Feedback Please

[albrooks]

I am a new author here and I would love some constructive criticism on my first story before I submit another to the site. The story is called "Lelea: The Story of an Exhibitionist." Here is the link http://www.literotica.com/s/lelea-the-story-of-an-exhibitionist. Please if anyone has time or is in the mood to read, give it a go and tell me what you think. Thanks for your help!

 

[MaxSebastian]

Firstly - you need paragraphing and dialogue.

You seem to start paragraphs only when starting new scenes. Big fat paragraphs are hard to read, and slow the pace of the story dramatically, and yours may cause readers to give up before even trying.

Especially on the web, short paragraphs are best, but you need to mix it up. Some short, some long. New paragraphs should come with a new thought, a new subject, a new action, a new piece of dialogue.

Very short paragraphs can be good to emphasize things.

Next up - your story needs dialogue, it needs interaction between characters to show us what they're like. Instead, you're just telling us what the characters (or at least the main character, as others are not sketched out very much) are like.

And dialogue also helps keep the pace of the story snappy.

Starting out with a character dreaming or fantasizing always makes me yawn a little. Give us some scenes instead, perhaps the character engaged in her ordinary life (so we see what kind of person she is) and then somehow flirting and exposing herself a little to strangers (since we're talking exhibitionism here), getting increasingly bold, dropping hints that this is an age-old fantasy as explanation as to why this is making her so hot now.

What triggers her to finally go for it on the subway?

I know it's easier to have silent characters, and it may seem to be more mysterious, but it's dull. We need a little interaction. This doesn't happen on the subway. The guy is going to be surprised, shocked before he gives in to his lust. He will want reassurance she's not insane, or tricking him.

You just need to breathe more life into it all.

On the plus side, your spelling an grammar is not bad, and your voice is readable if you help the reader a little with better paragraphing and dialogue. Once you've got those important elements going, you can look to develop other aspects of your storytelling.

I'd say, though, that you've made a promising start. Keep reading lots of other erotic stories, noticing how others do it, and you'll progress nicely, I'm sure.

Max

 

[albrooks]

I just wanted to say thanks to Max for taking the time to read the story and give me feedback. I will take everything you said into consideration, and I'm sure it will help if I decide to write something else.

 

[MaxSebastian]

You're welcome. I hope it's a case of "when" you decide to write something else, however.