feedback request - An Evening Alone

[redice]

With all the wonderful feedback I have read, I would like to ask the members if they would please give me the same for my story.

An Evening Alone

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=157201

 

[doormouse]

I don't normally do this... sorry

The day's work is done(Fullstop) (T)the tension and stress produced from a hectic day is gradually swept away with a warm relaxing shower. You enjoy the warm droplets of water as it soothingly trickles down the(your) body(comma) producing a ticklish sensation against the skin,(semi-colon) almost reminiscent of a tender massage with a silky smooth feather slowly moving down the body. Causing the muscles to lightly shiver then relax leaving a light warm sensation.(This isn't a sentence) A warm feeling of contentment slowly flows over the(your) body as you watch(feel) the worries of the day's events slowly disappearing down the drain at your feet.

You have a good little story there. Shame you didn't send it to an editor first.

You, and I'm really sorry to say, are going to cop a LOT of negative comments. Not because of your story, but because of the poor grammar.

Sorry to be so ruthless. They're a tough crowd to please. I've learned and cringe at my earlier stories.

We've all been there.

We're all guilty of writing a story and clicking submit without going back to our story a week or so later and reading what we've actually written.

Do yourself and your story a favor and send it to an editor. Then resubmit with the title (+EDITED) in the title line. You'll keep your votes and comments.

Again, you have a good story there. It just needs a fine tune.

Sorry if I offended, just trying to offer advice.

 

[redice]

excellent advice

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice. Your honesty is appreciated and well received.

I will immediately begin my search for editing help for my story. I do have many more that I have written in the last few years.

This story was meant to get my feet wet, before I plunge in.

Please don’t hold back when you beat me up. A good "butt wup'in" can be very helpful when viewed objectively.

I have always had problems with my grammar. Spending half my youth in Germany learning their sentence structure. Then moving to the states at a tender age of 15 and having to learn a whole new way of structuring.

When I write my mind sees German and American structuring and I do tend to confuse myself at times.

When I write I have several works in progress at any given time.

I usually write the story in the first rough draft.

Several days later I read through my rough draft making corrections as I go.

I try to read through my work a total of three times, before subjecting my wife to the torture of reading my story to see if it flows for her.

I have learned that what makes sense in my mind, could easily confuse others.

 

[doormouse]

I knew, I just KNEW I shouldn't have posted that comment!!

I was only trying to be helpful.

Like I said, you have a great story. It just needs a little fine tuning to be 'great'.

I'm sorry if I offended you. Seriously. I see a good story line and only want to see it improve, materialize, grow...

I'll shut up now

 

[redice]

No please, I truly enjoyed your feedback.

I am sorry if I sounded crass in my response, it was not my intention to do so.

It does tell me I need to look more to the way I deliver my words.

Please feel free to critique my work to your hearts content.

 

[snooper]

Re: excellent advice

... before subjecting my wife to the torture of reading my story ...

Have her read it aloud to you while you have a copy in your hand which you can mark up. When she pauses for a moment, put a comma; when the pause is a little longer, put a full stop. When she stops for breath, start a new paragraph. When she stumbles over a sentnece, consider why it confused her, and clarify it.

Edited to add: When she screams in agony at the effort, time it is golf to play.

 

[redice]

another excellent idea, thank you so much for sharing it with me.