Feedback please...

[cawastedyouth]

I started into a new genre here at Lit. I just got the edited version up today.

Vampire, lesbian, horror.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=305831

Thank you all in advanced.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You needed a good editor on this story.

Your first sentence - "I'm walking home late at night coming home from a movie alone foolishly through the city park." This is a compound sentence that has no punctuation. The wording is confused. I would suggest -

"It is late at night. I am walking home alone from a movie. My path, foolishly, takes me through the city park."

Your second sentence - "It's past midnight, and a wonderfully full moon helps the streetlights in the park."

The comma after midnight is not needed. The phrase "a wonderfully full moon" is a gulp. Wondfully is an adverb with no verb to modify. It should be "wonderful" or "bright" or something - just not an adverb.

Your third sentence - "Nervously walking, hurriedly along the concrete path in the lightly wooded park." This is a fragment. There is no noun.

Your fourth sentence - "I wish I had remembered to wear a jacket over my what now is too short white skirt and tiny green sweater that barely covers my breasts."

"...what now is too short..." It wasn't too short before? I'm confused. Did it shrink?

The entire first paragraph is in present tense. The second paragraph is in past tense. Then the third switches back to present again.

Then down a few lines you wrote - 'How did I miss her standing there?'
Why is this enclosed in apostropies? Were you supposed to be thinking to yourself? If so, you should have used quotation marks and a tag. Example -

"How did I miss her standing there?" I wondered.

Also you switched tense again, which might be alright since the rest of the piece seems to be in past tense. It would have been better to make the entire piece in past tense and avoided the switch back and forth.

I read on a lot farther and actually liked your idea, but the same grammar and punctuation errors repeat over and over. Eventually, I gave up. I think that is the reaction of many readers. You had the beginnings of a pretty good story.

For your next piece, find an editor. If you are using one, find another one. With a story line this good, it's sad the errors detracted from it. The story deserved better.

Don't give up. Lit is a learning place. We all turned out stories just like this in the beginning. Learn from it. I expect good things from you.

 

[PJeremy]

Not to be a complete dork, but I think "wonderfully full moon" is acceptable, gramatically, as wonderfully is modifying full, and adverbs are capable of modifying verbs or adjectives... now, granted, this doesn't make it any less awkward, but I don't know that there is an issue with grammar.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Not to be a complete dork, but I think "wonderfully full moon" is acceptable, gramatically, as wonderfully is modifying full, and adverbs are capable of modifying verbs or adjectives... now, granted, this doesn't make it any less awkward, but I don't know that there is an issue with grammar.

There is an issue with readability. Anytime an adverb modifies anything but a verb, the line is awkward.

This writer has 40 stories posted on Lit with 1 "H". I will tell him, and continue to tell him, why he's not getting the votes his stories deserve. There is a huge difference between "technically correct, grammatically" and acceptable to the readers. That's part of the learning thing on Lit. I have hopes for this guy.

 

[PJeremy]

LOL, I wasn't challenging your advice, in fact, I was agreeing with your advice that it was an awkward read. I was just pointing out that it is not grammatically incorrect, nothing more.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

ca,

I’m not quite sure where to start. You have the germ of a good story but don’t take the time to develop it more fully. It reads like online role-play and needs a deal of reworking to come across as a story.

I’ve had a quick peek at some of your other writing and came to the conclusion that although you can certainly write, you don’t work hard enough to bring your readers in to your fantasy. You should be able, with a bit of effort, to get much better scores.

Taking ‘Who Are You?’, the characters are shallow, hardly sketched out, and leave us not caring about their fate. The premise of having your virgin blood taken to become a vampire is treated as a kind of, “Well, yeah, since you mention, it might be fun to try.” You don’t give us any feeling of horror and impending doom.

As for grammar and editing, you really need to be more careful. Throughout, you skip between past and present tense, get us completely confused between spoken dialog and thoughts, and even leave us unsure about whose voice we are hearing – seeing – feeling. Just take your first paragraph:

I'm walking home late at night coming home from a movie alone foolishly through the city park. It's past midnight, and a wonderfully full moon helps the streetlights in the park. Nervously walking, hurriedly along the concrete path in the lightly wooded park. I wish I had remembered to wear a jacket over my what now is too short white skirt and tiny green sweater that barely covers my breasts. I'm twenty-five. I know better than to be this foolish.

Just in a quick rehash, I think I might have said something like:

Despite the full moon and the streetlights, the lightly-wooded city park feels threatening as I hurry down the concrete path well past the witching hour.

Why was I so foolish to choose walk home alone from the movie, especially just wearing a tiny white mini-skirt and a tight green crop-top that barely covers my braless breasts. Is there some threat out there my soul is searching?

Twenty-five years old, I’ve long since learnt to be more careful. So why did some internal devil make me choose this walk of danger?

Not saying my rewrite is brilliant but I reckon it might engage a few more readers to carry on. You have to set the tension level pretty early.

The same goes for the rest of your story.

Please don’t take this as a rant. If I thought you didn’t have talent and wanted to improve, I wouldn’t have bothered to reply. If you would like me to have a go at editing your story, PM me.

Complex characters are good. If you want to read something beautifully complex, tense and erotic, try the ‘Hurt’ series by Nasha. A case study in complex characters.

Hang around here more, there are some really helpful dudes that can help you improve and get more of those pink squares.

Regards

Elle

 

[elfin_odalisque]

LOL, I wasn't challenging your advice, in fact, I was agreeing with your advice that it was an awkward read. I was just pointing out that it is not grammatically incorrect, nothing more.

PJ, hi

Grammatically, I'm anally retentive. Despite Jenny's exuberance, you can't have a 'wonderfully full moon'. The adverb grates and I reckon you and JJ could shake hands on the adjectival, 'wonderful full moon'. Still doesn't work here,IMHO.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

PJ, hi

Grammatically, I'm anally retentive. Despite Jenny's exuberance, you can't have a 'wonderfully full moon'. The adverb grates and I reckon you and JJ could shake hands on the adjectival, 'wonderful full moon'. Still doesn't work here,IMHO.

You're right Elle. I think I said that. You know me, if I stumble on the read, I remark.

Grammatic Correctness and Readability are two different things. Get the read right and who cares?

I love you, yanno.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Jenny

You know the rules and then enjoy breaking them.

Any newbie writer could learn loads by checking out your oeuvre.

Hang in here girl.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Jenny

You know the rules and then enjoy breaking them.

Any newbie writer could learn loads by checking out your oeuvre.

Hang in here girl.

LMAO. You know my favorite story is Horticultural Sex. I didn't missed breaking even one rule in that one

 

[cawastedyouth]

Again, thank you all for helping me refocus...

I do recognize I need an editor. I apparently must bore editors because I'm so very predictable, nevertheless, I will endevour harder to find one.

Thank you.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Your third sentence - "Nervously walking, hurriedly along the concrete path in the lightly wooded park." This is a fragment. There is no noun.

I just wanted to say, this sentence actually has nouns, what is lacking is a subject. That said, Jenny's obviously right in pointing out the fragment. Outside of dialog, fragments don't really work.

Regarding fleshing out your characters, take the advice you were given. I not-so-recently got the same advice around here, and the difference in reader response was amazing.

As for getting an editor, I found that posting my request in the Editor's Forum worked very quickly. Of course, one of these days I'll have to actually post the work he's been editing for me Anyway, it worked much better than trying to use the VE system.

Good luck