Feedback request from a long time RPer, first time writer

[Apollo Wilde]

Hello, all -

I've role-played for years on the Sexual Role Playing board, but have decided to turn my attention (some, not all!) to writing erotica. Not that long ago, I wrote my first story and posted it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/tete-de-negresse

I'd love some feedback on it. What you liked, what you didn't like, what spoke to you, what didn't. What can I do better?

I knew that when I sat down and wrote it, it wouldn't appeal to everyone (historical fiction can be that way, as well as interracial, I find, is always a hit-or-miss subject, especially with how it's handled), and the fact that it's new with not that many views isn't a huge concern to me, either.

I'd like to know if the story speaks to you, if that makes sense. Did it make you ask questions or wonder?

-A.

 

[robertreams]

I liked the ATTEMPT to cross time with the current masturbation and the enchantment with the woman's black tits in previous encounters. but, even within a certain time frame, you switch tenses so often it gave me whiplash. Commas and periods fly around without apparent supervision. The overall effect is of a document most difficult to read. Did you attempt to re-read and edit? Even if you did, you are in dire need of an editor. It could have been soooo hot. . . .

 

[Apollo Wilde]

I liked the ATTEMPT to cross time with the current masturbation and the enchantment with the woman's black tits in previous encounters. but, even within a certain time frame, you switch tenses so often it gave me whiplash. Commas and periods fly around without apparent supervision. The overall effect is of a document most difficult to read. Did you attempt to re-read and edit? Even if you did, you are in dire need of an editor. It could have been soooo hot. . . .

This was a raw attempt, so I knew that editing would be needed. Essentially, my primary concern was if the material was engaging. The run that I have currently is to test the waters.

-A.

 

[Apollo Wilde]

Mmm, while I'm at it -

I received feedback, that, unfortunately, I'm unable to send a response back to the author of said feedback as their email address no longer seems valid.

I can't say that I'm horrifically surprised, but as he (or she) went out of their way to point out that in French "tete" means "head," I thought I would post my response here for anyone else who may be confused:

"Tete de Negresse" - they were, actually, a kind of earring that was popular in 1700s / 1800s France. While I'm aware that "tete" is usually meant to mean "head", I'm using the historical name of these earrings, with the understanding that "Tete" is more than likely slang for "breast", similar to how "cock" isn't always in reference to a bird.

Here's what the earrings looked like: http://lapetitefrancaise.paris/bijo...oucles-d-oreilles-tete-negresse-plaque-or.jpg

-A.

 

[robertreams]

but I saw no mention of earrings in the story?

and they are gold, not black????

 

[Iceprincess12]

I read this earlier today and didn't have time to post a review. This will be short and sweet. I enjoyed the "wishful fantasy" as he thought about her breasts. It makes the flowery language and flow of his thoughts fit well together. I think it may be a bit much though. I would like more story so his thought sequences stand out more. Right now, I feel almost as if most of the story was his fantasy and it diminished his masturbation. I can barely recall it.

Overall it was nice to read a different style of story.

 

[LWulf]

Mmm, while I'm at it -

I received feedback, that, unfortunately, I'm unable to send a response back to the author of said feedback as their email address no longer seems valid.

I can't say that I'm horrifically surprised, but as he (or she) went out of their way to point out that in French "tete" means "head," I thought I would post my response here for anyone else who may be confused:

"Tete de Negresse" - they were, actually, a kind of earring that was popular in 1700s / 1800s France. While I'm aware that "tete" is usually meant to mean "head", I'm using the historical name of these earrings, with the understanding that "Tete" is more than likely slang for "breast", similar to how "cock" isn't always in reference to a bird.

Here's what the earrings looked like: http://lapetitefrancaise.paris/bijo...oucles-d-oreilles-tete-negresse-plaque-or.jpg

-A.

less slang, more proper term. Teat(s) is English and refers to breasts/nipple. which derives from old french "Tête" (which in turn may be descended from Germanic origin). In old French, the term Tête also refers to breasts, though it also refers to "head" nowadays/still(?).

In Wyoming, there is the Grand Tetons mountain range, which were named by early French explorers who named them "Les Trois Tetons," or "the three breasts."

As for the story itself, it was a little short for my tastes. it was also very symbolic and had a lot of metaphysicality to it which I generally try to avoid. In short, not a story I would read normally. Not saying it isn't descriptive and that someone who looks for that sort of thing wouldn't totally gronk on it too. Just not my tastes.

I think the customer might have been too gung ho in her interests of the new jewelry. The designer might have better portrayed as politely seducing the customer by alluring to her wish to attract her suitors to interests in her ear, whispering sweet nothings as the suitor admires the Tête de Négresse displayed prominently. Making the customer WANT, and then in the end, buying it.