Feedback: Raith's Folly

[Maeten]

I was wondering if anyone could give me feedback on a story that just went up. It's my first one here, so I'm a little nervous about it. Anyways, any comments/suggestions that you could give would be great.

It's a non consent story set in a fantasy setting.

Raith's Folly : http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=418386

 

[Darkniciad]

First off, apologies for the long wait for a response. A couple of threads in this section of the forum have pretty much chased away everyone who used to visit and offer critiques.

Right off, the whip/tendril things have me a bit confused. I think you may have jumped into the action a bit quickly, not giving enough of a view of the world first.

Honestly, the perspective shift is too abrupt, and doesn't really give you a sense of how she gains control. There's no sense of him fading out. The sudden sex-reversal also doesn't have enough build up to keep you from going back to the previous paragraphs to try to see where it came from.

The sexual elements and the magical elements seem to be in competition, keeping either of them from having any solid impact.

I get the impression that you were aiming for chaos and a whirlwind, much like the magic in the story, but to me, it's a little overdone. There's not enough impression of who he is, and why he's trying to "take a witch". I don't feel like there's enough smug satisfaction coming from her at the point of the role reversal.

On the nuts and bolts side, there are a lot of commas that seem out of place to me. Some of the sentences run on a bit as well. I caught at least one typo in the last sentence of the second paragraph, and some tense issues as well ( immediately following the "the/they" typo for one )

I actually see this as having some potential as a horror story, moreso than Sci-Fi/Fantasy. I think we need to see his motivation as the start of the story. Is he seeking power to overcome a rival? Is he seeking power for power's sake? Is he seeking revenge? If he deserves getting the tables turned on him -- all the better.

To add to the shock of the role-reversal, I'd build up to the tendril things a bit. Normal struggles at first, and then have her bring her power to bear. Give us more of a sense that he thinks he's winning, then the shift should have a little more foreshadowing. Make him a bit groggy. Give us a bit of a "fade to black" before her perspective takes over the story. Then, you need to give a bit more definition to the sex-shift as well. Show a bit more of the transformation before she takes him.

Just my thoughts -- and I'm just one reader. Hope I don't come across too harsh.

 

[_Lynn_]

I was wondering if anyone could give me feedback on a story that just went up. It's my first one here, so I'm a little nervous about it. Anyways, any comments/suggestions that you could give would be great.

It's a non consent story set in a fantasy setting.

Raith's Folly : http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=418386

I will get to it later today or tomorrow sometime.


ETA:
I read it, but came away confused. After looking at Dark's comments, he said it much better than I could.

I did find the run-on sentences distracting.

You could expand this, going into the horror category, or staying in sci-fi. Either way, fleshing it out would make it much stronger. As written, it leaves too many questions unanswered, makes little sense, and just feels rushed to me.

 

[mia_erotica]

a poem

I thought your prose read like a poem. I didn't need all the extra stuff as critiqued by ML and Dark. You have a very creative and descriptive style. I just thought if you set it up like a poem it would have made more sense.

There were a lot of typos and grammatical errors.

 

[Maeten]

Sorry it took so long for me to reply, life went on without me and I had to strugle to catch back up with it. Thank you for the replies. It was my first attempt, but I'll take your comments to heart on any future stories I write.

I was interested to hear that you felt like it read as if it was a poem. Most of my other witting and reading has been in epic verse of one language or another (I dabble in a little more fun verse every now and then, with the occasional good novel). Anyways. I will try to change it next time or try my hand at witting an erotic poem which could be interesting. I can see how it would work actually.

I was a bit dissuaded from witting one up to this point, but I'll try my hand. Thank you all for the comments.