Feedback, please?

[LadynStFreknBed]

My newest story has much lower votes than I expected. The votes for this story are lower than almost all my others. I'm hoping someone can give me some constructive criticism in order to improve upon it next time. I think it is also my first entry in the Erotic Couplings category. Perhaps there is something that people look for in that category that I neglected to include.
I'm not sure what the problem is.

Love After Darkness

-Sheila

 

[Iamcanadian28]

I thought it was a pretty solid story myself. I liked all the background information and the build up. The actual sex part seemed very rushed though. Also, the characters seemed rather flat and one dimensional. I have no idea what either of them may have looked like as that was left entirely to the reader.

I think the story just needs to be a bit longer. Another few paragraphs could have made a big difference. The first part was good, but the last half of the story felt rushed. The erotic couplings category seems the most basic to please. Give them a story with a solid plot and hot sex scenes and they are good to go. I hope I was helpful.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Sheila, I really like your writing and I don't think that is the problem here.

Just my opinion, but I think you mix two styles. The first, which I really enjoyed, was the balance between depression and sex. I think you could have explored this more - but perhaps under a Romance cat.

The sex is well-written - a bit rushed - but probably after the stroke merchants have clicked back.

I found it a 'tale of two halves' but would only question what you were trying to get us to think.

This is not an Erotic Couplings piece (lots of lovely stroke) and i think you have gone for the wrong category.

 

[tickledkitty]

Ok. I started to read and actually ended up skimming most of it. It's just not very interesting. I think it's a good idea for a story, but there's way too much background information in the beginning. Kurt Vonnegut said to start as close to the end as possible. Most of your background stuff could be interwoven with the rest of the story and also explored through dialogue.

You have no hook at the beginning. The first sentence talks about Sarah cleaning her house. Is that something that makes you want to read on? What's really happening here? Jon is coming! There's your hook. You just need to word it in your own way. She's excited and wondering and anticipating. All of that should be in the first paragraph, in my opinion.

I think there should be more dialogue. I also think maybe they shouldn't have gone directly to bed. This seemed rushed to me. Of course that's where they're headed, but they haven't seen each other in a long time, and there's lots to talk about. She is unsure of his feelings, yet she leads him directly to the bedroom? That doesn't seem quite right. You even say she feels that once they talk, the awkwardness will be resolved, yet they don't talk. Not really.

She kissed her way down to his cock. She took an excited breath and began licking the head of his cock. She licked around the head and sucked him into her mouth. Jon moaned as she sucked him. He was getting hard, but she was getting just as excited. She worked her lips and tongue over his shaft until it was completely hard. She continued to suck him as she massaged his balls. She licked his cock up and down before using her tongue to massage underneath his balls. She loved to rub him there with her tongue.

You start seven out of nine sentences in this paragraph with "She". Mix it up a little. You're kind of repetitive with other words, as well. You say he was getting hard, and then the next sentence says he was completely hard. Use a thesaurus. There are other words that mean the same thing as hard but sound more interesting, i.e., rigid, stiff, etc.

I'm also not convinced that this woman is out of her depressive mode. The whole tone of the story seems depressed and slow to me.

I don't know that I'd have chosen EC for this. I think it's more of a romance.

Hope this is helpful.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Thank you all for your feedback.

Am I miss understanding the Romance category? I thought that the Romance stories were love stories without sex. Am I wrong?

I only ever wrote one story in the Romance category:
Journey of a Traveling Nurse
Which I thought was a nice story. I received some positive feedback, but again, the score is disappointing (4.19).

-Sheila

 

[tickledkitty]

Thank you all for your feedback.

Am I miss understanding the Romance category? I thought that the Romance stories were love stories without sex. Am I wrong?

I only ever wrote one story in the Romance category:
Journey of a Traveling Nurse
Which I thought was a nice story. I received some positive feedback, but again, the score is disappointing (4.19).

-Sheila

Romance readers like hot sex just as much as everybody else. I think they're generally pretty vanilla though.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Romance readers like hot sex just as much as everybody else. I think they're generally pretty vanilla though.

Gotcha! Thanks for the clarification and your feedback!

-Sheila

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thank you all for your feedback.

Am I miss understanding the Romance category? I thought that the Romance stories were love stories without sex. Am I wrong?

I only ever wrote one story in the Romance category:
Journey of a Traveling Nurse
Which I thought was a nice story. I received some positive feedback, but again, the score is disappointing (4.19).

-Sheila

The sex in romance stories varies from little to pretty hot, as TK says. Love stories without sex usually end up in Non-erotic.

Romance differs from Erotic couplings in that the former tends to follow the conflict-conclusion-resolution path whilst the latter is more stroke orientated. That is no judgement on quality - you get good and bad in both categories.

To stick my 2c in, I think your Traveling Nurse story suffers because there is little conflict, and that only with the site boss and finding the suicide. The key part - how the two progress from patient-nurse to lovers - is completely missing but is the key to keeping our interest.

You wrap things up far too quickly in one paragraph. It's a bit like a sandwich with no filling.

I agree with you, I think it is a nice story: it's just that you left a lot in your head and didn't write it down for us.

It's a bit like TK said about letting the intro go on too long.