Feedback, please?

[CelestialBody]

 

[daughter]

Please post the link

CB--

Please post the link.

Thanks.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

CelestialBody

Disappointment

I like this very much:
"pen slashing across the pages never again, never again"
and:
"a lifetime of dreams hung on a floral token."

Wicked Eve

 

[Fairytat]

Disappointment

As strange as it sounds, sometimes a title can make or break a poem. The title is what often draws the readers attention and makes him/her decide to read it. The first impression about the poem is made when looking at the title. When I look at this title I expect something had happened but wasn't that big of a deal in the big picture.

A long dried rose, testament to a love
that died in bloom

I like this opening. Very visual.

Through neglect and sorrow
petals lost their softness

I can understand the neglect part would cause the petals to lose their softness but I want to know more about the sorrow part.

Growing hard and cold
the heart turned brittle

I really like this! Very evocative.

Like the shards of broken glass
lying strewn about the room

I don't like this image as it doesn't fit how you've set the poem up. You are talking about a dying bloom then suddenly it's shattered. Is this rose (ie your love) shattered glass? Would glass lose its softness or "grow" brittle?

Harsh sobs racking bowed shoulders
pen slashing across the pages never again, never again

This stanza is probaby the most powerful because it tells the reader, more then the images, how desperately hurt you were by the love affair gone wrong. "Slashing" is such a strong word; brings to mind death and destruction. This right here denigrates the title because the reader understands this destroyed you in that moment of truth. This was much more then a mere "Disappointment." This is also the ending of your poem, IMHO.

Broken promises, words unspoken
a lifetime of dreams hung on a floral token.

I don't necessarily like the blatant rhyming at this point because it feels too "cutesy" and pat. On the other hand, it nicely draws the conflict to a head and allows the reader a glimpse into what has been lost.

Disappointment

A long dried rose,
testament to a love
that died in bloom.
Through neglect and sorrow,
the petals lost their softness.
Growing hard and cold,
the heart turned brittle.
Broken promises, words unspoken
a lifetime of dreams hung on a floral token.
Harsh sobs racking bowed shoulders,
pen slashing across the pages never again, never again.

Heh, what can I say, Im a sucker for punctuation in poetry. Must be the prose writer in me

 

[WickedEve]

Fairytat

I do agree that a title can make or break a poem. When I first saw the title, I thought it didn't sound very interesting. But fortunately the poem is much more interesting than mere disappointment.
Maybe "Testament to Love" would have been a better title.


Wicked Eve

 

[JUDO]

It's noticed

CB-

Check out your poem's listing in the new poems thread in this forum. It didn't get by me.


- Judo

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[Belilica]

Your poem was incredibly visually descriptive. I really enjoyed it.

-Bel