Feedback pls

[RoundingThird]

Hello,

I just posted my 1st story here and would welcome any feedback that would improve my next efforts.
If you liked it, great. If not, help me get better.

thanks


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=416095

 

[Darkniciad]

Pretty hot, and does the trick as a short sex scene. As you're obviously writing for heat, I won't go into thoughts of plot and characterization.

One thing that stuck out to me ( and I'm guilty of this too ) is overuse of the proper names. Using a few pronouns will help the flow, since there are only two people in the scene.

Beyond that, not much I can quibble with, judging it as a stroke story. If there were any errors in spelling/grammar, they didn't jump out at me. It's a pretty good first offering, in my opinion -- a nice place to build from for later tales.

 

[_Lynn_]

I'll agree with Dark on the overuse of proper names. It's redundant using them so often when there are just the two people in the story. For me, it's one of the things that has me losing interest in a piece and clicking out.

Another thing I picked up on right away is the repetition of words. Here's an example . . .

Patrick pushed up her dress and without any warning, feasted on Carol's sweet pussy. He wanted to go slowly and savor her tasty hot pussy, but when he saw Carol's blonde pussy, wet with desire, he couldn't wait.

Patrick was stunned at how wet and hot her pussy was. He savored her pussy juice like it was a vintage wine. He essence was better than he even imagined. Carol encouraged him by pulling his head in deeper. Patrick licked and sucked on Carol's sweet pussy until she was dripping with passion.

I noted the same duplication of sucking and licking. I'd suggest looking in the Thesaurus for alternates to replace some of them. For me, it becomes boring to read the same words so many times.

Watch for the flow of details. He dropped the luggage to hug her, they walked to the car holding hands, and he put the luggage down inside her place. Nowhere did he pick it back up or stow it in the trunk, yet it appeared there for him to put in the house.

A good first attempt, despite how my comments might sound.

 

[Submissioness]

I suggest that you study other pieces on this sight for some inspiration for your newly developing vocabulary. Also, thesaurus.com is amazing!! It helps me so much with my writing. Also!! Take a few days after your story is complete. Read it once more with a critical eye and feel that it flows. A good rule of thumb for using proper names is: in a paragraph, the first mention of the person should be proper, but for the remainder of that paragraph, a pronoun will do.

 

[RoundingThird]

Thanks

I appreciate the feedback. I will try and improve upon my work.

 

[twiggystig]

It's a pretty good story but yeah, you do repeat words way too often.

As her orgasm subsided, Carol leaned back and sighed deeply. Patrick rolled her over onto her side. As they rested, Carol leaned in and kissed Patrick. Patrick shared Carol's essence with her as they kissed. Patrick looked into Carol's eyes and said, "I am right where I want to be."

The only other problem I see-- from what we're led to believe, he's eating her out while she's either standing or straddling his face. If someone's standing, you can't just roll them over on their side-- there's a term for that. You need a transitional sentence or something in there to indicate she actually lies down at some point.

 

[michchick98]

Hello,

I just posted my 1st story here and would welcome any feedback that would improve my next efforts.
If you liked it, great. If not, help me get better.

thanks


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=416095

I agree with what everyone else has said. Since there are only the two of them in the story, it's not necessary to use their names quite so often. Other than that, not bad for a first effort. If you find yourself an editor to help you with the repetitive words, your next story will be even better.