feedback pls

[ladyadonia30]

I have been posting my stuff on my live journal and am wanting some feed back. Some of the stories are quite raw, but I am open to critics.

http://chubbygrl30.livejournal.com/

 

[rl_dylan]

I have been posting my stuff on my live journal and am wanting some feed back. Some of the stories are quite raw, but I am open to critics.

http://chubbygrl30.livejournal.com/

Just went to your journal and find the stories great. Maybe raw, but erotic as hell also . . . . . . need any additional members to your true or fantasies?

 

[SweetErika]

The stories have some solid ideas, but desperately need proper spacing/line breaks and editing. At this point, they're very difficult to read with no space between paragraphs, including dialogue, and the technical errors detract from the overall stories.

For example, I was confused by:

“What a perfect day for a picnic,” Annette said to her husband as she laid out the blanket. The breeze was gentle and temperate and beneath the willow tree, the climate was perfect. She positioned herself on the blanket and began to unload the basket of goodies she brought. Her husband was getting another basket from the car.

“Come sit,” she said. The branches of the sad willow cascaded down, nearly touching the ground. They were such beautiful trees, weeping in sadness unknown to mortal thoughts. “This spot couldn’t be more perfect,” she chided. “How did you ever find it?”
“I don’t know,” Lee exclaimed. “I just have a way of knowing places like this,” he grinned and lowered himself to the ground. His joints seemed more stiff than Annette’s, he ignored the fact age has stiffened his limbs.

Are you sure "chided" and "exclaimed" convey what you want them to? When I hear chided, I think of scolded -- why would she scold/be angry with him over a spot she just recognized as beautiful?

Similarly, Lee doesn't say, "I don't know!" That is, he doesn't exclaim it, he's simply replying to her question, so "exclaimed" doesn't make sense to me as a reader.

The moral? Be very careful with word choice because the wrong ones can disqualify the writing in the mind of the reader. If they're relatively new words to you, or you're just not positive on the meanings, take a moment to check them out in the dictionary, thesaurus, and find examples of how they're used properly in context. I just got a program called WordWeb (it's free), which makes checking words incredibly easy -- you just highlight, and click on the icon in the system tray!

I think there's also a lot of room for developing the plots and creativity. Add details, other characters and events that bring unique perspectives and unexpected twists to distinguish your work from all of the other similar stories out there.

I'm not saying they're bad, just agreeing with your 'raw' comment, and trying to give you some ideas on how you might rectify that. Using an editor is always a good idea, too, because it's impossible to look at our work objectively and catch everything. A fresh perspective, sharp eye and honest feedback is invaluable.

Good luck with your writing!

 

[CopyCarver]

Yep, what Erika said.

Formatting and a good line edit would pay huge benefits.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

The lines screamed "paragraph breaks!"

 

[ladyadonia30]

thanks

Thank you guys for your feedback. I am in the process of revamping the posts, including the space issue. They are spaced in their origional format but copy and paste corrupts it..so I'm putting spacing in as well as changing some words!
Thanks for such constructive criticism. I appreciate it!