Feedback please?

[His toy]

Hi guys,

Just posted a story today, would love some feedback, especially regarding style.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=312606

It's a BDSM story, and a bit extreme, so if it's not your cup of tea please don't trash the content and call it criticism.

Thanks, oh and I'll gladly critique a story for anyone who reads mine.

 

[Guest]

Wow - erm. Def. not my cup of tea, but I have a couple of technical comments.

You could use another eye to go-over for spelling, grammer and consistency in your pronouns. I do understand the upper/lower case dynamic of the PYL/pyl scene, but you don't have it consistent. The mistakes distract me from the story.

You've got a lot of very nice description here - you've really got character description down well - I could "see" your protaganist. What you don't have is a reason, or a plot. I would like to see more "story". The ending feels abrupt.

Just some general impressions, I hope I've helped.

I have some stories as well, but mine probably won't be your cup of tea, for the exception of perhaps Chapter 2 of the "Control" series. Still - I would be happy to hear your impressions of any of my work.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Short, more of a scene or vignette. There was no real plot, or story to what you had written. You also need to learn how to write a paragraph with dialog.

Here is one of your 'paragraphs'

Bill pulled his hand back, just the tip of his middle finger resting inside her, he kissed her flaming red ass, and asked "You're done whore? You want to stop?" She was shaking. Her body was in complete agony. Her heart was aching. Her eyes hurt from crying. But she was his puppy. "No Master, continue, please. Use this whore as much as you want. Please." She almost bit her tongue to prevent herself from finishing her plea. Laughing once again, Bill forced his hand back in, one cruel, shriek raising thrust. And then, after pulling out and ramming his hand back in once again, he came on her back. She was shocked. She hadn't even realized his cock was out. He moaned as the last spurts of cum spat out onto her ass, and he gingerly pulled his hand out of her, collapsed in his chair and pulled the glove off, dropping to the floor. "Go back to your master, sweetie."

Here is how it should look.

Bill pulled his hand back, just the tip of his middle finger resting inside her, he kissed her flaming red ass, and asked "You're done whore? You want to stop?"

She was shaking. Her body was in complete agony. Her heart was aching. Her eyes hurt from crying. But she was his puppy. "No Master, continue, please. Use this whore as much as you want. Please."

She almost bit her tongue to prevent herself from finishing her plea. Laughing once again, Bill forced his hand back in, one cruel, shriek raising thrust. And then, after pulling out and ramming his hand back in once again, he came on her back. She was shocked. She hadn't even realized his cock was out.

He moaned as the last spurts of cum spat out onto her ass, and he gingerly pulled his hand out of her, collapsed in his chair and pulled the glove off, dropping to the floor. "Go back to your master, sweetie."

Please don't read or comment on any of my work.

 

[His toy]

Thank you both for such a quick reply!

Babygrrl, yes, I see now the lacking consistency for the capitalizing, will definitely look out for that in the future.

As for story/plot, when I read erotica, I find I skip those first few paragraphs of back story, I much prefer a story to incorporate the motivations and character history within the action, but I'll try harder in future to give a bit more background.

And paragraph and dialogue is something that often gives me trouble with submissions. I'm afraid I don't buy into the literotica style of piece-meal paragraphs. For me paragraphs center around an idea, or a moment. I don't divide up my paragraphs based on use of dialogue in regular writing, and have never even seen it suggested, why is it so encouraged here? Do people find it enhances the enjoyment?

Again, thank you both for taking the time to help me improve my writing, and I'll definitely keep all your points in mind for my next attempt.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

And paragraph and dialogue is something that often gives me trouble with submissions. I'm afraid I don't buy into the literotica style of piece-meal paragraphs. For me paragraphs center around an idea, or a moment. I don't divide up my paragraphs based on use of dialogue in regular writing, and have never even seen it suggested, why is it so encouraged here? Do people find it enhances the enjoyment?

I don't think there is a Literotica Style of Piece-Meal Paragraphs.

I just looked through a half dozen books, and all of the dialog is basically how I divided yours up.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Thank you both for such a quick reply!

Babygrrl, yes, I see now the lacking consistency for the capitalizing, will definitely look out for that in the future.

As for story/plot, when I read erotica, I find I skip those first few paragraphs of back story, I much prefer a story to incorporate the motivations and character history within the action, but I'll try harder in future to give a bit more background.

And paragraph and dialogue is something that often gives me trouble with submissions. I'm afraid I don't buy into the literotica style of piece-meal paragraphs. For me paragraphs center around an idea, or a moment. I don't divide up my paragraphs based on use of dialogue in regular writing, and have never even seen it suggested, why is it so encouraged here? Do people find it enhances the enjoyment?

Again, thank you both for taking the time to help me improve my writing, and I'll definitely keep all your points in mind for my next attempt.

If what you intend is to write purely stroke stories, then you actually don't need much background. If you are trying to incorporate it within the action, just make sure it comes off clearly.

I'm confused about you comment regarding "Literotica's paragraphing style". Every novel I've read paragraphs dialog in the same standard way, and it is stipulated in every stylebook I've seen, from Strunk and White's, to college guides, to even my students' middle school grammar books

It wasn't too bad overall, although as pointed out, the inconsistent capitalization is distracting; unless it's the same throughout, it looks like lack of knowledge rather than deliberate adherence to BDSM conventions.

 

[starrkers]

My first thought as I called it up was "god, I hope all the pars aren't as long as the first".
I say this merely because a lot of readers backclick without checking too deeply if there's anything that's likely to turn them off. And overlong paragraphs are a definite backclick.
The upper case/lower case I found distracting. There didn't seem to be any logical reasoning behind it. There's also a "yes" for "eyes" in the first par.
Someone to proof for you would pick up these minor things.

Overall, I won't say I liked the story - a bit too much for my taste - but it was well written and my picks are nitty