky paragraphs blundered in between this urgent thing Chloe needed to tell Kace and the two characters actually beginning to unpack and explore that thing, which Chloe tells Kace. I’m sort of surprised as well - Kace and Chloe are good friends and yet Kace hasn’t met “Matt” yet?
In the end though – you are a good writer – keep at it!
Thank you! Yes, I would normally use Italics and had when I wrote this in Word... when I transferred it to publish, I didn't see anywhere to format anything..not even indented paragraphs. Maybe I'm missing instructions somewhere for proper formatting here??
Lit does not use indentation
For Italics start each sections with <i> and end it with </i> and that will make it appear in italics in the story