Feedback Please??

[H'venlee]

I have submitted my first story to Lit & I would love to hear what other writers have to say about it. Any feedback would be appreciated!


Thank you!

"Our Night"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48798

 

[ladyphoenix]

Wow.

I'm not sure what else to say. There were a few miniscule mechanics issues, but honesty, they got lost in the effect of the whole story. After the first paragraph I forgot I was critiquing, which is what the best stories seem to do.

A 5!!!

 

[rashid]

It's all so subjective

It's a great discripive narrative, almost like a script for a short documentary, but as I was reading it I kept thinking 'yeah that's nice but how does it FEEL?' I clearly understand how you want to be made love to and that makes it very good information.

I'll try and give you an example of what I mean.

So much anticipation, so many months of talking, writing, dreaming of how you might taste, how the curve of your hip would fill the gown I'd taken so much care to find for this special night or how your eyes would soften and smile at the roses filling the rooms soft light with a heady perfume.

Seldom does reality meet anticipation and survive the collision with such grace. The loveliness of you standing there in the doorway took my breath away and I felt the room itself expand with your presence. God, how I'd planned for and waited for this night. Would I meet your expectations? would you still find me funny and sweet and good and true and handsome and loveable? I was desperate to taste you, hold you in my arms and inhale the perfume in your hair and so afraid to move too fast and spoil the perfection I'd worked so hard to create.

I'm not much on mechanics - to me the objective is to create a place in the readers mind that feels like home. Only my opinion and as you well know opinions are like assholes - everybody gots one ;-) Keep writing - you know what you want to say - now make me feel it.

kisses an licks
T.

 

[H'venlee]

Rashid--

Thank you for your comments.

I understand and will try to find that which you are looking for in my stories.

Thank you again.

 

[80niner]

Hey. . .
I know I shouldn't take liberties like this but I can't mark up a manuscript on screen. So I downloaded and line edited your story. I cut over 600 words. My advise would be to print it out and look at all the words I eliminated. You use a lot of passive voice.

Hope I helped

80niner

2800 words
2177 words

Our Night
by H'venlee ©

Standing at your bedroom door, I watch you light the last of the many candles. The room is aglow with soft shimmering light. The bed has fresh hunter green sheets and rose petals are thrown across it making an invitingly soft haven for us. Vases of roses stand on the bedside tables. A bucket holding a bottle of champagne and two crystal glasses awaits. A covered plate sits beside the bucket. I am amazed by your thoughtfulness, and a smile plays on my lips.

Still, I am nervous. I know you. We have played this scene a hundred times over. But I never touched you till today. Our minds touched, sometimes our voices entwined over the phone, but I never felt your touch until your hand took mine this evening. Your pictures could never do you justice. Your words sound much sweeter coming directly from your lips. I knew all those months of our chatting had been prepation for this night, in your arms.

You turn to me. Firelight dances in your eyes. Walking toward me, you look so handsome in your black silk robe and boxers. Stopping two steps away, your eyes survey me up and down.

"Please turn around," you ask.

Slowly I turn. The hem of my long cream colored robe and gown softly brushes my bare ankles. I remember you asking my measurements, but I never dreamed it would be to clothe me in this beautiful outfit for our first night. As I face you, a soft blush reddens my cheeks.

You step closer, not quite touching, but near enough that I feel the heat of your body. You touch my cheek. Tilting my head to brush my skin with yours, I close my eyes. Your lips touch mine, a feather of a kiss. My eyes open to meet yours. Passion burns there. I know it reflects my own.

You take me in your arms. Mine wind around you, holding you close. You press your body to mine as you claim my lips. Your tongue dances on my lips as it begs me to open to open them. Entering, your tongue softly searches out mine. The tips begin a game of hide and seek, finding then retreating.

Your hand runs up and down my side and the silky material excites my skin. Your hand moves upward to brush the side of my breast, caressing it, inching toward up my neck. You move to my hair, removing the pins and my curls tumble around my shoulders in a golden waterfall. Your fingers dive deeply into my hair, pressing me into your kiss.

You step back. I look deeply into your eyes and see the passion raging, the wanting and the needing.

"Come with me?" Holding out a hand, you lead me to the bed. Walking behind me, your hands rest on my shoulders. You whisper in my ear. "Tonight is only the beginning, my love."

My body tingles as you draw the robe from my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. You sweep my hair aside and place a kiss behind my ear. Sighing, I close my eyes. Your lips move down my neck and across my shoulder, slowly moving the strap off and down. You trail soft kisses over my body and I tingle wherever you touch me. Your hands come to rest softly on the lace covering the tops of my breasts. You gently pull me back into you. Your chest against me and your breath warm next to my ear.

"You are so sexy. my love, and I have waited too long." Your words make my body shiver with desire. "But I will wait till I have given you the pleasures I have promised."

Your lips suckle at my neck. Your hands press my breasts, softly squeezing, and I smile. You pick me up in your arms hold me close to you. Our eyes lock. You lower me to the bed and sit beside me. Your fingertips brush my cheek and you smile.

You fill a glass and hand it to me. I sip the champagne. You lean forward to lick my lips, tasting. Taking another sip, I offer my mouth and you suck the liquid between my lips into your waiting mouth.

Leaning back, you smile. You reach to the table and uncover the plate to reveal big bright strawberries. You take one and drag it across a stiff mound of whipped cream and bring it to my lips, I bite down on the ripe fruit. Juice runs down my chin. Your tongue licks at the juice and ends in another soft kiss. You offer the strawberry again, feeding and licking me, tasting the sweet fruit and my mouth. One after another, we share. You offer me my glass, washing away the sweetness, feeling the tartness of the champagne tingle on my tongue.

Sitting there, your hand cautiously raises the hem of my gown. Smiling, I give permission. Caressing my leg, your hand pushes the hem higher. It moves gently past my knee to my thigh. Passionately we kiss. I will your hand to move higher, to feel the warmth hidden there. Your hand inches higher till your fingertips brush across the fabric covering my mound. I gasp at the fluttering touch.

Standing, you pull me with you. Your hands softly brush my shoulders and down my arms. Your fingertips caress the tops of my breast, pushing the lace away until my nipples peek out. Your head bends slightly to place a soft kiss on each mound. You push the lace further baring my breastto your gaze.

"So lovely," you whisper. The your hands cover the nipples and squeeze gently.

You push the gown past my stomach, over my hips, until it forms a pool at my feet. Stepping back, you stare at me in the candlelight. A blush comes to my cheeks. I look down, nervous and worried of your thoughts. Your fingertips touch my chin and you raise my face to look into my eyes.

"You are so beautiful."

I reach out to touch you. I feel your body heat. Your robe slides to the floor to join mine. My hand trails down your chest, touching you tentatively. I feel your heart beating, fast, hard. Stepping closer, you lay me down. Your eyes wander over my body.

Sitting beside me, you place a piece of the ice to my lips. Your fingers trail the ice down my throat, and across my breast, teasing one of the nipples to standing erect. The drips roll down the side of my breast. You swoop to suck the nipple into your mouth. I breathe a shaky sigh. You move the ice to the other nipple and give it similar attention. I squirm on the sheet. The rose petals beneath me give off their strong perfume.

You reach for another cube and trail the ice lower to melt on my skin. Your tongue follows. I shudder. Moving lower, you swirl the ice around my navel, and to the edge of my panties. A smile dances in your eyes. You rest your face on my silk covered mound. My juices are flowing. The backs of your fingers brush my mound, feeling the dampness. Looking up to me, you run the ice over the outside of my panties. I shiver. The coldness retreats from my heat. The ice melts quickly. A trickle runs between my thighs.

A finger hooked in the waistband tugs at my panties. Lifting my hips helps you. Your head swoops to place a kiss on the exposed mound.

You stand next to the bed to look at my glistening body. Your eyes reveal your lust and as they devour my body. Your boxers fall to the floor and your cock springs free. I trail a fingertip down the shaft. It leaps at the touch.

You scoop a dollop of cream and bring it to my nipples, smearing one, then the other. Offering the finger to me, I suck it, biting softly. Your lips descend to one of my waiting nipples. Your tongue slides past your lips to caress the very tip. I shudder at the touch, and you engulf the nipple, sucking it deep into your mouth. Your hand slides down to my mound to rest there. Your lips move to the other nipple, laving it with your tongue, sucking and nipping.

Your fingers move on my mound to part the lips so a lone finger can tease. My wetness coats your finger. You trail kisses down my breast, past my stomach to rest your lips over my clit. My hips raise against your lips. Your breath is hot on my skin. Your tongue licks softly at my clit. I arch my back. I moan. Your tongue flickc my clit, coaxing it out Your finger slowly invades my wetness.

Looking up, you study my reaction to what you do to my body. You make my body tremble with the wanting. My breath comes faster as your finger moves deeper into me. It curls slightly to press against that sensitive spot. I explode with a cry of passion. My muscles grip your finger. My body twitches. Your mobile tongue licks and sends shocks throughout my body.

You kiss back up my body to place your lips against mine. I taste myself on your tongue. It parts my lips and captures my tongue.

You lay next to me, press your heated body to mine. My hand moves across your body, touching all the parts I dreamed of. My fingertips move over your shoulder, down your arm, trace your long fingers. Gradually approaching your thigh, I move my fingertips till they graze your hard shaft. Your sharp intake of breath is close to my ear. My heart beats faster. My fingers continue to move up and down. Your breathing becomes a moan. My fingers around your cock stroke it slow and gentle. Your hand covers mine, stilling it.

"No," you say, your voice shaking, "Not yet. I want to be inside you. I don't know how long I can hold back."

Bringing my hand to your lips, you kiss the palm. "I want you so much," you whisper.

You roll on to your back. I straddle your hips. Your cock rests against the wetness of my pussy. I shift a little, feeling your cock nestle there, so hard. We stay that way, kissing and touching.

Your hands move down to my butt, holding it in your hands. Lifting me slightly, your cock settles at the warm entrance. You lower me again and the tip is inside.

Placing my hands on your chest, I feel your cock slide deeply into me. I moan with delight as you fill me. You cup my breasts. Your fingertips graze the nipples then pull and twist gently. Your cock glides in and out. A smile plays on your lips.

I raise my hips to let you slide out until only the tip still rests between my warm wet lips. You gaze at me with amazement as I slip back down, grinding my hips when we meet. Rubbing back and forth, your cock ignites my sensitive clit. The passion builds inside of me as your cock pistons and throbs. Your hands knead my breasts. My orgasm takes over. I move faster and I want you deeper. I cry out as wave after wave washes over me.

Sitting up, you roll me onto my back as I start to come down. You move with me, never separating from me. Settling between my thighs, you reach between us to touch my clit. You rub from side to side, bringing me to another orgasm. I cry out. You continue rubbing, never letting me rest. Tremors shake my body. I start to relax. Slowly you withdraw your cock, only to slam it back, hard and deep.

You drive your cock deep again and again. I whimper as you hold me on the brink of another orgasm, this one promising more than any before. Your eyes do not leave mine as our bodies come together. My clit takes each impact. I shiver with excitement.

"With me, my darling. Let me feel yours along with mine."

Your arms slip under my back. You lift me close as you thrust into me one more time to sending us both over the edge. You fill me, so warm as you explode into me. I press my mouth to your shoulder, muffling my cries. My body shutters, my mind reels, my soul flies with yours.

Over and over you whisper my name as you rock me, still hard and warm inside me. My body quivers in your arms. I hold tight to you. Both of us breathe heavily, our hearts pounding.

You roll onto your side, keeping me secure in your arms. Snuggling close, you run your hand up and down my back. You kiss my forehead, kiss your way down my face, to settle a gentle kiss on my lips.

 

[H'venlee]

80niner--

I will do as suggested to see. Thank you for your help!