Feedback Request: "David"

[andy_charles]

Please let me know what you think of my new short story, my first foray into slightly weirder, Non-Human territory. All constructive comments welcome!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=489079&page=1

 

[litfan10]

Hey Andy!

"David" was an excellent read I found. By knowing walking in to the story that it was nonhuman right away gave an air of 'what is going on' which created a wonderful level of suspense that I think would have been lost if I didn't have this knowledge. This looking for the 'real' story was more satisfying than being surprised when the typical erotic coupling, her impending seduction of Troy, went awry.
Next as is nature for you this has a strong sophisticated sense to it, kind of high class through your details and the word usage as well as the calibre of the characters. Everything is classy - and that worked well.
Next the magic element through "Di" was brought in at the perfect time and just gave the right nudge to that subconscious mind that already knew that all was not what it seemed. Since you went personal here as well you did not fall into the common trap of overkilling the moment. Nicely done.
Charlotte was a very well developed character which was important given the understanding of why the ending was what it was. You clearly developed your character with a lot of thought and it paid off well.

I had three slight negatives and all three are quibbles which should be taken as such. Also I am writing this after only one read through so it might even be poor reading on my part.
First, Troy and probably Mike knew Charlotte was in the building. Why did they "come out" so out in public for her to find? That threw me. Maybe they were so impassioned in the moment that they forgot but that seems really careless on their part which nags me as not in character. I think an arm in arm confrontation would have been more realistic and potentially have pissed her off to the same degree still leading to the necessary events.
Second, I think it was brilliant that you picked the artistic piece that you did and used it perfectly. Once she broke it my mind was horribly distracted by the "does this jive with what it really looks like" thoughts as well as mentally projecting the real image into the story and twisting it to fit. I found that I distracted myself with the visuals you set up. But I have no idea how I would fix this, maybe key in on the descriptions stronger to keep the focus. I am not sure.
Finally, a plus becomes a slight disadvantage, you have a masterful sense of sophistication and description, and you brought it into the story well; however, at times it was slightly to the detriment of the pacing; I found a slight, mind you only slight (quibble), bog down when the Italians were brought in, the lingerie hunt in apartment and her search for the missing Troy in the Gallery. None of these moments even remotely threw me from the story but they did drag me a bit.
Ultimately, you have every right to be extremely proud of your accomplishment as you have written a marvelous story. It is an incredibly clever and original concept that was given the masterful writing it deserved.
Bravo, Andy! well done!

 

[jiskitten]

Without even seeing your post I stumbled upon "David" earlier this morning and left you some feedback. It was a great read, inventive and thoughtfully crafted. The Troy/Mike twist was nice, I hadn't seen that coming, which is always a welcome surprise. Good job.